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I had a pretty distinct vision of success- slim, romantically involved with a great guy,  do-gooder job and/or very high income, pleasing my parents, fitting into the place where I’m at and a hometown heroine,  surrounded by close friends, no longer socially awkward, perfect in every way

At varying stages of my life, I have pursued these goals directly and indirectly. It’s fair to say that my life has mostly been geared towards self improvement and success, perfectionism and pleasing. And yeah, a lot of my suffering, while not a waste and a part of my path, does not need to continue into the future.

Not one second more.

Success is on the inside, and purpose is an unfolding, a process- not a goal, not a fixed point, no where on the outside.

Yes, there are ups and downs and I dont think my job is the ultimate meaning of my life, and I don’t see a direct saintly mission to it, but I do KNOW, deep inside, that right now, this is where I am meant to be.

I also know that I am meant to write, and to share my writing.

I feel a strong desire to be in a relationship, bu while I may have moaned over unrequited love and wondered why the guys don’t like me, the truth is that I probably have not met the right person yet. I haven’t failed to find love; love will find me, at the right moment and with the right person. The truth is, all of the guys I have met, including my ex boyfriend, didn’t ever really impress me, and I want to be impressed. Not just on a superficial checklist level, although I want the guy to have some kind of job, a reasonable level of intelligence and intellectualism, and be really cute and good in bed and ADORE me. Yes, I want to be WORSHIPPED but not overly pandered to. I want a guy who can set limits and won’t let me walk all over him, but will go TO THE MOON AND BACK for me. Without me asking for it.  The most important things about this person are that he must be kind, open, and spiritually awake. I am looking for a hero, and the truth is that I won’t stand for anything less. I won’t accept less than I deserve.

Yes, a bold statement coming from an overweight, disorganized, indebted, uncool person like me. But fuck it, I AM AWESOME. I am a success, right now. Mr Right hasn’t failed to show up because I don’t go jogging every morning, although this is something I would like to get into doing- FOR ME. Mr Right hasn’t showed up at least in part because I WAS TOO BUSY BECOMING AWESOME. AND MY AWESOMENESS CAME FIRST, before meeting a guy. And I only want a partner that will make me MORE AWESOME. That’s right, MORE FUCKING AWESOME.

And no, that’s not too much to ask.

I want to get what I give, and maybe a little more.

I want a guy who can plan a date, who follows through, who won’t make fun of me and doesn’t think I am weird.

The person I did date, in the past, was cruel, a bit delusional, and did I mention, full of shit. It seems mean to speak ill of the dead (not actual dead but dead and gone in my life) and there are times, like when I think of how he used to wrap my Christmas presents for me using minimal amounts of paper and tape and optimal wrapping techniques using his advanced spatial intelligence, that I almost kind of miss him and think he wans’t so bad.

He wasn’t so bad, but he wasn’t good enough.

He said so to me himself, at the end.

He knew I deserved better.

ANd there are many good things I learned from him- to rebel, to question my elders, to not take shit from people, to be selfish, to follow my joy and not give a shit about what other people think. To stop feeling guilty about having sex, and being different from what my parents wanted. How to be a friend.

So no, I don’t hate you V. But damn, you were a brat sometimes.

And I am done DONE dealing with brats. I don’t need an infant man, I want a man whose child would be worth my while to bring into the world. A man who deserves a permanent space in my life and is worth irrevocably tying myself down with.

No wonder I haven’t found the person yet, ain’t nothing wrong with me. I am looking for someone really SPECIAL, and it will happen.

I desire for it to happen, to meet this person that will add to my personal development instead of subtracting it, who will be down for the ride for all of life’s adventures instead of giving me the impossible choice of having a home or following my call and wanderlust where it takes me. I need a man who has wings of his own to intertwine my roots with.

But no, there is nothing wrong with me besides being a flawed human. It is not me, it is these men. I will find an awesome one, and he will find me and recognize the awesomeness in me, run after me, have the sense to lock me down and put a ring on it, and never let me go, or let me get dissatisfied.

I know there is someone that awesome in the world, right now. I know I don’t have to lose 50 lbs, or wait for some child man to grow up, or learn the rules of bitchiness and manipulation to get and keep a man.

No, I think it’s just a matter of time.

But with or without him, my life is COMPLETE. I am awesome.

 

And so, so grateful. FOr finally learning this lesson, and feeling it, and for all the adventures along the way. I am thankful fo the tears that washed my soul clean, I am happy for the scarpes on my wrists where the chains wonce bound me and which pushed me to go beyond the bounds of my comfort zone to finally claim.

I AM FREEE.

And no man is going to cange that basic freedom, so dearly earned.

And same for hat extra weight. My mind/body/willpower/discipline has completely gone on strike, because deep down, I WANT TO BE LOVED NO MATTER MY WEIGHT. I WANT TO BE ACCEPTED AS I AM. And I have finally learnd, the hard way, multiple times-

HAPPINESS MAKES SUCCESS; SUCCESS MAKES HAPPINESS.

And without happiness success is a bitter draught indeed.

Finally, I love myself. And I am so proud of what I’ve done, and I hope to be easily bproud when I don’t have as much to report. But yeah, I am maginficinet in my own way, and I can do it.

So namaste and feel the power. May the force be with you.

Live fully, don’t give a shit, and prosper whatever that means to you.

chapeau to me, I’ve got a long way to go and have come along way, but more importantly, my ever stronger self love and acceptation is the most precious gift that travels with me.

Namaste, Hallulujah, Amen

MJ

 

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