I thought I had to be perfect- to be thin, to have everything together, to have a bunch of money in the bank, to have a clear cut plan, to be in a relationship. And most of all, to be “normal.”
Boy was I wrong.
I thought it would never happen for me, at least not until my list of seemingly impossible tasks was complete.
I didn’t think I could be free and be loved.
I didn’t think I could be fat and be loved.
I didn’t think I could be satisfied without my one true love.
But so it is, maybe a lot of the things I think I need to be “happy” are illusions.
I ate a McDonald’s parfait today- I felt better before eating it. It was not that great, I would have been fine without it.
In fact, I’m finding that I”m fine without alot of things I thought I needed.
And rather than finally achieving all my goals, and having some sort of perfection attained, I’m finding that the end of the road looks more like accepting myself than it does perfecting myself.
And perhaps the most gratifying part is understanding more and more who I am, and being proud of the self I’ve created. Courageously, through striving and loving and finally taking the leap into thin air to just be, and let my angel wings carry me farther than human effort could have.
THere is nothing else I need. Everything is hear in this moment- this “imperfect,” flawless, magnificent moment.
In the bittersweet love, in the uncertain times and certainties of my wild desires, Paris was worth it- for another person and another time nad place, perhaps it would be some place else, something else.
But following my heart has always been worth it. Following my head hasn’t alwys been bad, but living there has been bad.
NO, my heart is a pretty happy place except when my head says it shouldn’t be, because it can’t understand.
Love has its reasons of which reason knows not, as the quote goes.
This is it. No place, no PERSON, I’d rather be. Finally.
When I am with You, and fully with myself- there’s no place I’d rather be.