I feel like a different person since the last time I wrote this blog. In the meantime, I’ve travelled to India on a spiritual quest, thought I would convert to Buddhism and then pretty much decided against it after calling on Jesus and letting myself be guided by the maxim “we walk by faith and not by sight,” in my time of need, stayed with a Muslim family in Srinagar, camped out in the mountains of Kashmir for five days, learned to sit on the floor instead of on chairs, caught a parasite, drank from mountain streams, was violently ill very far from home, came to quesetion the valeu of travel, and finally took the last few steps out of depression and witnessed the death of the voice of self sabotage in my head. I also realized I would like to have a family, that is, children of my own some day, and I am on the right career track, no major transformation needed at this time, and just how grateful I am for my little life here in Paris.
I am not sure if I am going to keep up on this blog. I thinjk I really should start a new one perhaps and be much more serious about it, whereas this has captured my musings and word vomit from a very confusing time of my life. Now I see the light at the end of the tunnel, and I truly believe the worst has passed. I feel in some ways like I am back to my old self.
Another thing I believed I have learned is that suffering is not necessarily helpful or necessary in the quest for personal growth and to realize life’s truths. It is not something we should seek out, and we don[t need to constantly put ourselves in the most uncomfortable positions in order to grow and realize things. And sometimes, there’s nothing wrong with staying on the tourist track and just enjoying yourself. Another thing I realized is how much I want to walk through life with other people beside me, and that includes travelling with friends not just desperation for a relationship.
And travel isn’t necessarily the gateway to greater happiness or understanding, and a life of nomadism, at this time, is not what I really want. I want to be happy in Paris and stay in a corporate kind of job. At the present time I want to be a leader of an organization, not a full time freelancer. I want to go to CrossFit and do hiking etc regularly, but I odn’t need to go live in the mountains. I want to write, and take it seriously, and hopefully even earn money from it, but I want my career to give me the opportunity to be a leader and make strategic decisions, not just communicate the choices of other people.
I want to make really good money, both in my regular job and when my first book flies off the shelves. Having money gives more freedom and choices, and means I can help people more and enjoy my life more, there is nothing wrong with that. I want to own an appartment in Paris. I want to be able to help my family and to spend money for adventure activities on holiday. I want to have money in the bank that I can fall back on. I want to pay off all my debts including my student loans. I want to accumulate wealth. Someday I want to have a million dollars in the bank, why not?
And I want to spend money wisely and save it. I want to deal with the present realities of my financial situation without borrowing from my future self. I don’t want to be alarmed when I look at my bank balance. I want to know that even in the case of an unexpected expense I have enough and then some to stay in the black. I want to have a bit of cushion so even if I don’t transfer money to the US on the right day there will still be plenty to pay my monthly bills.
And yes, I do want love but I think I need to let it go in order to receive it. First of all, I need to stop making compromises before a relationship even starts. I need to go for guys I’m really excited about, even if I’m afraid they will reject me. I need to go for guys who are completely crazy about me and make me feel special. I need to just have fun and not worry too much about the end result but yeah, I need to go out with guys I am really attracted to, on all levels! I need to stop settling. I need to know that I deserve to get what I want.
In terms of my health, I don’t want to be obsessed with my weight, but I want to take care of myself. I want to live a long and healthy life where I can do adventure sports even when I am retired, and that includes not putting too much strain on my body by being significiantly overweight. I need to love my body as it is and appreciate its strength, and maybe not pay too much information to the number on the scale but really focus on my fitness and all that my body can do. Health is so important and my daily choices need to reflect how much I value it.
In short, it’s time to stop playing small and to dream, think, plan, and act big. It’s time to create the life I really want, understanding that it’s not a big transformation or a change of place or career that will give me satisfaction, it’s doing the absolute best I can going after what I want in my current situation, which I do already really like and is a solid foundation. It’s about trusting my intuition and allowing myself to be and do my best. It’s about taking one step up the mountain at the time and believing in myself that I am going to reach the top, and having the everyday courage to face the things I fear.
Good luck to you all in your endeavors.