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There are many potential reasons why I am still single, or why someone who is married is married, and on and on. There are a lot of reasons we’ll never be able to fully identify.

But some truths have finally come to light for me, and I want to share them with you.

I did not want to fall in love. I wanted someone to carry me into the sunset, and have a guarantee that I would remain unscathed by any of the ups and downs of life, or love.

I wanted to fall in love, I didn’t want want to dribble and drop and gradually sink into love.  I wanted Cupid’s arrow to strike, to know beyond any doubt “this is the one,” from square one if possible, and be able to neatly incorporate the person into the life I planned.


I didn’t want love, I wanted romance. I wanted to go on a rollercoaster where my safety and security were all but guaranteed and every curve and hill was just part of the drama, with no real danger or illusion of choice. I just wanted to get my butt in the seat for a wild ride which would take me to exactly where I started- no major change or transformation, just a little person to take along with me like a clay doll.

Lifelike, but not alive.  Fragile but not as precious as porcelain. Something that seems like it could be replaced so you don’t have to worry about it too much, that you can tell yourself I’ll just go fishing in the pond some other day, and one day, my duck will have the right number or my fish will be the right color to get the prize I feel like that day.

And of course, though I purport to love this person, and I do take care of them and devote myself to them, they are really just using me and I”m just using them. It’s all about mutual wish fulfillment, never about compromise. And I don’t even like the person as much as the life I decided I wanted when I first met them, I just want them to help me act my dollhouse fantasy.

I want to watch the movie version of 50 shades of grey, and I want them to hit me with a whip when I say so, but never in a million years would I shed one ounce of real-life control to this person. After all, this fantasy is more about finding pleasure, avoiding pain, and defining myself by the life I want than it is about the person who is a prop in thefantasy sequence, just providing a necessary body part here and there and helping to lie to myself that I’m not really alone in the universe.

Well, that was both true and uncomfortable.

But mabe love is something different. Maybe it builds over time.  Maybe it is like a clay pot that is scupted from a rough slab of earth into something beautiful, with patience and precision, and above all, grace.

Perhaps love spills out of us, little by little, drip by drop.  Maybe it is not an explosion, or a lightning strike, or fireworks, so much as a hole, what may start as a leak, and ends up setting a whole river that was forced into a lake free.

Maybe it is not a wave crashing into shore, but an ocean; whose mysterious swirling tides and swells are all but unknowable, and no matter how many times you bathe in it on a sunny day, you never really know it; and the storms are just unavoidable, a force of nature.

Maybe it’s not about catching a falling star and putting it in your pocket to save for a rainy day; maybe it’s about slowly but surely taming a wild horse, and a wolf

Maybe it’s about the rose that we love back on our planet, that we love because we tended it, because of all we lost for it.

Maybe it’s about knowing that there is no guarantee but signing on for the ride, and promising to stay on the train, without knowing where it will take you- or what will become of you

Maybe it’s not about dreams becoming reality, or finally daring to realize a fantasy-

maybe it’s about letting go of a fantasy to see the heart of a friend in the cold light of a rainy day.

Maybe it’s not about a bolt of lightning or the quickness of an arrow, maybe it’s not about falling, but gradually learning how to fly

gradually learning to let go of the beloved and of the parts of yourself which are not loving

maybe it’s about building a garden, even though you don’t know what the seasons will bring.

And maybe it’s about protecting and tending the rose inside of ourselves, acknowledging our fragility, and waiting for the right moment to open up, to bloom.

It’s not about forcing or planning, and least of all a checklist-

it’s mostly about realizing what’s in front of you, and not taking it for granted, even if it doesn’t look quite like you expected.

Letting go is also letting in; opening the door to a new and unrealized beauty and awakening- https://knowthesphere.wordpress.com/2012/10/04/letting-go-and-letting-in/

Depression is just a different disguise of the same problem.

We chase success and expect it to make us happy

We optimize and engineer for happiness, but we lose our joy

When sadness comes, we treat it as something that is not part of the plan, and lose our joy

And sadness just kind of stays, because we are afraid to find success, happiness, and joy only to lose them again

And anger, jealousy, and fear take their place, and sadness just kind of sticks around.

We want to change the world, believing there is something fundamentally wrong with it

We want to chage ourselves, because their is something fundamentally wrong with us

We see all the bad in the world and don’t hesitate to label it, fight it, and just all around forget that there is anything else but to see it, anything else but to do something against it, anything else but to feel like giving up, anything else but to cry and shake our fists at the futility of our sad, short, utterly imperfect, completely going off our expectations, lives

We strive to define what is good and then can’t find the good anywhere- it was gone the second we started looking for it

Amidst it all, we hate ourselves most of all. FOr our powerlessness, our petty quarrels, our mortality, our limitations, everything we know that we are doing to sabotage, to fail to avoid facing the light of day with our illusions, to continue to pretend we are in control, to always feel disappointed, and most of all by yourself

And then it goes one step farther, one step deeper

But you probably will never see these roots, ever, because they are the most unforgivable and seemingly intractable sin, the largest weed that ever grew in your soul.

The idea that there is just something fundamentally wrong.

That God, the universe, the firmament of the universe, is just fucked up.

That we belong ANYWHERE and EVERYWHERE, but the here and now.

That this of all possible worlds is so far from the best of them, an dwe could have done it better.

Yes, there is a bit of pride. But seirously, how could you think otherwise, with the war, with famine, with child soldiers and sex slaves, with all that passes for love and is really just a game of control!

and then, by grace, never by your own knowing or wisdom,

someday, the soul of the world will come to you, and you will catch a breath of air

and you will go back into the darkness

and every now an d then, the clear, cold, free light of day will pass through

And someday you will realize the darkness was an illusion, and only the light exists.

You will have that moment, whether it is in your childhood bedroom or a Buddhist temple in Japan, when you glimpse the basic goodness of life.

There are problems in this world

ANd no one, no matter how hard they try or how blessed their birth, can avoid them entirely.

But life exists, and God is good.

ANd someday, perhaps a long year or even two after, you will realize that same truth about GOd applies to you, His/Her creation!

you will say, I am not what I intended to be, but I am something beautiful no less!

ANd you will look out at the world, and realize, just like I am of God, theworld is of me, and the world is in God’s hands too, and is created by God. Therefore, by improving myself I improve the world, by saving myself, a bit of the world is saved too.

ANd you will realize that the imperfection wsa mostly in your mind.

es, there is real sufering, and wrong.

Yes, you have made real mistakes.

But someday, you will find love, and see again the basic goodness.

You will have faith in God, and in yourself, and you won’t despair so much of the world.

You will join life again, and everyone around you will be so happy! THey will be happy to see you rise from the dead.

And you will have captured so much truth, so many lessons when you were down in the abyss-

The truth that stability is an illusion

The fact you have no control

The reality that we only have one precious life,

and finally, that love is all there is.

And you will resurrect the world.

Your heart will open, and you will live, and love again. Whatever may have happened in the past.

You will live, and love, again.