So I have moved, and, been offered a full time permanent position, which would enable me to stay in France indefinitely.
I just got wifi today.
And I feel really happy, and like I belong, and at home.
There have been some tough moments lately.
Yesterday I was tempted to walk away, when faced with a small problem that was actually easily solved. And later on in the day I had an incredible evening at a book signing with the guy who wrote the book “A Year in the Merde” and many others about anglophone impressions of France.
And most of my problems, after all, while they can be aggravated by France, are mostly linked to growing up, and struggling with existential depression/being overly self critical and judgmental/general negativity.
I’ve realized most of my bad habits are actually about self hatred when it comes down to it- not feeling an inherent self worth, I feel an enormous pressure to succeed at the usually unrealistic goals I set for myself. But then when I”m feeling sad or mad especiall, or I go and compare myself to other people, or somethign happens ot pique my self hatred, or really just habitually, I will do the opposite of the thing I know is good for me, which will give me the guilt/shame high that I need to perpetuate the cycle. ANd then I will nurse those feelings in unhealthy ways, and then hate myself more.
I feel like I’ve done this from a young age. I would like to exorcise the self hatred which would also require letting go of control of my life in a big way and not being a perfectionist.
In general I’ve got pretty ogood gig and I want to just go with the flow.
Sometimes it’s the thins that you weren’t supposed to fall in love with that make you the most happy, no matter how hard you try and fight it.
And sometimes misery is just so comfortable, and self criticism is such an ingrained habit, that we waste very precious and special moments of our lives just to gratify the self hating ego.
WHich is the only real mistake you can make, becausyou are depriving yourself of experiencing life.
And that’s the only thing thatwe can’t in the end get more of.
I finally have come home- it just wasn’t on the same side of the ocean as I intended.
And that’s finally ok.