So I am probably going to end up going full-on Buddhist. I went back to the group that one of my commenters recommended, and I am scared shitless of falling down the rabbit hole of another organized religion and being a white chick doing yoga type of spiritual materialist and all those other judgey things, but mostly of going to hell, and what my parents will think (hint- the same thing). The truth at this point is that even if my parents said fine and dandy it’s’ awesome, the younger and harsher versions of themselves that parented me at 3 are still crying out NOOOOO in my head and shoving Cheerios in my mouth to make me shut up at church and mostly just wanting me to be a good girl and a good example for my younger sister. Those parents (in my head) have hated me since the beginning of time since I ‘m not perfect, and always will, so I guess I should tell them to fucking go to hell instead.
So basically the cornerstone of my life is rocking, and it’s quite a ride! My ego is going insane, secretly, silently, kind of in denial. WIll I completely turn my back on Jesus and GOd and the Catholic Church? Probably not, but I might google something like “historicity of the resurrection” and learn about Gnosticism and how early Christian ripped off the Neo Platonists to make us hate our bodies and those crazy Cathars and all that jazz. It might be a wild ride.
ANd then, and then, and then, I have to face the truth that not only am I not fulfilled in my job and not challenged and that’s one f the reasons I love vacation so much, but also that I do have a pretty good idea of what I would like to do in my life. Thing is, I do want to be an executive, but not in the kind of structure I currently work on or dealing with the products Icurrenttly work with. CMO hell yeah especially if I get an assistant to deal withthe paperwork but mostly yeah, I love marketing and communications, and even business, it’s just that I care about where my efforts are going and even though I am a good girl who follows the rules really, I should not spend my whole life in corporate. Mostly because, the structure is holding me back from giving my best rather than really supporting me. And I don’t feel I can be anything close to my whole self there, and I dare beleive there is something better.
Next, I am scared absolutely shitless of making any kind of move, because maybe in a year I”m in line for a promotion and I love my boss and overall things aren’t bad at all and overall I like what I am doing. It could be much worse, and I have hella vacation days and work for a well known company and have a retirement plan and all that and a bag of chips. Seriously. And the other thing I realized with a start a few months ago in the psychologist’s chair was that I like spending time with the people at work more than my actual family to a large extent and the one thing that’s been constant in my journey since moving to france has been working for a long, stable, trusted corporation, the kind that when you say you work there people know you have done something right in your life. And yet, I have the feeling that some but not all among them are blocked creatives in some way, and when I got an opportunity to do something with a start up on a part time basis I went nuts and realized how much more I could do. Not in terms of hours, in terms of contribution, and that no, I wouldn’t work for free for my current firm nor spend money to work there, I even sometimes resent the money I need to spend to keep my image just so, and I can’t beliee myself that I work in such a structured place with such a feeling of scarcity that it takes a year to get a promotion through during which I will have already been doing the job yet not receieve the pay or wahtever.
So there’s that. I’m terrified of changing to the point that I let my LinkedIn profile look like shit and I don’t market myself as well as I could by a very long shot.
Ok so another not so fun fact. I travel constantly because I am not happy with my social life here. It seems more useful to go do somethign amazing rather than just stay here and be sad I don’t have that many friends or at least not that many of the caliber I want (more on that later). I love Paris but have spent the last two years avoiding it. At some point I am not sure if I want to live anywhere, and I do miss the countryside to an extent and I do have good friends and may not wnat to move immediately and stuff, but yeah. I haven’t found back the atmosphere that drew me here in the first place, but facing these unconvenient truths should be a good start. Paris has really challenged me.
Next, I broke up with one friend because I realized he’s depressing and controlling and posessive during my trip with him to Ukraine, and he’s another blocked creative that no amount of money in the bank nor paid off debt will ever free, and he’s actually kind of a bumme rto be around a lot of the time which is why when I try to combine him with other friends it doesn’t work. e was my best friend at work, and blocked creative is a great way to describe him.
And then there’s the friend I am about to go meet, who helped me find my first apartment in Paris and who s still delusionally in love with the city around 9 yuears on despite not having an active social life nor purpose for being here. Maybe some things in life don’t require purpose, but while I am exploring Buddhism, she’s experimenting with party drugs and claims not to want a long term relationship, so there’s that. Psychologist thinks she’s home away from hom enad remind sme of my family (who she thinks I need to limit my exposure to because they bring me down in subtle and not so subtle ways) and I should limit my time with her. Pretty much every time se suggests to do something I”m late and or have something else I would prefer to be doing so I guess that sums it up.
O, and I finally saw Y again, and he’s beautiful and sweet. But still not returning emails, so fuck him but not really because apparently he’s sick. I don’t know what his deal is, but he has a girlfirned and thisis probably never going to happen and that’s a good thing. He’s great but he’s not the right fit for me except when he was a beautiful stranger, when he became my beautiful lover he wasn’t that keen on trying to switch things up in be,d not that I was that forthcoming, so guess I can’t blame him entirely, but yeah it’s no coincidence it took us four years practically to see each other again and he hasn’t responded to my emails in about three weeks. There’s always something to blame but come on, my first insinct that I didn’t want to go repeating the past with a dead end thing with no future was spot on.
And yes, I want a man and I want babies and I keep picturing myself in a small cute house in the mountains and a locaiton independent job and a chill life and no more masks and no more bullshit or very, very little of it. I guess that’s all I can hope for myself.
Also I think I should probably make an attempt t o make a good man through a shared activity or interest, not necessarily travel because that’s a way of finding an incompatible relationship that will never work, r is likely not to and to avoid being in relationship and being happy with someone to snuggle with.
I don’t actually want or need crazy sex stories. I need someone to have crazy sexy love with, and to commit to despite knowing what the future holds and that they are an imperfect being as am I, and that is heartbreaking.
I need to fucking getdown to writing my travel blog or at elast my other blog.
PS I need to clean my house so bad and deal with all my paperwork and bills and budget for the year and make a calendar and go grocery shopping and do laundry and attend to all the pesky details of life that keep screwing me up and don’t let me be my best.
And to do that I need to chill the fuck out about traveling. Iwill be well served if I can just put that money towards a bigger trip or lower debt. I shouldn’t have to travel constantly to feel sane and happy.
I should be happy in the place that I live, that I work, with the people near by to me, and I just need to chill the fuck out and accept who I really am.
Love you all. Namaste.