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So I recently watched episodes 1, 2, and 3 of Star Wars, where Anakin turns into Darth Vader. It is difficult not to be sympathetic, as the Jedi’s rigid, aesthetic philosophy quite literally fails him, and requires him to deny his emotions and his darker feelings. Sadly, he doesn’t find a constructive outlet or integrate the shadow side of his personality, and he becomes that which he most feared, and even acts violently toward the person he loves most and went over the Dark Side in order to find the power needed to save her from death.

It’s been interesting rewatching StarWars while also reading a book on the chakras.

It has given me a new way to think about my life. I’ve also had crazy dreams recently, basically with the theme of wanting to manifest something and not being too sure of romantic love anymore.

So, the things I feel mad about

  1. being raised to be a people pleaser
  2. feeling like i had to achieve in order to be loved and accepted
  3. being mocked and teased for being different from those around me, especially my intellectual interests
  4. feeling like the only time it was ok to be me was when i was achieving something with said smarts
  5. basing my whole identity on my intelligence, and being the best/smartest/most disciplined
  6. being taught to let my little sister have her way
  7. being shamed for having “darker” emotions that were completly ageappropriate and normal
  8. being told i was bad whenever i did something to displease someone rather than the adult making it clear that my behavior was bad
  9. not being prepared for my early puberty- my mother really failed me on this
  10. not really being understood by the people around me until i was an adult. not sure if this is anyone’s fault
  11. having my father ask “what is wrong with you?”when i struggled to do something difficult
  12. never having a healthy view of sexuality instilled in me
  13. my mother’s reaction that finding i had lost my virginity was on par with the day she lost her mother
  14. my parents treating my sisters completely differently than me
  15. my mother wanting her child to be perfect since i was the only one she had for a while- i still carry the burden of trying to be the perfect child
  16. not being taught proper boundaries- no one in my family has boundaries, they are giving to a fault and don’t know how to confront each other constructively, instead being passive agressive and sweeing conflict under the rug
  17. not being modeled responsible adult behaviors in finances particularly and just in general having the behavior modeled that taking care of oneself- in terms of health, finances, expressing feelings, etc- is selfish, much as others wanted to sacrifice for my happiness
  18. being taught that love must be self sacrificial and you have to forget your own needs for those you love, and you are completely responsible for everyone around you, even if they are all adults
  19. having the feeling that my parents cared about other people more than me, and that people who have greater needs/problems are more worthy of care than those who are less troublesome. eg i am not as important because i am not a problem
  20. being taught that open conflict must be avoided at all costs
  21. mostly, not being able to fix or save the people i love the most and having to watch them muddle on with the feeling there is little i can do to change them
  22. feeling lik ei have to justify their love and sacrifice through great achievement and unnecessary selfless giving, eg, i am not a good person because i live in paris which is not what my parents would want me to do even if they accept it and support me,and that i should make as much money as i can so i can redistribute it to my family, even though that is incompatible with my own deepest desires
  23. being taught i didn’t have a right to certain feelings that were bad or ungrateful- e.g. no one trying to understand my feelings of loneliness and isolation but condemning me for them as selfish, which is the worst thing one can be to them

I love my family a lot, and from the outside to many people, or at least my family likes to believe, they are perfect and beyond reproach and theirs is the best way to do things since they would never try any other way.

some things i learned, like going with the flow and trying to pass for “normal” rather than a self expressive weirdo gifted child, have helped me in my adult life to pass in the corporate world and elsewhere, yet i feel like i would have been happier with my hair dyed blue in high school and feeling more free to experiment earlier in my life.

i am extremely grateful for everything my family has done for me, but I wish they hadn’t done things at the expense of their own needs. I wish they had given from their abundance rather than from their scarcity. i know there’s not much in the way of controlling that and sometimes you have to sacrifice your own needs, but i feel that giving can become a form of manipulation or masochism. there are times i didn’t really need to receive whatever it was and i would have known i was loved anyway. like i told my aunt one Christmas when she said she didn’t have a lot of money, all I wanted was a pair of slipper socks, and I could even have done without that. I wish my other aunt would help out more with the household expenses shared with my parents rather than throw a lavish party for the whole neighborhood which provides a nice memory but also a lot of stress for everyone involved. i’m sure we could have done something much simpler and less expensive and also had a good time.

i wish my mother stood up for herself and wasn’t passive agressive, and i wish my dad didn’t teach me to think in moral absolutes which he doesn’t even really buy into, at least in his wise old age, but which hamstring me from what i learned with such gravity when i was a child.

mostly i just wish i always felt like i deserved love even if my halo and perfect child and achiever ness slipped.

i wish my parents would stand up to the other people in the household and find the money to come visit me in paris, and share something that I love and not only a celebration of my achievements. i wish my parents stood uup for themselves.

i wish i wasn’t micromanaged so much as a child and taught not to trust myself now, at work being micromanaged triggers so much more anger than is really necessary.

i wish i had found an identity earlier as something more than a good girl and obedient child and straight a student an over achiever. a lot of this is on me, and i have been told i am overly sensitive, but i do believe the people around me had a lot ot do with this.

 

but the truth is, i  am mostly not even mad at my family, because they couldn’t give me what they didn’t have. every complex of mine, many of which i have been huge strides on, is shared with my mother to a certain extent.  my parents have just instilled in me what they believed worked for them, along with an idea that there is one right way of living and it is theirs.

i forgive my parents especially my mother for making me feel like my curiosity, adventurous nature, and love of paris was an immature, selfish, transient thing and i should treat it as just a phase before coming back to regular life.

my mother is growing though and at heart really admires me and my lifestyle. i have done things she has never done, which is a challenge for her, but when i’ve been at the point of quitting she has always pushed me forward.

i wish mostly that my parents especailly but my whole family gave themselves no less love than they give me or each other. i pray for them to find their own self worth and not lose their boundaries.

i am thankful for my parents every day and the rest of my family as well.  i really had and still have a good family life overall. these issues are serious, and it will take more than a blog entry to resolve them, but i think i’ve already made some good progress and will make more.

my intention is to find my own way of being a good person, find separation from my family to become my own person and live my life without pushing them too far away and still showing i care, and by creating change in my family by creating change in myself, modeling boundaries, and knowing when unselfish, self sacrificial love is appropriate and when it’s not. and when i go home for christmas, i will stand up for myself, hopefully without too much agression, and hopefully i can be a support to them without reinforcing their flawed ideas.

my inner critic, which is my family’s voice distorted at times, or rather pretty much all the time. i hope that can be healed, and i pray for healting for my family too, and compassion.

 

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