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This year has been insane. I can’t believe it’s just about a year ago today I finished my MBA program. And somehow, with the grace of God, I am back in Paris, where my heart is.
I have made a lot of mistakes this year. I have felt like shit for a good portion of it, and now that I am finally starting to feel normal again, I realize just how bad I actually was feeling.
I realize now just how much I looked outside myself for happiness and validation, and just how empty many of those pursuits were. I find that some of the best things in life are free and you can be happy if you choose to wherever you are, yet it’s true that money does lubricate the search for happiness in some ways and there are some things that actually do make you happy when they are aligned with your deeper longings. Like me living in France for instead. This was my dream, and while there have been moments that it felt like a nightmare, I’m incredibly grateful that I’ve had the opportunity to live my dream and at least see what it’s really like. At the same time, I can see in retrospect that part of my suffering in the initial transition was almost like fear of being happy, fear of being satisfied and ending the seeking, fear of loving something transitory.
I don’t know if I will stay here or not. I hope to, God willing. Even though sometimes I feel I should be out doing more to take advantage of it and hitting museums and cultural events and going out every night, I think it says a lot about a place when you are just happy to hang out in your tiny room and you just feel generally good about your lifestyle.
The most significant thing about this year is that I finally changed directions. I was gaining weight, racking up credit card debt, and it just seemed like nothing could make me happy. By becoming more grateful, and not being so hard on myself, and learning to really just accept and love myself for ALL of who I am, the good and the “bad,” and not fighting against who I am at this moment and where I am in my life, I have finally been able to be happy and see the constant, underlying, basic goodness of the situation, regardless of whether it is “perfect” or not by my standards. That in itself is a leap of faith.
I finally feel pretty good again, and it’s a huge accomplishment.
Waking up to the realities of my life, good and bad, has been part of this- but I think it has been finding my center that enabled me to feel courageous enough to face my life instead of trying to run away from it.
I’ve also figured out a lot of things about the “problems” in my life
I haven’t found a loving boyfriend because I’ve been busy learning how to love myself and building a life I love.
I have gained a ton of weight because I was afraid of facing the ups and downs in my life and turned to food as a way to get away from my feelings and also punish myself- the more I thought I wasn’t good enough and was fat and lazy, the more fat and lazy I became!
Even though I am not perfect at all by my standards, or the world’s standards, a lot of people still really love me, and I am really lovable. Even to myself.
Doing your best is what makes many things fun.
Don’t take yourself too seriously, and goals are alright but you have to stay flexible, because goals in and of themselves don’t make you happy or even get you to where you want to go.
Finding the perfect job or career is not the key to a happy life, although it is important, it in itself isnt’ going to make you happy.
The things that make us happy are pretty much the same everywhere, but the way we find them, and where we find them can be different.
Right now I am saying Ys to Life, and that means letting go of the past…
I am saying Yes to life, and that means going wtih the flow,
I am saying Ys to life, and that means being happier here in France.