In the past few days, but especially today, I have woken up full of energy and happy to great the day after a long stretch of feeling slow and heavy, like I was just getting through life.
The biggest irony is that my heart’s wish of living and working in France had come true, yet I still wasn’t happy.
I was weighed down by guilt and expectations, and afraid to be happy, I think. Afraid of not pleasing people, afraid of giving up all the important things in life in order to be here, afraid to get too attached or to commit myself. Afraid of success, afraid of failure, afraid of trying.
And living with my fearful mind in the driver’s seat filled me with constant tension. I lived in limbo between should I stay or should I go in almost every thing I did in life. Not only did I second guess my location, but I also was filled with what ifs about my career choice, love life, and couldn’t stop beating myself up for mistakes made along the way, thinking that was a clear sign I was going in the right direction.
And then the radical notion that real transformation requires letting go of everything in order to follow your inner voice, even if it’s completely irrational. And the fact that so many things were coming apart was actually a sign that I was doing the right thing. ANd mistakes are made because there are lessons we haven’t learned yet. In making my rebirthday cake, a bit of milk was spilled and that’s ok.
By forgiving myself, I let a lot of negative energy go.
I feel 1000% better even if not everything is fixed yet, I still believe everything will be all right, and in fact, it’s actually pretty great now. Perfect in its own way, even if I can’t see it fully now.
And I accepted myself and the person I”ve become, the desire to live this life which is so far from anything I ever consciously dreamed of.
“You must give up the life you planned in order to have the life that is waiting for you.” Joseph Campbell
It’s so true, and it was a very difficult thing to do.
But now, I’m happy.
It’s worth it!
I realized talking to someone at a party last night, who suggested I look at jobs in the place she works, which is an international organization and would have been my dream job a year or two ago, that I actually like what I”m doing. It is a career that enables me to live life as I please for the most part, and I like what I am doing in itself. What started as a means to an end has ended up being a pleasure in itself. ALthough I of course will go with the flow and see what life brings. But it’s good to feel like I did the right thing! Perhaps I would have felt exactly the same way in the opposite case, but I don’t think so because I’m glad I tried something new, if I had really been committed to the other thing I wouldn’t have switched. So vive le business!
And the other thing that’s come to my attention on Valentine’s Day is that not only has being single been awesome and there is nothing wrong with it- who better to spoil and pamper me for a day but me-but that the right person will probably meet all the criteria on the miles long checklist. A long time ago, I seemed to meet the perfect person, or rather a person who fit the checklist, but life took us down different paths. I resisted and tried to hold on, but it was painful. And the truthis that I wasn’t in love with him so much as with my fantasy of him and what I thought we could have been together. IT was very hard to let go. But the real him just doesn’t fit in my life, and I don’t even really like him anymore.
On the other hand, I have just the stirrings of a crush for a friend who I had mroe or less put in a box and forgotten about as any kind of real romantic prospect. And I find it extremel hopeful, because e is very different than what I had in mind, but someone like him would probably be a better fit. He is someone I have shared my fantasies with, and I’m realizing that it’s not really the fantasies I want as to know and love a person. If you want to be with someone because he fulfills your fantasy, he’s just an object you are using- even if it is mutual. But if you find someone you really like, no matter what the checklist says, you better throw it away and flow with life and let the perso become your fantasy instead. Get excited about seeing your boyfriend with all his quirks, not the romantic moment you’ve planned out a thousand times in your mind. I think these things have to meet in the middle somewhat, and I”m not saying not to have standards or to be clear onwhat you want. I’m just saying to let some of the non essentials go and leave room for life to surprise you. In a good way!
This same non-violence and openess is also important to keep in mind in dealing with your body. Just love what you’ve got, because it’s yours and this is your one life to live and it’s your own! That’s it! And take care of yourself. Don’t worry about outside standards or someone else’s rules. Give up your dreams of “I’ll be happy when I”m thin,” and just be happy! Maybe you’ll be thin, maybe you won’t be. But as long as you’re healthy, who cares! Be gratefulf or the beauty of the body you get to experience life in- it’s a privilege, the greatest gift you’ll ever receive!
Bottom line of this whole story: Stop trying to be someone else, even if an idealized version of yourself. Let go and let God. And just be happy! There’s no reason why not, and finding the joy within is the best Valentine’s Day gift we can ever give ourselves!
Namaste and bisous,