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I found myself, and lost my self. At least the part of me that was weighing me down.
I lost the drama of unrequited love, of regret, of living in the past.
I lost the heartbreak, the guilt of denying my deepest desires, the fear of my own satisfaction.
And most of all, I have given up on the things that aren’t meant for me, and found my path, all the while realizing that my path is wherever I am now, and God can and will and DOES meet me everywhere I go, I cannot flee or escape him, no amount of betises (stupid acts) on my part can drive him away, He’ll meet me wherever I am.

What I guess I’m trying to say is, I’m here now, and it feels soo good.

I gave up on someone who doesn’t love me. I gave up on the life I thought I was going to live. I gave up on trying to make my path straight, and the constant drama of believing I need to be anything other than where I am.
I gave up on trying to plan my future. I gave up on condemning my past. I gave up the guilt I feel for my desires and appetites, I gave up on the guilt I feel when I am satisfied.
I gave up on always constantly striving for more, more, more.

Life without this drama is very interesting. It lacks the sharp tang of bitterness and the constant flurry of motion without progress. My mind is empty a lot more of the time. I don’t feel violence towards myself- I feel whole, beautiful, complete as I am.
Life is not a self improvement game.

The ego still plays its tricks, trying to get me to identify with something but I accept the shapeless, infinite nature of reality, and the fact that everything changes and dissolves to be reborn in its way. I also feel a deep connection with myself, especially my body, so I am aware of myself not as a collection of choices or identities, but an awareness that is quite literally bigger than my body and yet so accepting and infinitely tender with the incredible gift that I have in a body, in the role I am playing in this life. And it feels less and less like searching for the perfect dress, or taking a personality quiz to figure out my type, or deciding what mask to where to the ball. In a sense, I’ve accepted the mask I’m wearing now and it has become a part of me, and in the acceptance of it, it has dissolved, making m part of something larger, yet completely myself, at home in my skin in a way I’ve never been before.

I’ve been able to accept my depression, my weight gain, my running after someone who didn’t love me the way I wanted, and all of my young and wild and unwise bullshit, all the mistakes I’ve made, as part of the path. Doing all of those things didn’t mean I was off track- they were just part of the course.

And the end is the beginning, the end of one story the commencement of another, coming into port just a sign you’re about to set sail. And yet, there is no path, that is a trick of the mind, there only ever was and is and will be, NOW. And both are true.

Just letting go of the idea that my life has to be a certain way, that I am responsible, that it is all about teh climb, is the biggest stress relief I have ever tasted. I feel it in my bones. And for the second time in my adult life, I can say I am truly happy exactly where I am, and I won’t move unless I need to, in which case I will just trust God.

So a lot of my inner conflicts are gone. I would like to fall in love, and have a baby, but I trust God that it will happen at the right time. I am not really worried about finding a partner, I know he’ll find me when the time is right. And it doesn’t have to be the person I thought I always wanted either. Who knows, maybe it will be, but it doesn’t ahve to be him or anyone just like him either.

I feel so free. I realized that I can and will be happy in my life, and that only helps other people do what they truly desire and be happy as well. I am a joy to myself and others.

I am finally happy with my body. I want to get healthier, and thinner, and I can just feel the layers of emotional weight and undigested negative emotions release as I am just accepting of life. I don’t need to fight with life or myself anymore.

And maybe it wasn’t the dream I thought I always wanted, but being here, with all the ups and downs, is wonderful for me. IT is just one of thousands of paths I could have taken and lives I could have lived, but it is MY path, and I love it as such. And I really, relaly, like my life.

I’ve also found that as soon as the secret shame is spoken, or the not actually harmful but unconventional desire one harbored but abhorred is explored, it loses its power and charge. SOme things are only atractiv because we feel like we can’t, or shouldn’t, and the real problem is the obsession, the hiding and shame, much more so than the thing itself.

