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That time you told me that I like going abroad because I’m weird and in France it’s normal for me to be weird because I”m not from there and not supposed to be normal while in the US I’m just weird

that time you told me no wonder I have a boyfriend with all that weird stuff I post on facebook, and then one day once other people started liking my stuff you did too

that time you told me, “I don’t know what you want- you want everything, to have a family and a career.”

the numerous times you told me you were afraid I would be one of those parents who just gave money but not time to their children

that time you told me I must travel alone because I don’t know how to be part of a community and I am selfish

all those times you told me that if I loved you I would have stayed, in so many words

that time you read my fantasy book and you told me you couldn’t understand why I liked it

that time when I was a little girl and I told you I wanted to run away because I felt like no one understood me and you told me I was an ungrateful brat

all those times you used shame to make me be a good girl to the point I still wonder if I’m a good enough person no matter what I do

the fact that you socialized me to be a doormat like you

the fact that I fear motherhood because I might just become a self sacrificing martyr like you and lose my identity

the fact that I filter everything through the way that you think and have probably missed out on great guys or didn’t give them enough consideration because you think that you have to share the same country and religion to be a good match

when you tell me to shut up about my fears about being single forever, because if I can’t talk to you then who can I talk to?

when you tell me it’s normal my best friend has changed completely and given up most of her interests since getting into a serious relationship, getting married, and now pregnant

the fact that you can’t confront people and are passive aggressive adn I go to great lengths to try not to be like you

the fact that you are so good and generous that I feel like a horrible selfish ungrateful bitch to think even one ill thing of you

the fact that I’m almost thirty and I just now realized that maybe you aren’t the person you taught me to idealize you to be, and maybe my family is not as ideal as I was indoctrinated to believe

the fact that you will always be the last person to go ahead and fly my freak flag proudly, because you are afraid of people and just want to blend in and be socially accepted and have no backbone

the fact that I am mad at you just after I am reasonably sure I have your approval since I’m the only one of your adult children who is independent

the way you reacted when you found out I had sex and didn’t tell you. Of course I wouldn’t tell you! It is fair to lie in order to do what belongs to myself.

the fact that you are normally so good that I fear thinking one bad thing about you.

the fact I can’t imagine life outside of your template

the fact that you continued to send me to Catholic school when I came home terrified I would go to hell

the fact that you told me you lovED me so much as a baby you didn’t want to go back to work, although you did because just taking care of a baby was boring and you liked adult company, so you went back part time. What does that mean if I don’t love my baby enough to want to dial down my career?

the fact that motherhood is as close as you ever got to empowerment in your life, that you are only confrontationwith your children and husband and not towards anyone else in your life, and you never got a chance to be an individual because you spent your entire life suffocated by your family

the fact that i feel like a horrible person because I find love suffocating and co-dependent

the fact that you never let me fail when I procrastinated, or let me feel like I failed at anything

the way you explained it away when other people performed better than me to make me feel better and that I shouldn’t expect myself to overcome barriers

your general distrust of management which makes me hate myself as  a white collar person even though this is what you wanted me to be

you don’t have the balls to love me when I am weird and different

you treated me as an ugly duckling and only let it be ok to be different when I accomplished something

you always gave in to my sisters and taught me to be non confrontational and self sacrificing like you

mostly the fact that I fear becoming you so I fear having a family of my own, because if I don’t do it by your rules I will hate myself, and if I don’t do it by my own rules, I will hate myself

the fact that motherhood robbed you of any chance of having a life outtside of caring for others

all of the anxiety, perfectionism, and self loathing you bequeathed me

not modeling good boundaries

not being someone i could talk to without fear of judgment

feeling like you didn’t even know me even if you took care of me without fault|

that your voice is my inner critic, and i feel i have to listen to you to be safe :/

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