, , ,

I came to Paris, hoping, believing earnestly it would make me happy, believing my life would be missing a crucial ingredient if I didn’t come back.
In all honestly, I’m not sure if the fact that I felt lacking in a greater sense of purpose or career direction or the fact that I just really like to travel was the catalyst. Or the fact that I wanted to live in the Neverland or sometimes even utopia (meaning no-place) that is France somemore before starting adult life.
Because truth be told, I’m not sure how much I buy into adult life. I don’t necessarily buy into the romantic hippie life either, at least not forever, but I don’t think I buy into having a house and car and bills and trying to keep everyday the same flatline positive. I dont necessarily want to have it jump up and down between positive and negative, never have a steady cash flow, or continue to live in a shoebox, but I do sometimes feel like the things tha I actually do like and the things that I feel like I’m supposed to like are definitely not the same.
Sometimes I feel like a fak adult, other times I feel like I’m really talented, and sometimes I try to do the math for living here and it just doesn’t seem to work out, at least not if I was a rational person. I am cerebral, but I do like to go against my brain sometimes, and my benighted amition.
I guess all that really matters is that you enjoy the path.
And the main thing you can’t put a price on is that sense of wonder.
These days, I am trying to find sometone to fall deeply in love with who will love me with all his fire and lightning and thunder in return.
ANd I am deeply, deeply afraid of this. That the person I meet won’t be the “right,” person who fits in all the categories I have thought about so deeply. That I will waste years of my prime with the wrong person and miss out on Mr Right. And most of all, that this person will change me, tie me down, or worse, never let me stop moving, a wildthing like me, instead of turning me into the subdued modern adult I always thought I was supposed to be.
Sometimes I see so clearly that life I thought I was supposed to live, and still could be within my reach, and how far I have strayed from it. I don’t think I have strayed for lack of courage or stamina or even perseverance.
I just found another goal that was more intersting than the first.
And now it’s almost like America has become my escape route, knowing that I can leave this place with its many, many problems at any time. I can always leave the flight simulator or video game or whatever. I can get off the uphill slope and live an easier, more comfortable life instead.
And as an extension of all that, it’s been hard for me to let myself be happy here. Because my life will ALWAYS be harder. Because at some deep level I don’t really understand, it IS some kind of home. Maybe not a forever home, but a place that a part (or all) of me will always want to be.
And I have the feeling that I will someday leave, and I want to get it over with and leave now. Just rip the bandaid off.
And I have the fear that I will never, ever leave, and miss out on the easier, more abundant life that was my first dream after all.
Of cours, there are other dreams than where I live that hang in the balance.
What will I do with my life? Finding love, having a family, writing a book maybe?
Maybe only getting on the hamster wheel of accomplishment when it doens’t feel like a hamster wheel? And maybe finally appreciating myself enough to not make light of everything I’ve ever done or second guess every step?
Yeah, so I kind of am living the life of my dreams. And it does at times, hit road bumps.
But that’s no reason to disown my dream or doubt myself.
So here’s to giving up the fear of hapiness, and giving in to current happiness, instead of hoping for the future.
Yes, I am happy now- doesn’t mean I don’t want to learn and grow, but yeah, I am actually happy where I’m at.