If you gaze long enough into the abyss, the abyss will stare back at you. Nietzche
So for me it’s fair to say it’s been at least years I’ve been looking into the abyss and losing my identity. In the past few months, I’ve questioned the need to have children and a partner in this life, going so far as to go on a date with a man who explicitly was reasonably sure he didn’t want (more) children and instead would prefer a life of adventure and romance with his new companion, and even wanted to go to Japan in a few months. All this was on line, and when I met him in real life the attraction didn’t hold, not to mention the fact that I love babies. But I was willing to entertain the thought.
I’ve also been writing about the single life and how great it really is, and marrying myself first. I’ve ben thinking a while about buying a house in Paris, but the truth is that I think I want ties and roots here and ties that bind but in the end I don’t really want to be bound, as I feel my central purpose in this life is to explore, travel, etc and I hate administration and maintenance- yes I know this would be a huge part of having kids as well, but I think it might be worth it since you would get more love and joy from the experience of them than from a house, at least for me.
I’ve been having dreams of pregnancy, not recently but from time to time I have a spate of them. I thought I was bringing into life a new lifestyle in Paris, and maybe buying an apartment and having my own little form of domestic bliss, but I think the babes might be a little harder to handle than that. In one of my dreams, it was explained to me that what was in my womb resembled a crawfish at that stage, and when the quote above came to mind, I pictured some kind of bison floating out of the void towards me. While I do hope human children are in my future, I think there might be something more along the lines of “giving birth to a new spirituality,” as a friend thought may be the case.
It feels like I”m surrounded by pregnant and wanting to be pregnant women and children. One of my best friends wants to start trying to conceive around the end of this year. Needless to say, we are trying to organize as many fun trips and everything as possible before that happens. My feelings of mortality and finiteness have also resumed themselves into realizing I have a limited time unencumbered by man or baby so I try to travel as much as I can, which as I may have mentioned above, feels like the meaning of life at times.
And sharing my adventures. It appears that even my family, who I know loves me unconditionally and everything, which is huge and not given to many, has come around to admiring my voyages if not completely understanding them especially when I share my experiences on social media. I think I could find a bit of purpose in being a travel writer, particularly one that doesn’t write for the already initiated well-traveled people.
The truth is that while i love and miss my family, I would not trade my life to be closer to them. I have in a very real way sacrificed a certain type of relationship with my family, holidays at home, etc to live a very different life than naything they ever dreamed of.The guilt I feel over this can be immense. I am trying to let the guilt go. I don’t thinkt hey are consciously trying to guilt me anymore.
As for domestic bliss, I was so, so happy ths past Easter, it was a real celebration of life. I went alone to Bilbao, took a surf lesson, saw te Guggenheim, and then I did go to church (in Spanish). I chatted with people from Uruguay and Ecaudor and ate a lot of pinxtos and a Basque treat and some fries. No chocolate bunny needed- or large family gathering, or gathering of intimate friends either.
As for the going to church thing, my beef is not with God, it is with the instiutional stuff and hierarchy. We are humans though, so I guess it’s quite normal for a divine message of peace and unconditional love to be corrupted. Also I think the wonder of Easter is more that Jesus died tan that He rose. Even if He knew He could rise again, to take on mortality is a pretty big deal. And if you believe He is really the son of God and God is all-powerful, the dying thing is more impressive than the rising, I think. Bu tthis could be because I am Catholic, or was born that way.
It’s been a big sort of mortality and other people growing up month or so. A friend who’s been engaged for a long time to her college sweetheart set a date and invited me to come, realizing I probably won’t be able to make it, a very close friend is thinking about having a baby soon, a childhood friend recently gave birth, I got added to the facebook group for my high school reunion, a lot of people are doing well and living in new cities and getting married and having kids and dogs, while a fair number actually died, with some being due to drugs. One of the guys who died was actually in some of my classes. Just goes to show that you have to treat people well while you can and you never know what will happen. Not to mention that the smoke detector went off like mad two nights in a row, completely freaking me out because I was afraid it was carbon monoxide, and I felt pretty alone though some neighbors came by to see if things were ok.
I was also moved by the Louise Bourgeoise exhibit at the Guggenheim. She created small rooms and various metaphors of woman= house to explore her memories and the role of women in society and the relationship with domesticity, the mother, etc. SHe also emigrated to New york. http://www.theartstory.org/artist-bourgeois-louise.htm
I would say thanks to her I feel less inclined to buy an apartment
So yeah, lots and lots of things to think about. but maybe not that many
time to listen to the inner voice and follow my intuition instead of my impulses and open up to joy instead of fear…