SO the past two weeks I’ve basically been confined to my apartment due to spraining my left ankle. It’s given m a lot of time to think, to chat with random dudes on Tinder, and sometimes more than chat, and even clean my room. Thankfully, I haven’t had to do any work.
I’ve also learned a lot about how lucky I am- that my injury wasn’t wors, that my frind T was willing and able to go get me groceries and medicine since I couldn’t go down the stairs, and that there is so much wonderful stuff to do in Paris, much as it has not been accessible to me. I am also grateful for the safety of my employment, the cheapness of French medical care, the amazing kindness of strangers, especially nurses, and all that my body can do. Truly, I love my body more than ever, and that means I”m going to take good care of it. Instead of trying to emotionally eat my way out of despair, pain brought me clarity, and I was proud of the way I handle the situation. In the emergency room with no one to come pick me up, I was happy that I not only had the means to help myself financially and pay for a taxi, but also was a strong enough person to deal with the experience . And pardon my French, but it is fucking fantastic.
The other thing I’ve realized, especially needing to get shots to avoid blood clots due to my lack of mobility, is that I don’t want to waste my life. I am grateful for every step of my path, but it is time to start being simply me. Time to give up the illusions of stability, climbing the ladder, trying to fit in, clinging to being a “good girl” in any sense beyond genuine goodness, and just be myself and do what I want with my life. Because as much as its nice to have money and I definitely want to keep receiving it, most important is that I make the most of the greatest gift I’ll ever be given, life, and serve myself and others in the highest way possible by living my life with great inner joy. ANd that means being true to my values, and enjoying my life, and taking the road less travelled in my case. No more trying to fit in, be it in France, in America, or finding a stable career path and sticking to it.
My real work is elswhere.
The primary activities I want to do are teach, learn, and write. I want to write popular non fiction books that are thought provoking, essays, and have a professional blog. Providentially, I’ve ben offered the opportunity to write a regular column on my friend’s professioanl page. So happy to have her guidance and support, meeting her was a breakthrough in my life- ironically came through the MBA program which I have so often thought was a waste of time.
ANd in my current job, much as I don’t feel it is a good fit- I have the opportunity to be in Paris, to learn to work in a culture and organization unlike anything I have ever known, and to develop a genuine appreciation for distance. I have a lot of work to do when I get back!
The other thing that’s more clear to me than ever is that I can’t discount the power and beauty of my feminine side! I love the pleasures of the body, being spontaneous and flexible, creative, and nurturing. I love children! I have always undervalued myself as a woman and my power to receive, attract, and organically grow and develop. I’ve always tried to plot it out in black and white, know xactly what I wanted, and strive.
I’ve also realized that my WHY? is about pople, and larning, and growth, opening both minds and hearts. I want to be a teacher again, even if I”m not sure in what form. If nothing else my Facebook page is an educational experience! I remember being in school and loving the posters with quotes on the walls and towards the end of college, all I wanted was to be a professor but it just seemed not to fit. I still asily envision myself giving lectures on youtube, or in a lecture hall, or facilitating a seminar on the grass.
I’m sure it’s just a matter of time!
And I’m deinitely part of hte new generation and new economy. Will definitely be making positive change and money online sooner or later.
As much as there’s a lot to think about, these days I’m content to let the magic happen and go with the flow. I know that everything I need will be provided to me at exactly the right time.
Because that’s how life is, much as it might happen in the manner we least expect it. God is good.
The biggest revelation of all though is the beauty of the present moment, and the fact that the Kingdom of Heaven is within us, right now. Happiness isn’t sometimes in the future, when I have accomplished X, Y, and Z.
Also of note is that it’s ok to depend on people, and that I want to surround myself with people I can depend on. I have some wonderful friends in my life and I do hope, much as Tinder has been fun, to find a lovely significant other and let time do its work. Really enjoying my life right now in any case, and I finally realize THERE’s NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.
I’ve also decided to just see where life takes me. Maybe we’ll stay in France- I am more integrated than I realize- and there’s definitely a lot ot learn here. Not to mention, it’s beautiful, much as I love the US I might have to say France is the most beautiful country on earth. And it’s true they know a thing or two about how to live. We’ll just have to see where life takes me.
The time is now to stop making plans, be content with who you are, and just be. And simultaneously, keep moving forward, keep growing, not achieving but becoming everything you want to be.
I am a writer, I am a teacher, I am a thinker, I am a journalist, I am nurturing, kind, good, and extremely powerful in both mind and heart. I am a force for good in the world, and I live my life with great joy – always growing and changing, but constant in my awareness of the goodness of life.