“You must give up the life you planned in order to have the life that is waiting for you.” –”Joseph Campbell
So, here I am, back in Paris after a lovely nearly three week vacation through central europe by train, and working in my permanent job, all visa issues having been cleared up, miraculously.
Vienna no longer waits for me.
Paris enfolds me, and threatens never to let go.
Would I want her to?
I don’t think so.
And that is something really scary to realize.
When the wanderer puts away her shoes and says, “This is it, this is the home I’ve been searching for.”
I am frightened about life calling me away, about the necessity of leaving for some reason or another, be it career ambition or fillial devotion.
But I really, really want to stay.
I’ve always been secretly a little scornful of the people who just decided Paris was it for them, and stayed forever.
How irrational! What could they being doing elsewhere! What a waste of potential! How silly! I have thought to myself.
A few weeks into living in Paris for the first time as a student, I remember telling my parents, “It’s just a big French city.”
The same for the all-consuming love and obsession with France.
Even as “we” complain about “them,”- those French, and the bureaucracy, and the service, and the rudeness…
But somehow I feel inexplicably at home here, and I feel like the city and the country have, by some grand design invisible to me, opened up their doors.
I’m not really sure why I am here, besides the fact that I love it.
I have asked myself the question if I love it because it was where I had my first adventure after college, and when I travel around the rest of Europe, I realize it’s not. There’s something more to it.
To my sometimes shame, I find that the model here pleases me much more, and despite all the bs I”m happy to liv ehere. Which is all one can ask for really.
I don’t really want to go back.
Simultaneously, I feel a huge impulse to set down roots, to say, “This is the spot.” I even looked into being an apartment.
And when I was trip, the best part was realizing how happy I was to go back to my regular life, which really is quite sweet.
When I think of how I came to be here, and all the many twists and turns and ups and downs along the road, it really seems like a miracle.
I don’t know why it happened, or exactly how, but I am grateful.
And I hope that I create a bigger reason to be here, that I lend some light to the earth through my time in the City of Light.
Because it really is that special, and it’s good enough for me that I have no plans to leave and the deepest joy that I can stay.
I have fought for my expectations, and for the life that I planned, and I was not really fighting destiny- she already won- but myself.
But now, I will be kinder.
Thank you God!