It’s such a powerful force, a candle burning brightly, precisely because its dangerous. Because it burns away everything that is false-like gold tested in fire-and leaves what always really mattered. Dispelling illusions and leaving you with no excuses for not seeing that what you have been chasing is right beneath your feet.
I hesitate to say, this is it.
This is not what I planned. This is not what I always wanted. I’m not sure I want to do this, forever.
-What about family, values, country? What about the one that got away, those dreams you once dreamed, the life you always wanted, the one you were supposed to lead?
It’s gone, in a flash of lightning, gone leaving only a holy smoke like incense burning. Gone like kings of the past, no longer existing except as a lost possibility, somewhere in your mind that will soon forget it, not like a tattoo or scar or even like the memory of a toothache, just like that to-do list item that you never really needed in the first place, you just put it on the list because someone and you can’t remember who said you should have it.
I am ridiculously happy, and I have rediscovered my French family in the community of people who went to my school in Paris. They are incredible, and we share so much.
I felt so incredibly lonely just last Sunday, when I left another group of school friends I’d seen at a wedding, fellow Americans, to come back to France. France felt just as foreign and forbidding as ever, and I despaired of it completely, trying to decipher which delusional impulse had brought me here and how soon I could get out. I felt completely confirmed in the theory that coming had been a giant mistake, if an educational one, and the only main benefit of being here was finding a decent job function I could see myself doing since I previously had no direction but Paris…
Life takes interesting turns- only one thing to do- be here now, and enjoy it!