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” O Siddhartha, truly you are a worthy seeker.
What could I say to you that would be of value, except that perhaps you seek too much, that as a result of your seeking you cannot find.”
― Hermann Hesse, Siddhartha

So, I’m at the point in my life where I sometimes feel like I have run out of dreams- at least big, hairy dreams that take a lot of commitment and aren’t just like getting married and making a baby. That one can wait, I think. And like everything else, it’s not really my control.

SO I don’t have a plan or a big overarching goal.

So I don’t see myself in five years or twenty years or even one year. All I know is, onward and upward, and I don’t want to stay here indefinitely.

But maybe faith is not scouring the internet taking personality tests and flipping coins to see which direction to go in and getting yourself so worked up trying to solve a problem that doesn’t exist.
THe problem is actually just life- the rise and fall of the tides of the river in perpetual onward motion- effortless.

I will make it to the other shore, the water will find its way back ot the ocean.

And what happens in the meantime is just fun.

something not to be quivered at, or sneered at, or to cause you to bust into tears. Not something to cause you to run forever without stopping, or latch on to the closest thing and hold on tight refusing to be dragged.

life is really just admitting I don’t know.
And when I do know, to say, yes or know as appropriate.

I’m not a woman in search of a dream, or as Eat Pray Love lady called herself, a woman in search of her word, I’m just a fellow traveler, a pilgrim on this earth.

Even if sometimes, I am feeling a desire for greater stability, even if stability is an illusion.
Maybe not stability, but commitment and connectedness, though thankfully I am developing here some real ties that will stay with me anywhere I will go.

But to let go, even of the need to have a goal, to do anything beyond this moment.
To plan, strive, connive, “achieve.”
Because yes, delayed gratification is a great thing, but only if you are fully living in the moment.

And also letting go means to admit that I don’t really want to stop being young, I want to alway sbe this full of potential, of love, so open.

“When someone seeks,” said Siddhartha, “then it easily happens that his eyes see only the thing that he seeks, and he is able to find nothing, to take in nothing because he always thinks only about the thing he is seeking, because he has one goal, because he is obsessed with his goal. Seeking means: having a goal. But finding means: being free, being open, having no goal.”
― Hermann Hesse, Siddhartha