I know, not a very typical tile for me. Typically I came to the keyboard with all kinds of hurt and resentment and aching that the empty page and your listening eyes provide a refuge for, the idea that I am not alone and that I matter.
I still have reasons to complain, I do live in France afer all where complaining is a national sport, and I’ve recently been incredibly hur and disappointed and angry. Basically the guy I thought could be it, not only randomly stopped responding to me, but I also realized he had reactivated his facebook for months and did not see fit to ask me to be his friend. it might sound petty but i use facebook very often to post things i think are interesting and maybe i flood the airwaves a bit but i was sad and angry to s he was consciously creating more separation and hiding something from me. Perhaps it wasn’t conscious, but it probably was. I’ve been feeling really mad and hurt about it all, but seing that he had done that just confirmed my intuition, and that of my friend, that he’s not really a straightforward guy. In the past I always gave him the benfit of the doubt when he did things I would consider almost as lies of omission. In any case, I still hope he’s well but I”m happy he’s out of my life. It definitely feels like a weight has been lifted and I”m finally free. I realize that at some level I had never fully trusted him, and now I don’t trust or respect him so I see no reason now or in the future to pursue any kind of relationship. And that’s a huge blessing. I don’t feel anymore that I have to divert my own path to find love, or that I have missed out on what ould have been the greatest thing in my life with him. I feel more an more accepting of the fact that France is not a detour, it is the path.
And it’s so light and easy to not be wishing to be somewhere I’m not, to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me, to want something that on some deeper level I know is incredibly flawed and impossible but feeling guilty at even the thought of letting him go. I loved my image of him, but that’s the greatest trap of all.
And now I’m free- and happy.
This has also helped me to realize that as long as I’m happy with where I am and what I’m doing, for the most part at least, all good things will find their way to me. But if I leave a life I really love for the promise of meeting someone or simply more money, or becaue IS feel guilty about being so far from my family, I am going to be royally screwed up. I know that I am going to eventually find peace with wherever I am and whatever mistakes I make, yet at the same time, it would be a pretty grievous sin to go against my heart. I already know how that turns out. And I know the benefits of letting go too, knowing that I will find my way back if it’s meant to be.
I also disabled my ddating sites, because I wasn’t finding what I was looking for and maybe I was looking too hard. I’m also, fially, realizing I don’t have to go out and look for love as it is surely going to find me, even if not in the way I expect. I choose trust over fear.
Do I want to stay in France for the rest of my life?
Don’t know, but I don’t think it should make a difference in how I conduct myself most of the time. Right now I don’t see any compelling reason not to stay, but that could of course change.
I often feel that things are moving alone almost without my help, or even my conscious desire. Does the path choose the walker or does the walker choose the path? These days I feel like the path chose me.
I don’t know what I am here for, or why I am here, besides a love that makes no sense I really can’t understand, and maybe the fact that the moment I let myself be happy and wise was here, and for that reason I have no desire to leave.
Does the environment dictate the person’s life and feelings or does the person make use fo their environment and change it to suit them? I don’t know.
But what I do know is that I’m happy, and I’m grateful for that.
And the fact that I will be home in one week for Christmas!
Love you all,