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So I just talked to my friend whose place I’m staying in now. just before he left to go to brazil indefinitely i realized i might possibly be able to develop feelings for him, so i was sad to hear he’s probably not coming back any time soon.

anway we did some talking about life

i told him i really want to find true love, and he says it doesn’t exist in a person

it exists in realizing the truth of what you are

– part of the universe, not separate, all that jazz, part of God

so yeah, he’s right of course

i think that’s reallyimportant to remember

i just came from a friend’s wedding, where finding a soulmate seemed to be pretty paramount

but yeah, finding your soul is more important, even if your ego would rather prefer you to go chasing your own tail on match.com

have also realized i would much prefer to work in an academic environment and be some kind of teacher- in a way i feel like i didn’t do a good job of answering the earlier calling but i did the best i could

and the truth is that just because you are standing in front of a classroom doesn’t really make you a teacher

you can be in a purpose driven environment with much nicer people working for a huge coproration rather than in a backbiting non profit or in academia where people are so worried about their careers they don’t have academic freedom

there is hypocrisy everywhere

but

luckily

th epurpose of my life is not my job

or my marriage

and whether i am good or not doesn’t depend on my weight or income or place of residence

i am part of the unvierse, and it’s really alll good

and there is purpose, but it is not to be found easily looking just at my individual life

and there is love, all around me, regarldess of whether it has manifested in a relationship recently, and i am love

quite literally

and maybe i can cut myself some slack for my dark night of the soul, my weight gain, my mba, my career ups ad downs, my escapades,

even the risks I took

becuase it is kind of all part of the dance

it doesn’t have to all be resolved and make sense right now inmy life

i don’t have to hae all my desires fulfilled

and even if i did i would still have more, and be unsatisfied

and that’s ok

just part of the dance

so yeah maybe my biggest problems are not tactical, they are mystical and philosophical

there are some beliefs i’ve been holding on to that i need to let go

life will make sense regardless of when i get what i want

life is good now

there’s nothing to worryabout

even with all the death and destruction and corruption

there is a grand design

and maybe that’s what we need to remember more than anything else

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