First of all, I really don’t understand why you pulled the plug so abruptly on our friendship. It might not have anything to do with me, but you gave me a lame excuse for being uncommunicative last time and said a lot had happened. So I do feel like it’s personally, not to mention the fact that when I called, you seemed to just shut the phone off. I really don’t know what to say to that, besides the fact there’s probably nothing to say.
I get the feeling that you are back with your ex or something. More than likely, you just don’t want to talk to me anymore. Becaus eyou know it’s a dead end and either can’t be bothered or don’t want to lead me on anymore.
Or maybe, something horrible happened and you are shutting everybody out, and there’s nothing personal about it. Still, I know you stopped reading my chat messages which just doesn’t seem to make sense.
Maybe a relationship like ours could never be a stable friendship. I’ve cut you off a few times and you have welcomed me back with open arms, but when it comes down to it, I’ve always put in a lot more effort and probably taken things more seriously. Though I always thought I added something to your life and maybe a small part of you needed me. I felt like I was important for you.
I’m probably going to send this after all, ego be damned. Maybe it’s my self respect or self worth that’s lacking, or maybe because it really hasn’t been that hard to live without you and I’ve just turned you into a character in my psychodrama about “who is MJ” and you’re just another symbol of how I have had trouble accepting love and instead have been seeking it in all the wrong places. Or maybe what made the story so sweet from the beginning is that the words never rhymed and it was not likely to amount to anything, but as a Romantic, I wanted to believe in love that conquers all and there was a lot to conquer. Or maybe there’s nothing so beautiful as tragic, hopeless, unrequited love. I don’t even know that you can call it love because even though I feel like I really know you and feel your feelings, I really haven’t spent more than a few hours with you when it comes down to it.
I deleted almost everything that had to do with you.
Maybe this was just a literary exercise, an attempt to make art in life more than anything else.
I know if I had met lots of eligible people, if I wasn’t in France, I may well have just forgotten about you. Not exactly forgotten, but I probably would have let it go a little more gracefully.
The funny thing is living without you hasn’t bothered me all that much. I have my own stuff going on and things are going well.
SO I decided to stay in France until late September. I wanted to leave in the rush of the moment and was at the point of giving that answer, but the math just didn’t add up to leave my job in early March, nor did my desire to visit a bit more of Europe. I just wasn’t ready to leave but a lot of the time, as I’ve expressed to you at length, I feel like i can’t stay here forever. Or rather, I don’t want to.
And I do want to go back to DC. It will be a shame not to see you, but that’s the way things go sometimes.
I feel like France is the love that wasn’t meant to become marriage at times. I can see myself living here, but it’s hard to relaly see myself commiting to anything or anyone here for the long run. I could do it, but I’m not sure it’s really what I want.
When I come home next month, that should help me figure it out. I’ll be in America from 21 December to 6 January, and I do think I want to squeeze in a trip to DC.
It might feel hopelessly provincial, been there done that, and I might realize that despite the many issues I have in France, I’m better off here at least for the time being.
Or I might realize it’s the one place besides Paris I’ve ever wanted to go back to, and the place I thought correctly that I wanted to end up. Have been having a lot of DC flashbacks, thinking of Capitol Hill and M Street and all the rest. It feels like another life.
I don’t knwo where I will stay, my friend from pre-school who lives there can be a little flaky and is pretty busy, an old friend from high school debate is too flirty, and I’m not sure if I want to stay with my friend in Maryland who I traveled with for two weeks and two weeks was plenty. We shall see.
Sometimes it’s easier to spill your guts out to a brick wall, and easier to bond with a vacation fling than somebody who you know you’ll see again. But I like to think I always wanted to see you again, and we would have at least been friends under other circumstances.
Don’t know how to end this, besides to say I hope we come to the end and I will gracefully let go or it’s a real chance to start again.