What a source of terror and yet joy- don’t want to sully its beautiful perfect potentiel, don’t want to say the wrong thing, don’t want to admit the dangerous but liberating truth.
I asked my boss to renew my contract in France yesterday. I am kind of in shock at myself. And I wonder if I was being disingenous with my boss when I said I couldn’t ask for better colleagues and boss and it’s true (in France, being realistic) and when all’s said and done, I have never doubted their good intentions.
And the truth is, I am trying to find a way to use what I have rather than immediately seeking new horizons. There’s a reason people seek comfort, and it’s not so much that I seek comfort as greater understanding of myself and my surroundings that might just come with time.
In any cas, let go and let God.
And the truth is, I haven’t done half the things I wanted to do here in France, and it feels like my life here is just beginning. I’m so close to getting my health card and just now got all my visa situation straightened out.
In this world, it’s so much easier to consume than it is to create.
It’s a lot easier to just keep walking away, keep closing oneself, than to join the fray again.
Last night I had a dream that I should spend more time writing, so I woke up early this morning and I’m actually doing it. It feels good.
In general, I’m just so much better than I was. I feel less of a need to escape or seek happiness in food or external circumstances. I have lost some weight as well, without counting every calorie, as I knew I would once I got more emotionally stable.
I feel super vulnerable having asked to keep my job. It seemed to me fairly logical that I’m doing a good job and work should if they have any sense want to keep me, but obviously I have a lot to learn. And if it turns out I cannot grow and be appreciated in my current job, then I will move on to a new one- whether in America or France or somewhere else I don’t know.
The one thing I have noticed is that even though I feel a lot of curiosity about some things and still feel the weight of “shoulds” upon me- like I should go to Asia because it’s a hot market, or make a million dollars, or have a more altruistic job- I feel a lot more content with my life choices in general, recognizing that nothing is perfect, and I don’t feel as much of a pressure to be all things to all people.
Also, a very real but also sort of magical thing happened to me the other day. A quality guy who had som idea of my flaws actually expressd an interest in me without trying to change anything about me. He didn’t say, “You’d be a ten if you just lost 20 pounds,” or “wow, you’re really clumsy,” or “you like XXX too much.” Nope. He seemed to be interested in me just as I am, and that has totally shattered some of my ego conceptions of the world.
And then immediatley after, I felt this huge urge to make him like me and to please him. While to a certain xtent that is a personality trait of mine, it was also a bit of a nervous and incredulous reaction, thinking I had hit not only on someone who liked me, but also someone of quality.
And that’s a human reaction.
No need to say that I need to go back into protected fortified singleness because of it.
But maybe I need to be a little mindful.
And yes, in the past couple of days my deep hunger for romantic love, and more friendship, has become not just a rumble in my tummy but a loud roar.
So I texted him a few times after, we had a little convo, he didn’t respond to my last message on Friday, I decided to give the benefit of the doubt, texted him Sunday saying I want to get to know each other better, and then just for good measure sent a facebook message last night, which apparently he hasn’t seen. Maybe he lost his phone.
Of course, maybe for whatever reason he is not available or not interested, but I’m going to continue to hope for the moment.
I know I’ll be ok either way, and it’s still ENORMOUS this thing happening to me, and I know it will happen again, whether with him or someone else.
Although at the moment, I would like to try things out with him.
I dind’t have any big revelation of this being the person I could be with forever, but maybe I should just take it one day at a time. In waiting for love that seems perfect, you can miss out on a perfect love with an imperfect person.
And I am that imperfect person, just as deserving of love.
Have a great day!