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before I drive myself crazy–

The truth is that, no matter how much of a scary crazy badass independent woman I might be, I want so much more than that.

The truth is that while I can at times separate my body and mind and heart, I can’t do it forever.  My heart wants to love and be loved, and my body would prefer that too.

My mind is just, well, afraid.

My mind would rather create melodramas and act the puppetmaster to another sad bad romance than actually give up one ounce of control.

My ego would rather see me jerked around by somebody than actually open up to really love them and manifest a real relationship with them, it would rather crash and burn knowing before it starts that I’ll lose than take a real risk that somebody will change my life, really break my heart, and leave me empty

not that my heart doesn’t feel too. It just doesn’t hear the excuses about waitingfor x, y, and z to line up before getting attached. And it doesnt get attached unless it wants to stay somewhere, with somebody. actually my heart mind probably tried to clue my ego in on this from time to time, but it’s not that my heart is without fear.

But at some point, I have to stop either rationalizinthe fear away, rationalizing whatever already known to be futile action.

The truth is that I”m happy where I am, and I am ready to step into the ring again.

But first atht means to step out of stupid dating, and start like, opening up my eyesto see.

ANd givingpeople a chance I wouldn’t have thought of, and loving and accepting the real me knowing that will manifest he best love of my life, and hopefully one that iwll change and grow with me.

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