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So the guy was apparently working until 1 am with no access to his phone. I didn’t hear from him until the morning. He didn’t directly say sorry he just explained, and I said it was not a lot to ask for a word here and there. No response to that, and I can tell on whatsapp he really didn’t look at his messages until late afternoon. The joys of consulting (his job).

I’m really genuinely deeply sad because I realized that I did trust him that he was not to blame for whatever happened and he wasn’t doing it on purpose, although I am not happy that I didn’t yet get an explicit apology and that he didn’t respond to me after I specifically told him that it bothers me and he agreed.

I think the truth is that it’s not about me. But it remains to be seen if I can fit in the picture.

It occurred to me as I waited for him to eat dinner just how much I wanted someone to eat dinner with. It occurred ot me how much I was hoping that this relationship might take off and give me someone to kiss at New Years and buy a Christmas present for. I imagined cuddling and soothing him after a long day’s work and admonishing him to take better care of himself.

That being said, there hasn’t been a moment that I’ve felt my heart leap out of my chest. I am approaching this relationship o so soberly as much as I might affect or try to affect a devil may care attitude, because the truth is that it’s not everyday you meet someone smart and adventurous and bold and directwho seems to be genuinely kind and responsible towards others. But for various reasons despite quite a lot of speaking online in the first few weeks I’ve only met him in person once, and yesterday was planned to be the second time.

Maybe it’s for the best. I’m actually relatively glad of the virus that took over his phone that prevented the first meeting, it gave me a chance to heal from depression in ways I didn’t even realize I needed to heal.

And now I feel so grounded, like I have an unshakeable, deeply rooted care that isn’t planning the self worth how is this my fault that I am not loved game, at least not as i would have before, but I am really genuinely sad because I want a relaionship very much.

I want to make joint vacation plans and discover new things with someone who sees the world a different way. I know I can have a blast by myself but I want a new adventure, a new person to challenge me, and someone to share the highs and lows with.

I have always wanted this, and coming out of depression has made it all the more clear.

Because while travel has become very important to me and understanding other cultures and stretching my mind always was, I have travelled far enough to meet myself. And the Megan show, while amazing, needs not just an audience but a co-conspirator. And a bit of romance, seriously.

I get that no one is going to be perhaps, but it will be hard to move from judging on how inadequate my friends boyfriends are to consciously accepting the flaws of my own. I don’t know how much is too much. I do know that feeling ignored is very painful for me, and it’s important for our flaws to fit each other.

It doesn’t have to be this guy, but man, I am fucking tired of looking. And there’s never going to be anyone perfect.

Despite how open I may seem, there is now a guardrail around my heart. I’ve blamed my heartbreaks on myself, for trusting too fast, for not being circumspect enough. Now I wonder if mature love is a boring ass feeling that mostly consists of coming to terms with the fact that life is disappointing so you might as well accept flaws you can tolerate.

I do think there’s some magic to it, somewhere. ANd the magic is probably rather latent, in hiding, and has to do with remaining an interesing person.

All I know is in my heart of hearts, and I don’t think i’s p;urely biological, I genuinely don’t want to be single anymore and I really want to be part of a healthy couple.

And soon. I resigned myself for waiting as long as it taok, but to a certain extent that’s procrastination and the refusal to participate relentlessly in the manifestation of our own blessings.

Damn I am disappointed.

I didn’t know that the process of getting into a relationship had to be so difficult and trying. I feel so freakin exposed. I let someone know I give a shit. I lost my cool.

I am not in control.

My first and only serious relationship, I was definitely in control. He was devoted to me like a puppy ad i ended up nagging and mothering him. people asked me why i had to be the better half in my relationships at some point.

but after that i was always unrequited “love” with someone who didn’t respect me. just last year i went round a round with a guy who kept cancelling dates at the last minute or just not telling me when he couldn’t come. i kept giving him chances though but eventually he unfriended me.

i just want ot dance with somebody who loves me and feel something again.

maybe that means things ahve to go slower.

i was really happy about this guy because i asked him in my direct but joking way if we were seeing other people and he said no he’s not when i told him i wasn’t. with his work schedule i don’t doubt it.

but i can’t be with someone who doesn’t have the time and energy for me.

i hope that’s not the case.

i’m sad.

also today i became obsessed with doing a silk road vacation and had the feeling that perhaps i’ve been outdoing myself in the travel department as i feel making the kind of home i want in paris is just so completely and utterly out of my control. up until my last trip, i feared misisng out on things because of a significant other. now, i know that i want a signficant other more than i want to get to all my dream destinations.

maybe someday i will feel like that about a baby, and i don’t think this desire for a man is a purely biological one. i’m sure it’s just coming out of depression and admitting how human i am.

and perhaps i need to be compassionate and realize not all men are trying to manipulate and gain the upper hand. i think i need to go back to the psychologist to get some toxic stuff cleare dout.

please cross your fingers for me. i want to make love out of nothing at all, for real this time.

i even recognize the calmer steadier feeling instead of the heady rush of something that can never be. we’re not in love yet but i think if the right circumstances and conditions and respect can be created we could be.

namaste and wish me luck.

MJ

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