I have grown fat with hungers denied
Hunger buried under shame.
Nothing could sate me
When I did what I was told
always scared and hungry.
To fit the mold,
I took on layers of cushion
so my heart couldn’t be seen,
so I could hide the truth from my eyes,
like my feet.
I didn’t know I was pregnant
Like a Venus of Willendorf,
Round round full
I didn’t know the life-giving power of my hunger.
I didn’t know it was a volcano scattering earth
In the directions of the four winds
Fertilizing the earth.
They stopped me up
Put a cork in all my holes
So the life couldn’t get out.
So I couldn’t breathe.
And now, after years of pressure building,
I shake the earth,
It tears in two–
I slough off my extra flesh
Like a sculptor chisels his marble block.
All me, a perfect virgin birth
Of the most wanton whore
Like the dragons of Indonesia,
I didn’t need a mate to spawn.
I am the beast, and the princess.
No longer a captive, no longer a slave
Not a tormentor, not a victim
I shed my fate like a serpent shedding his skin
Embracing my destiny.
They never told me I could fly
A dragon, a garuda.
They never told me I’d be beautiful-
A Botticelli, a Venus de Milo.
I am so pure
A spring, a flame.
I couldn’t express my hunger
I couldn’t even feel it
I couldn’t give it a name,
A young girl who discovers her bleeding.
But finally my hunger ate what was me
A black widow devouring her mate,
Nature consuming society
Freedom breaking the iron bars of fear.
And now I am something that has never existed before-
A garuda, a sphinx
A virgin taming the unicorn, his horn in her lap.
I stopped being good, I stopped being evil.
I started being,
and it was good-
a snake eating her tail.
The hunger I denied
An avalanche of me building up for years
Crushing all its its wake-
Emptiness that became somethingness
A soul eaten to emptiness called into rebirth.
And now the fire across the sky
The dragon devours the heavens
The maiden fearless beside him.
Only a question remains-
Who am I today?