So these days I am kind of thinking that marriage and especially babies are just a hoax of biology to get us to reproduce rather than a real vehicle for personal fulfillment or something transcendental in most cases, and that most women just settle in order to find a guy on time whereas men hold our for their dream girl but then eventually lose interest once they’ve got her.

Or not.

I feel like it’s the weakest thing in the world to be with someone, or even just to make a friend, because you are lonely. Unless you have shared values and the person meets your standards, you are selling out and settling, which seems kind of immoral to me.

Granted, I have “settled,” in terms of my job and other things in my life and it has worked out for me, so maybe I am completely wrong.

While I agree that maybe you don’t need passionate love on crack in order to be with or marry someone and that love can grow over time if you are compatible, I am completely horrified as I watch friends partner off with people who seem to completely not match their values or interests and in general, just don’t seem good enough for them.

Then again perhaps a problem successful professional women have is that they want someone who is at their level, and manbabies don’t seem to cut it.

There are a lot of manbabies.

I’m not really sure what hearts are for anymore. Maybe real, imperfect, gritty, less than perfect love and not what I see in the movies, but maybe they ar ejust there to get you to have babie ad that’s it.

Fuck your personal happiness.

As it turns out, I am having a moment where my passion for travel and new experiences in general is on the wane for a second, much as I don’t htink I could give up these things for a relationship or even a small person at this point-addiction or calling, I’m not sure, maybe just a little self respect to want to keep other sources of pleasure and fulfillment in my life, and above all, independence-

Most of all I”m just pissed off because whenever I have the inclination to settle for just a little bit, or maybe when I find some person who might really do the trick, not sure which, I have a tendency to fuck everything up, not be patient, and make things end ealrier than they might have so I don’t waste my time or let down my standards in a partner.

Being alone sometimes seems noble, as much as it is painful. But probably the reason I am still single is because the pain of loneliness as never hurt as much as the pain of disappointed love, when you realize the object of your affection is not only a flawed human, but one who is flawed in such a way you cannot on your honor continue to be with them.

What I really want, in order to fall in love, is a guarantee that I won’t be disappointed or lose which is impossible to get unless I”m having hallucinations about the person.

Fuck you, C, or rather thank you, you killed my ideal of romantic love and I realize now in retrospect you would have been just a hick to me whose rejection of me stemmed from your own emotional issues and not from some higher standard had things worked out. I knew from the minute I slept with you that it would be all or nothing at all, and I realized it would be nothing since I started chasing you and I wans’t willing to let the dream die.

The notebook love does not exist and if it does, its’ based on delusion. who the fuck restores a house for a rich bitch who chooses money over love? That said, I’m all about not giving up my lifestyle for someone who doesn’t fit me so who am I to blame her? The difference is I am avoiding falling in love with that guy, with anyone actually.

When I met my first boyfriend, I preferred his friend who had a cool, surfer vibe to him plus apparently he was third in the class. Instead I ended up with my ex boyfriend, who was literally goofing off and not providing any support to his team. I didn’t think my ex would like me since he was half asian and seemed more the type to go with a delicate lotus flower of a girl. THe day we met used to seem so romantic, but now it just seems like there was enough between us to be friends and we were horny teenagers and thought it would last forever since we were both lonely in our own way, me more than him.

My second boyfriend who is not even really worthy of the name was a guy I met when studying abroad literally off the street. He adored me at first but ithere was the red flag which you tell yourself is your own sensitivity is that you can’t easily talk about or define thestatus of the relationship.  I don’t think I ever really trusted him, and after a while to be honeset I got bored of him, until I missed him but probably just missed the companionship, and yeah wanted to believe he was more than he was.

I only was able to meet him because I let go for C for a moment, the guy who seemed to check all the boxes and I really, really liked at the time and who represented my future as I envisioned it, not as it happened.

I just talked to my best one night stand ever, who I had no illusions about but who was a gentleman throughout the whole encounter and whose company I genuinely enjoyed. He said evreything happens as it does and don’t stress, these feelings happen to everyone.

I guess the main point when I take a step back is that when I don’t rate everything as failure or success things don’t look so bad, they look like an interesting story. And many things in my life which I didn’t want at one time I actually have and love now, and many things that started out shitty and weren’t what I wanted at the time at all have actually been amazing in the longer term…

namaste friends i will keep you updated