“up ahead in the distance, I heard the mission bells…
this could be heaven or this could be hell…” Hotel California, Eagles
I hear this song in the metro, a really awesome guitarist playing, and it captures my experience perfectly. I don’t know which way is up some days, and when you are really living your dream-or crazy fantasy psychosis- it can be, and often is, terrifying.
My life often feels divided along binary lines-american/french, practical/dreamer, beauty/truth.
I do live in another somewhat messianic society that is something of a polar opposite (in the Western tradition) of my own- new world/old world, latin/anglo saxon, english/french.
Sometimes I feel like I’ve fallen through the rabbit hole, or through the looking glass.
And on this side of the looking glass, in some ways I feel a lot more beautiful, and yet a lot more ugly duckling like, and that I can never fit in.
But then I felt that way on the other side too, I just had higher expectations and pressure for doing so.
But the bigger truth is not just where I live now, through a seeing act of grace.
The real thing is accepting who I am. Because all this change has stirred up a lot of stuff.
And forced me to change, a lot.
In another year I probably will be a completely different person.
it often feel slike a battle between freedom and security, and independence and isolation vs connectednss and constraint.
But thse battles are mostly not in the real world, they are mostly in my had.
And wherever you go, there you are- the battles were there before I left, I am just forced to face them more now.
And the biggest battle is over whether I should be happy, wheter I can be happy, wheter I dserve to be happy- and if this is it, this is happinss amidst the bumps in the road.
And could it be really, that in this fairytale place, I become a princess of some kind? Could it be I’m actually doing way better than I ever could have imagined?
And could it be, much more seriously, that it was never about France at all, it was about me.
And whether I had the courage, not only to do what I wanted, but to enjoy it.
And I’m like the ugly duckling hat’s turned into a swan, and I have no reflection.
But I know it’s happening little by litte- parts are changing inside me.
But then, aren’t we all? or at least it’s this part of the curve-
Aprrenatly it epends on the dojo and all.
And if I can face the music and finally see myself accurately for the wonderful person I am, the more I can face the world.
Happy, sunshine, laughter. I can do this!