So yesterday was another difficult night though I finally allowed my feelings to come out. I am often very disappointed by France.
But it turns out, things are really not so bad.
And if I”m mad, it’s because I am deeply sad inside.
Not just indignant at injustice and delay and hassle and paperwork and things that make everyday life more complicated, but genuinely sad to see a beautiful thing that seems every day to be dying.
Maybe it’s not so dire. I could stay, but I can’t stay.
I’m a little heartbroken that things haven’t worked out exactly as I hoped.
I feel like I am aging, and my goals are changing.
I feel this desire to build a life rather than just pass through.
So basilaly I think I am going o extend my contract for another six months, and leave when the opportunity comes before then, rather than forcing it by leaving as planned just five months from now.
I just came across a quote on facebook,
“What you are looking for is what is looking.”
I feel a thousand potential lives die, and a part of my actual life ending. It feels like the end of youth, and sometimes maybe it’s what I feel like I want- since I do want to get married and advance in my career and have kids and all that- I want to build a life.
But my life is here, where my heart is beating.
I am so incredibly free, it terrifies now. I want solid ground, but all I can see is more sky. Or sea. I can’t tell which. I’m gasping for air with the realization I’ve just come awake.
All this freedom, and love in every direction. THere is no destination, only the path, and that itself is made by walking.
“Traveler there is no path, the path is made by walking.”