And perfection isn’t something to be searched for, or defined. Your life doesn’t need to be perfect, what’s most important is that you find it satisfying. Even if you are trying to change it, be happy in the process! It’s free and it’s good for you- suffering is not automatically good for the soul. Growth doesn’t always have to be painful. Letting go of old pain is a real sign of growth!

And to release the psychodrama, the constant flow of not good enough, not going in the right direction, must work harder, must plan, what’s wrong with me, why doesn’t he want me, wouldn’t I be lovely with a few extra pounds, I love you but…what a gift. Probably the best gift I’ve given myself, up there with Crossfit, massage, moving to France, yoga, the wall stickers in my room, and my ukelele which is a dlight yet to be discovered.

Everything’s really ok just the way it is, and yet it is getting even better.
Did I mention, my body is beautiful, just as it is? I feel beautiful in my body, I’m finally comfortable in my skin.

And no, he doesn’t love me, a least no the way I wanted him to, but I love myself and that’s the most important thing.

The pearl of great price, my birthright.
And I just feel this incredible sense of completeness, an immense peace.

There’s nothing wrong iwhth my contradictions, there is nothing more than my flawed hummanity, I too posess basic goodness and am as worthy of my love and compassion as any other pbeing.

And life is just so, so good.

And I’m curious to see what happens next 😉

Antonio Machado: Traveller, There Is No Path

Everything passes on and everything remains,
But our lot is to pass on,
To go on making paths,
Paths across the sea.

I never sought glory,
Nor to leave my song
In the memory of man;
I love those subtle worlds,
Weightless and graceful,
As bubbles of soap.

I like to watch as they paint themselves
In sunlight and scarlet, floating
Beneath the blue sky, trembling
Suddenly then popping…

I never sought glory.

Traveller, your footprints
Are the path and nothing more;
Traveller, there is no path,
The path is made by walking.

By walking the path is made
And when you look back
You’ll see a road
Never to be trodden again.

Traveller, there is no path,
Only trails across the sea…

Some time past in that place
Where today the forests are dressed in barbs
A poet was heard to cry
“Traveller, there is no path,
The path is made by walking…”

Beat by beat, verse by verse…

The poet died far from home.
He lies beneath the dust of a neighbouring land.
As he walked away he was seen to weep.
“Traveller, there is no path,
The path is made by walking…”

Beat by beat, verse by verse…

When the goldfinch cannot sing,
When the poet is a pilgrim,
When prayer will do us no good.
“Traveller, there is no path,
The path is made by walking…”

Beat by beat, verse by verse.

Ithaka by Constantine P Cavafy
As you set out for Ithaka
hope the voyage is a long one,
full of adventure, full of discovery.
Laistrygonians and Cyclops,
angry Poseidon—don’t be afraid of them:
you’ll never find things like that on your way
as long as you keep your thoughts raised high,
as long as a rare excitement
stirs your spirit and your body.
Laistrygonians and Cyclops,
wild Poseidon—you won’t encounter them
unless you bring them along inside your soul,
unless your soul sets them up in front of you.

Hope the voyage is a long one.
May there be many a summer morning when,
with what pleasure, what joy,
you come into harbors seen for the first time;
may you stop at Phoenician trading stations
to buy fine things,
mother of pearl and coral, amber and ebony,
sensual perfume of every kind—
as many sensual perfumes as you can;
and may you visit many Egyptian cities
to gather stores of knowledge from their scholars.

Keep Ithaka always in your mind.
Arriving there is what you are destined for.
But do not hurry the journey at all.
Better if it lasts for years,
so you are old by the time you reach the island,
wealthy with all you have gained on the way,
not expecting Ithaka to make you rich.

Ithaka gave you the marvelous journey.
Without her you would not have set out.
She has nothing left to give you now.

And if you find her poor, Ithaka won’t have fooled you.
Wise as you will have become, so full of experience,
you will have understood by then what these Ithakas mean.

I wish you joy.

Namaste,
MJ

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