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Recently, I’ve decided to “attack” the “problem” of being single with something even more daring than “I love myself, and I will wait for the right person and someday my prince will come.”

It is a hopeful and hopefully true thought, but confronted with all possibilities and the fact that life is so precious and short, I think true freedom lies in realizing that it will be ok, I will survive, even if it doesn’t happen.

And perhaps the only way to truly love someone is to have let go of the idea of love, in some way.

I may not get married, stay married, and have a child. I may not find that travel partner, best friend, confidante, amazing lover, and provider in times of need. I may not find someone who really loves me that I can fully explore my sexuality with. It might not happen for me.

I may not ever be a mother. I may not ever know what it is to be pregnant with my biological child, the physical fruit of a mystical union of love.  I may not ever hold my own baby, I may not ever teach my child how to read, I may not ever answer questions about how the world works, or raise a child to be better, kinder, and freer than I ever could be.

The tears are streaming down my face as I write this, but the thought has to be contemplated.

I cannot spend my life waiting for a man to make sense of it or give it meaning. This is not something I can control. And yet, my life is full, happy, prosperous, and free. I am rich and blessed and loved in so many ways.  Truly, I want for nothing but that romantic love.  I must be grateful for what I already have, the many blessings I receive every day.  Love is strong in my life. I am not alone. I am well-cared for, and there is already great meaning in my life.

Now, I’m not saying it will never happen to me. But that I realize that there is no hocus pocus of moving to the right city, losing ten pounds, getting in touch with my feminine side, learning to cook, joining the right dating site, or hiring a matchmaker that can guarantee that I will find someone to share my life with.

I think there is a lot I can do to try to encourage it to happen, including having an open heart, open mind, and always striving to be the best version of myself that I can. But in the end, it’s not up to me.

This is something that is completely out of my control when it comes down to it.

I guess practitioners of the secret would say that you attract what you are and make miracles through your thoughts. I think there’s a lot to be said for that, but my soul says that I won’t be free until I accept the possibility there will never be great love of the kind I envision in my life.

I don’t want to “love,” from a state of dependency, and just feeling that I have to pick someone before the game of musical chairs is up and I’ll be alone forever. I recognize that that’s an illusion, and the game is never over as long as you are alive- except to have biological kids, of course.

I want to love from a place of accepting the possibility of not finding it, rather than desperately clinging to the slightest semblance of it in hopes I can force it to bloom.

I want to live from a place of calm and ease and integrity and freedom, and I can’t do that if I haven’t fully accepted the idea of life without romantic love that leads to marriage and kids.

It is something that I really want, I have not in any way ceased to want it. I dreamed of children (not my own) last night, and what it feels like to hold a toddler in your arms.

Love is always on my mind, much as I don’t have any idea where the right place to look for it is, or if it’s worth looking for at all- they say it comes when you least expect it. I want love so much it can be painful to try to balance the possibility of getting close to someone and having it not work out with the fact that you have to venture in order to gain.

I hope this post will help me declare my freedom and in so doing, accept it. Not solely as a woman or an egalitarian feminist, but as a human.

Like the philosophers of old who slept in coffins to prepare themselves for death.

I do not want to die, not for a long time. I’m not sure what’s on the other side, but I do believe in the basic goodness of the universe. And I do believe in God and identify as a believer in Christ, if not fully following the way of so-called Christians.

The sting of  the possibility of not finding love nor having a biological family is really, really strong through.

I’m not sure if other people pass through this stage before finding love, and some part of me hopes that it will indeed make the process of finding it easier, and hopefully more successful as well.

The truth is that I love the world, I love traveling, I love making art in my way, I love writing, I love communicating, I love learning. I love my family and friends. The world is so full, and sometimes it has been suggested that it is my overarching love of the world and curiosity, aka wanderlust, that blocks me from finding solid lasting love.

So I tried to change and be like the people in my life I know who have successful relationships, like my parents. No such luck.

And in the end, I crave freedom more. Not freedom from commitment, but existential freedom, that is, having accepted life, making it my canvas, instead of being its victim.

So dear Lord, I do believe You are listening, and have heard my prayer.

In the meantime, please help me to accept Your will and my place in Creation. Amen.

 

Namaste,

MJ

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