I just watched Life of Pi, I am seeing a psychologist, I went back to Crossfit, I might go hiking tomorrow, and I’m excited about a recent match from an online dating site.
Life is exciting.
Yesterday, I felt tired and heavy in my bones, very disgusted with myself and all my self defeating habits, and most of all, knowing something had to change, and I could never be happy within the box that I allowed myself. A box that was a big improvement over anything I had expected, but still not enough room for mywhole soul, as boxes tend to be.
The truth is that I want to write, I want to teach, I want to adventure, I want to thrive, I want to lead. Life is so full. I also want to love and be loved, by myself and by other people.
I feel like all my so called troubles are indeed a spiritual awakaening, f no less troubling.
I told my body, who tends to be more reliable than my mind, that I could let go of all my little self sabotaging behaviors. I told myself I could let go of goals as well, as the journey will just continue on. As the guy at Crossfit said, “It doesn’t matter where you come from, all that matters is ta you start.” Somehow not constantly measuring myself against something seems exceptionally refhreshing. I just have to keep starting, as the road doesn’t end.
Andthis is a road I wnat to walk. I don’t want to continue with my pre scripted life, which, while it might be lightyears beyond what I had previously planned, still isn’t quite working for me. Most of all, I want to change my mind. I want to be kind to myself. I want to learn to let things be, and to feel myself as part of creation rather than having to always be center stage and try to find one true and universal value applicable ot everywhere and everyone. No, I only have to live life as me, and my choices do not have to strive towards some self created avatar of perfection.
What I am most astounded by is that joy is where I am now- no matter how below zero I might feel at times, no matter how fall I feel I have fallen. I can, and do feel happy.
I suspect this was the whole point of why my subconscious dragged me down into the mud. I do hope I can get out of the mud as soon as possible, but I suggest this is ancillary to the point. Indeed, I think the whole point is that there is no scorecard, not even one I create myself.
That being said, I have felt quite frustrated, believin that my values and who I am wil continue to change at a rate that I can enver make my future self happy, and all my decisions made today will just be felt as a heavines and constraint on my fture self. A lot of my fantasies revolve alrround escape, and the idea of wiping thesate clean adn starting from zero, without constraints. THe truth is, the constraints are pretty much just in my mind, andin any event, constraints are what enable creativity. I am ready to welcome my creativity and go on the artist’s journey. I have indeed heard the call.
Before I hoped that some man would come along and be my crowning glory. Now I understand, as so succinctly put by my psychologist quoting Richard Dawkins, both genes and memes enable us to make our mark on the human race and win the evolutionary game, and I suspect I will not be happy just with passing on my genes. There would in that case be many songs that would be left inside of me unsung. And wouldn’t that be a crime against life itself.
I think my inner war between the present and the hazy, unknown, seemingly unreliable future will come to a bit of a truce, as I see that I can enjoy the moment without putting too much burden on the future, both in terms of borrowing against my future self in the idea that I can make up for all my indulgences of the moment, and also by not putting off very important things that I need to do today, like my writing, and setting up a blog. THat’s nto to say that I need to hasten anything.
Adventure comes in many forms, and it’s not only travel. In fact, it is perhaps most often not travel. If I make it on the hike tomorrow, and I do hope I do, that will be a far journey from old selves of mine, and perhaps a rapprochement with a certain part of my childhood dreamer.
I am happy, and calm, and perhpas not quite content but realizing I have and am more than enough, though it might take a bit longer for the realization to truly soak in.
THe truth is, I can do many things, but the trick is, I have to do what is true to me. THerein lies the rub in my case. This is a very fortunate problem indeed to have.
THe world will go on trying to mould me, but I also have to mould the world and make myself as I want.
But I can do it.
Life is good.