It seems painfully obvious now that I’ve admitted it, but I do feel like that most useless and vain of occupations-writing- is indeed mine, and everything I have been doing is just source material for the tales I will tell. Not fictional tales. No, things that really happened to me.
Like Eat, Pray, Love and Wild. Stories that changed their authors and the world.
But most importantly, spoke truth from real, authentic, genuine voices.
I have a voice. THe more htan 10,000 words I’ve spent on this blog have helped a lot. I really miss the feature on WOrdpress that would show you a random post from your site, and it showed always how much I”ve grown yet remained the same. SOmetimes I”m astounded at the wisdom of my former self, sometimes a bit embarassed.
I think the biggest thing is realizing I owe some of the best of me to the selves I realy dislike who went through really tough transformations to make me a more beautiful person. I don’t really miss them, but I appreciate perfectionist, obsessive, nearly anorexic overachiever Megan, without her I never would have become such a hippie, and I also am growing to love depressive, impulse eating, anything-goes, no holds barred, fuck the man but become one anyway, struggling with complexity, wandering, thoughtful, philosophical nad out of place gradute school Megan. You can find her from September 2012 to September 2013. I also like my dream has come true yet I haven’t found life’s meaning Megan, who starts shortly after I arrive din France in March 2013 and stretching up pretty much to March 2015, finally really transitioning into something else around October 2015, after my big backpacking trip where I realized I was and wasn’t a backpacker, and was happy to go back to work in Paris.
And yet, this too was a phase, and the truth that I know now and have always known, and can’t ignore, is that I must write.
I must see the world and tell it through my own eyes.
What job I do for money, my interest in photography, workout crazes, intetnions for a better diet, these are all distractions. Really, they are the false self, the many false and shiny selves, glittering but not gold, never quite materialized because my voice is too strong and my soul is to big to ever really settle into any of those fake identities.
I get lost in the trap of who I want to be, caught in the looking glass, and I lose completely who I am.
ANd the voice that comes from me, from my real self and not my fake self.
My voice comes from something real deep inside of me, like the Om at the beginning of the world, it creates and reflects me.
I am uncomfortable in my chains. I cannot bury these emotions.
I was not meant to.
As the fortune teller said, I have many books in me, and I need to find true succes through being, and not doing.
As my mentor told me long ago, there are many things you can do; but what do you want to do?
As the mayor of the town in the Walking Dead explained with her dying breath,”what do you want to do? Why do you want to do it for you?”
And when you find that answer, you cannot shrink from it.
You cannot pretend it didn’t happen.
You can’t pursue it with just half your heart because you never really wanted it anyway.
Rather than living in your dream come true, you are forced to live in the ever present now: this is what I want to do. I am doing what I want to do.
I am being me.
ANd me can be soo scary. Me is so afraid she will never be loved. Me is afraid of being weak and vulnerable and flimsy and easily shattered. Me is all too real, a true, pumping heart that is not like the idealized version.
But so alive, and so real.
Me is being you cannot shield yourself from. Me is something you cannot deny when it’s difficult. Me is a clear flowing stream after the viscous milkshake of living the world’s daydream; me is casting off the chains and turning to the light, and never again to be tricked by the shadows.
Me is so beautiful it’s almost impossible to bear.
Me is something worth living for, the meaning of life, the heart’s call, the whisper within, the voice of God that dwells with us.
We need to do His work.