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So I’ve been using some dating sites recently. No one, especially not me, wants to say they are looking for a relationship. Personally, I am looking without looking. Because if I did take out my perfect guy checklist and evaluate each guy on those criteria, I would end up with no one and end up assuming I am swimming in the wrong pond and that I am forever cursed to be alone. A little dramatic, but that’s probably how I would feel.
And I would probably go back to thinking about the “one that got away,” who I am still friends with, who still, at times, enfolds me in his masculine presence and our easy intimacy despite being oceans apart, and I would think, I have to have him, there’s nobody else, there never could be, or rather, I need to find someone just like him and therefore need to go back to America.
But, as I’ve been telling you recently, I at the moment at least am happy where I am and am not planning to return to America in the near future, and I pray that my contract will be renewed so I can stay.
So.. paradox and contradiction and complexity. Am I doomed to be alone because I dare to be myself?
What’s more, when this old friend of mine doesnt love me for my courage and honesty and has showed me time and time again that he prefers mind games and womanly wiles? And for whatever reason, is not willig or able to give me what I need right now, so hes just not available. However, I can be seductive and act like an adult at the same time, or so I hope. I don’t want someone I can’t be myself with, mch as I admit that sometimes I have thorwn myself at someone almost in the hopes of repelling them, because I didn’t believe they could se and lve the real me and also because I wanted to test them.
Imagine my surprise when someone who is more of a casual acquaintance professed an interest in me. Someone who I have been totlally honst with, who knows exactly what I look like, who realizes my taste for adventure and has even seen a little bit of the crazy.
And he’s French.
I was shocked, and flattered, and honestly a little bit dismissive because I didn’t really believe it.
Much as I know there is nothing wrong with me, I guss I always thought I had to be perfect and have my life figured out before someone decent expressed an interest.
And then I acted awkward with him in text messages. I guess I’m only human.
But if he can’t deal with the awkwardness than I guess he can’t deal with me.
And yet…
I see a habitual pattern repeated, that of getting really excited about someone possibly before I know them well enough and then begining to have all sorts of expectations. Tons of if/then statements for how we should interact, for how i can know he likes me, for me to think I’ve got it under control, even thugh I don’t.
Nobody does.
And all my vain attempts at control actually squish the delicate flower that was forming.

And o by the way, I’m scared shitless of being in a real relationship with someone I could see any sort of future with.

Sure I can profess my hopeless and incompatible love till the cows come home, but give me an available, intelligent, non-douchey guy right there in front of me and it’s all I can do not to push him out the door as I pee my pants and basically strangle him with my eagerness simultaneously.

And there’s also a little feeling not quite of regret, but of disappointment. Realizing that maybe the guy for you is not the person you thought it was going to be, that maybe your dream come true won’t look exactly as you thought it would (not that the guy isn’t good looking, he’s just not the one or the type you’ve been breaking your heart on for years)…
ANd also just realizing that maybe it’s more important to find someone who is mature and present to you should be the first order of business, not the fact that he might be a little shorter than you and isn’t quite a beefcake and weighs less, tho he himself doesn’t seem to care, maybe you just cared because you wanted somoene who wouldn’t judge you for being who you are, for what you look like at this moment even if you feel like it’s your worst.
and to admit that maybe one reason you haven’t taken as much action as you thought you should to “look better” is because you wanted something more deep, you wanted to be accepted as you are, regardless…
The last time I got involved with somebody in Paris, I analyzed whether he would call back or not, whether h liked me. This time, I’m going to look into myself and explore my reactions with curiosity.
Like now, while I can see the dude is on Facebook and wondering why he didn’t get back to me yet…
And I’m tempted to mssage him or something and confront him or see if there is something wrong.
But when it comes down to it, noting is wrong, except maybe my expectations. And if he is jerky enough not to respond to my messages, then I don’t need that.

But yes, I do want somebody who wants me, right now, just as I am.
And I’m willing to let Love lead my life..even if means I stay here indefinitely. I want to find love where I am right now.
Even if it brings me elsewhere, because a life without love without the daring of really caring for another person would get pretty shallow and stupid after a while,
I don’t wnt to be in a relationship only because I think it would make me happy, but also because being connected intimately to another human would add serious depth to my life.
Yeah, the idea of someone who has seen my facebook, and knows what I look like and how I really am without tryig, who knows the truth about em and still loves me, or at least likes me and is willing to potentially somebday love me, that’s what I want.

But yeah, I went wrong the seoncd I thought I could control another person or tried to plan how the interaction sould go, the second I put a box around it.
I nee to take off the walls around my heart, but know who I am nad have enough respect for myself to have boundaries without having walls, to let everything happen in its proper time insted of trying to seek certainty from some future event, like being faebook official. I need to feel safe in my love for myself above all.
And I need to recognize that I am not in control, I am just a broken human wanting love like everyone, and despite my best efforts I might lose or get hurt, and even more astonishing I could even win, and my life will take its course.
I’m tempted to be single forever, until I figure everything out and know exatly what I want, but staying in my cave is not really going to help me figure it out.
And I also tend to believe love can hange and grow with you, it doesn’t have to hold you back. In fact, it could be your greatest catalyst for growth.
Things are not always as they seem…
And we become free when we let things be, we are in control when we accept ourselves as we are, we rogress when we are content where we are.

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