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Th reason I am having trouble in France right now has little to do with France.

here, I said it.

I am doing a very hard thing by living abroad, but it is not responsible for all of my problems.

I am having trouble, or feel like I am having trouble, making friends because I suffer fom a feeling of “terminal uniqueness” that no one will ever understand me, I am just so uiqque and special, and I have trouble really opening up to people.

Especially when I am not in a needy mood just trying to use them for self-validation, because I never seem to have learned how to do that for myself.

In terms of depression, sadness, etc, those are my thought patterns. yes the parisians and the French can be bleak, but the truth is tha I was coming out of a dark period when I went to France and I quickly gave in to all my habiutual negative thought patterns which I’ve been struggling with for as long as I can remember. Funny how at one point France was a huge despite because I had no expectations and impossible standards to hold myself to, whereas now that it’s become real life, and what’s more, my dream fulfilled, I feel even more pressure to excel, succeed, be happy all the time, and make sure I “win,” the competition with practicality. because I took the road nnot taken, I have to beat everyone else in order to justify my decision.

Why don’t I have a boyfriend? No, it’s not because French guys are too creepy, skinny, maigre, ad don’t appreciate my fuller figure. No, it’s not because of irreoncialble cultural differences, or even the fact that many seem gay.

The reason is that rather than let go of a relationshipthat was clearly never meant to be, see the truth about Christ, and take the chance of real rejection by engaging with a human being who was actually availale, I prefered to fantasize over someone who was in no way available and who I always, always had my doubts about. I alwaysdoubted he could be my white knight but I threw myself at him anyway, partially to confirm my feelings of lack of attractiveness, partially out of some misguided not actually feminist but parading as feminism idea that I should be able to pursue the guy and win, and partially bcause I was too chickenshit to open up to anybody else. This isn’t the fairst time I’ve made this mistake but I will do my darndest to be sure it’s the last. He wasn’t a bad guy, but he wasn’t a good guy either, regardless of what I wanted to think. Of course this relationship took a huge toll on my self esteem, as banging one’s head against the wall would tend to have a poor record of conserving brain cells. Am I soured on American men? no, but I do think they are less than I cracked them up to be and I probably would have met someone if I hadn’t been so tunnelvisioned on something I knew would never work.

Maybe I would still be single anyway because I secretly wanted to be independent and grow without someone influencing me and have toal freedom. Yeah, maybe that.

And maybe since I broke up with my hs school boyfriend and it was such a truama I never wnated to break up with anyone again, that is to say, I have only been in interested in the perfect person, and he doesn’t exist.

no, he doesn’t.

And it’s the old perfectionism again, which is making me really unsuccesffuly in many areas of my life and blinding me to the good in myself and in others. It’s all allor nothing with me, and I have prefrerred to focus on the nothing when it comes to myself and the all when it comes to everybody else, happy to self-delude o think that prince charming existed and was never too far away but would never come around and disappoint me either.

As far as France, it’s difficult to tell if this is yet another passiont hat will go thw way of the dbeate team, basket, economist, or music, when because I didn’t fully commit, and/or because I handicapped myself knowingly or psyched myself out iwth too big goals, Ifailed in my own eyes, killed whatever intrinsic joy I experienced, didn’t put any effort in at the end since I wasn’t competing anymore, and/or just walked out and found a new thing to wonder at.

France is a passion, an interest like many others. I t happens to feel like true love sometimes isnce it come into my life at a vulnerable period when I was nonetheless abe to seize upon i. We were both available at the same time. I don’t really have a wandering eye, because now I know pretty much everywhere but heaven will dispappoint, and france and i have some ties now that I am loathe to abandon.

If I stay in France I feel like I have to give up my image of myself as a harddriving, scucessful, ambitious career woman who is devoted to her family, and responsible enough to take the highest salary to pay off my debts;

If I come back home, I willhave quit France, “sold out” given it all up for an eventual boring suburban existence, given up th egrand adventure for something more practical, something seemingly worthwhile, to try and fall in love with my work and feel comfortabed by greater material things and the sense that i did the right thing and followed my familial duties, and the money, and tradition, and my conscience as the more I live in France the more I feel like we capitalistic anglo saxons know what we are doing. And yet, we are clearly missing out on somethings.

I guess this is just the age old dillemma of you can’t have it al.

I have to stop punishing mself for hat. There are probably many third options, and most of the things I want I can have in France, except my family. Though franc eie currently giving me a solid three weeks of uninterrupted vacation with my family,a d I could potentially spend up to 7 ish weeks striaght at home.

That would never appen in america.

I don’t really tink AMericans and French are so diferent, its mre a question of responding to the incentives and situations we have. somethings the french do seem like martians, ut then, americans can see quite strange too.

for better and for worse, i’ll be an idnividual wherever I go.

Once I grow up and accept some of these harsh truths, I will ahve a better life wherever I go. And then I will get attached to the place that I am. And then I will fear, because I am afraid of getting tied down and getting too invested and losing bargaining power, loverage, wiggle room.

but i do love fance though.

I definitely far from hate america as well.

The road not taken haunts me, and if I let myself continue to live like this I will never be happy, no matter what I do.

I think I had a real, intrinsic desire to go to France. i don’t think going was a mistake. And I do think that my expectations were much too high that once I crossed the borders into fairy land everything would be wonderful.

The problem is that I am a person who thrives on spontaneity and inovationa nd curiosity, but I always want to be perfect and to succeed every time.

The proble is that I always want to do well, and be excellent, but I also want to have fun and rebel a little along the way.

These are just aspects of my personalityt ta I sometimes see personafied in different places.

And when it come s down to it, it’s not where you are it’s who ayou are with that really matters, right?

And the person you are always with is you. No matter whether you are in the bosom of your large and boisterous family or out alone under the stards in the sahara dessert.

something tells me once I begin ot e a better friend to myself, everything will be possible.

and the main obstacle in my life is resistance to self care, not anything on the outside or even these epochal seeming decisions i prefer to concentrate on as a distraction from my real issues.

whih are- getting all my finances and paperwork and figuring out french taxs and health insurance, and getting into shape.

Aldo have to go out and meet people ad stuff, but those are two pretty imporant things.

and o by the way, i finally want to be healthy an dnot just thin. I know I’ve said that efore, but it’s true that i am feeling really confident and radiant in myplus size body. however I know that a lot of my habits are unhealthy and that I would probably bot look and feel better in my normal size, still curvy body. I kind of would love to do some boudoir photographyor a plus size modeling shoot. it would be cool.

so things are overall getting better. just dont’ want to ruin my holiday ruminating about stupid things and the past and what is out of my control and ignoring what is well within my control.

yup, need to work on finding that peace within more often.

paris is not the answer to lal problems, but it is magical.

andgoodness, it is GREAT tTo be home!

Merry Chrismas and happy holidays!

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