I have spent most of my young life fighting for things to be other than they are. You can even say that without some sort of cause to champion or goal to fight for, I have felt as if I might not even be worth existing. I have harshly judged people who seem unhappy but don’t do anything to change their lot, and perhaps even more harshly those who are in situations or in levels of discomfort that I would find unsatisfying and overly compromising because they prefer the peace.
Recently a close friend got engaged, and I felt like she was settling both in her mate and in her job.
But then I realized, maybe some people are more easily pleased.
ANd I told her all about my plans to totally transform my life because though it wasn’t entirely insupportable, I just didn’t feel that spark waking up int he morning.
But for the moment, I am where I am.
And I”ve realized to a large extent, that spark isn’t there because it’s not inside me. I literlaly can’t relax and enjoy where I am, which I’ve worked really hard for. And o by the way, there’s a lot of bullshit along the way I am dealing with at the moment, and I’m adjusting to a new city, country, and culture, as well as transitioning to working life from being a student. Maybe I am not such a slacker- sometimes it feels like I am not stretched to the breaking point, but the days that I have been ready to take the next airplane and feel ridiculous sadness all the time seem to belie that. Luckily, I am really feeling btter adjusted, not just to where I am at the moment, but also to life.
Because Life often has other plans, and God has a great sense of humor. And a much better plan for us than any we could have dreamed ourselves.
These past few weeks, but yesterday especially, I have been completely re-enchanted with Paris. And my job, and even the whole messy business of business itself, haven’t seemed quite so bad and even like an opportunity for growth.
Sometimes growth is painful, but it doesn’t always have to be. Most of the pain we feel is in trying to flee what is necessary, and trying to ignore or shake off or in any other way invalidating our feelings. But once felt, they do rovide wnderful information!
And following one’s heart and one’s feelings are not always the same thing. The first will take you to a place of real happiness, the other to constant dissatisfaction. O rnot, who knows. But there’s a reason we have our heads too.
And maybe some small or not so small part of me was afraid to like it here, felt like maybe I was betraying something bigger than myself, my family, my friends, mycountry, and even the plan I had for my life and who I thought I was “supposed” to be with-
but I’ve found that maybe that’s not how life goes.
Making plans isn’t stupid, but trying to force life to go according to plan is soo painful, and rarely advantageous. It seems futile, the human condition, but we need to dream and follow our dreams so that the next step of the path can be shown to us. And we can still make ourselves totally empty and at one- Not my will, God, but your’s be done”
Everything just seems to be in a much better presective and I am finidng the happiess witin, which is makig everythign else seem better.
That being said, I’ve wondered if I “should” go back to the US or some other normal plcae, since it seems that happiness is within.
And then I go home, Pairs by night, and my heart aches with the beauty of it.
And the incredible friends I’ve made, and the adventures I have had in this voyage that wasn’t part of the paln I originally had for my life.
So i’m learning to appreciate things, and that getting what you want doesn’t make us happy- gratitude and appreciation do 🙂
Big secret I’m letting you in on there.
And honestly, I think I have the courage to just love this place, dive-in to it, for real this time, head first, giving up my prejudgements as I hit the water.
And o, how the water is refreshing.
The more I am here, the more I find to appreciaite. Things can be unneaessarily complicaed, but taht’s just part of the journey and I don’t think it’s a sign that I”m on the wrong path. If anything, it’s just forcing meto conquer some of my worst fears: paperwork and paperwork.
And so ipray ofr an open heart to give and receive love, but even more than that, that everyone in this world can share my good fashion, in the clime that is best for them, and will have the courage to both go forward and to stay, when the time is right.
I have no idea what life will take me, or what will come along the way witho it.
What I do now is, life usually meets you more than halfway if you put in the least effort. Afer that, Fate tends to step in and though the worki s harder, sme serious but seemingly silly questions are all good in the hood.
really tired but thanks for listneing.
Love you all (and me too- don’t forget to love yourself for me 😛
Good luck figuring out when and how to stay and go, and most importantly, where to listen (your gut, which is a mixture of the head and the heart).
Love you all Vive la France!