So it’s a bit of an exaggeration, but perhaps not that much.
I’ve been able to soften into life, and let myself enjoy things.
And this has meant giving up some intellectually rigorous theories that haven’t held up to real life scrutiny in my lived experience (ahem, libertarianism) and the idea that there is something wrong with me, most principally in the fact that I love here though in many objective ways for the things most people tend to care about such as money and ease of integration, it doesn’t seem to make sense. But today, it doesn’t seem to make more sense. I have a great quality of life overall, easy access to high quality foods, and general peace of mind when it comes to medical costs.Yes it is not living in a dream, but it’s a great reality.
And I just went to myfirst French lesson and I KNOW why I want to be here, reasons that I had forgotten. Because I love France! and French literature! and speaking French! I don’t hate being American at all, but I loveleraning about France and its many beautiful traditions. It is annoying but it’s beautiful! And for me, that counts for something. ANd someday, soonish, I will be able to fully speak and think and write comme une francaise, with its touch of Latin, continental Europe, Platonistic, etc in addition to my American English, ANglo Saxon, Aristotelian, New World, North American cultre. It helps me be more of a complete human being.
I do I do I do love French. It is a passion. Ad there’s no price you can put on it. And I’ve also really truly found my treasure in more ways than one. I have no fear for my future.
No regrets in my past.
And finally, I feel really really happy an dthsi sense of belonging exactly where I am. So JOYFUL in the present.
No place I’d rather be, and I LOVE WHERE I AM!
Goodness, I am so happy!
O, and by the way
I have been seeing a guy very casually
partially because I ddin’t think there was any fear of fallin gin love because he’s so not my type
And then I realized, I am really attracted to him and enjoy his company and find it easy to deal with him
He’s leaving for Brazil soon.
But quelle bonheur to find something there that wasn’t there before? To see that my ability to feel still functions? To see that maybe the reason thingsg havne’t worked out for me is because I was fishing for the wrong ones, the ones who seemed to make sense with my past rather than ones I enjoy in the present? TO try vainly to plan for a future that doesn’t exist yet, to try to please some version of your ideal self who would do the dishes right away and take out the trash and holds the beliefs you think you should hold, instead of the person who also lives in a bit of a mess and shares the same interests, passions, taste for adventure, and openminded spirit?
So this is interesting data.
ANd this process has illuminated the past a little bit too, and helped me understand just hwo it came about that I got attached to someone for four years, because I had the sentiment of being understand.
And I’m happy to report that life is good in general, and as always, there’s nothing really to worry about.