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So I got depressed in b school and kind of wasn’t my best self during that period, and then I went on to live life and even got what I wanted, but I still felt shitty and depressed abou tthe fact I went to b school and choices I made that led me to my current situation that was pretty good, and so I felt shitty and did more crappy  self destructive stuff, and now I feel shitty for the whole crappy self destructive thing, I don’t hate myself so much for going to business school, but now I hate myself so much for the self destructive stuff I struggle to stop doing the self destructive stuff.

A guy who wasn’t my first choice fell in love with me and I went along with it and got attached to him and only chose him by the time I was fully dependent, but then, maybe I did really love him for some time, because we were intimate and I don’t even mean sexually, but yes, because fo the intimacy I loved him even though he didn’t check every box and at some point he was a bit shitty to me but I let it go because I knew he was devoted to me and I still had his balls in a jar which he had given to me , without me even asking for them, although he was still a selfish shitty teenage guy in some ways. I hope someday I forgive and forget the day he told me he was ashamed to see me in a bathing suit in front of his friends and I think I might have still ahd sex with him that day.

Then I broke up with him and he went crazy I went crazy and I fell crazily in obsession with a guy who was really very little but bad news bears. So bad I don’t want to even think about it. That’s a saga I could sadly write a ton about but all I want to say is that it felt bad more often than it fel tgood and then everything the good was just neutral and the bad was very bad. He told me I dwarfed him and I had sex with him minutes later, among many other mean episodes of me wanting his validation and approval more than my own self respect, since I never had enough self worth anyway.

And then a semi decent, not even totally decent, immature for his age but slightly older than me guy liked me, and I turned him into a god because he checked every box and I liked his tats and his height and his eyes and I thought I could save him and he would love me forever. As it turns out, he did care for me but not enough, and i knew he wouldn’t from the very first moment, but I wanted ot believe anyway the same way I believed that a god had died for my sins and was a hero. I wanted him to be my hero. I wanted to be saved. I wanted to save him. I thought he would be the only one ever. I couldn’t believe anyone else would come around. I was loyal to a ghost. Finaly he blocked me in every way when years later, I told him I would come back to Ameirca. In the end, of course I didn’t.

And it’s hard to stop chasing ghosts. I fell in love with somebody, he was the wrong person and the timing wasn’t right even though we had a good exchange of intimacy together and he helped push me in good directions.

A guy who didn’t fit the bill of what I was looking for intervened around this time, and he was withtout a doubt the healthies trelationship I ever had. But that’s nto saying all that much. And to be honest, it was about the sex and comfort, I’m not sure how much of a real connection we had, although the chemistry was off the charts. I admire him, eh is a good guy, but he could have been a little better to me. I guess I felt like I didn’t truly deserve it. I don’t know if I pushed him away too. As usual, it was doomed from the start and I knew, yes, I knew, I would leave in 2 months and so did he, and no, neither of us but especially not him wanted to keep it going, even though technically i’m the one who broke up with him because I think I liked him more than he liked me, and I saw the relationship as more important. Fucker. He is a good guy, he always kept in touch a little bit. And now he has a girlfirned, and he doesn’t want me. And when I told him I wanted him, I was a little scared he would say yes. So funny scared ad sacred are nearly the same word. Bu tyeah, he has  agirlfirnd, and it was easy for him to be sainted at the time.

And recently, ther ewas a guy who maybe could ahve adored me, but you guessed it, not really available at all. Because he works in fucking  i don’t want ot tell you where since there’s not too many people that go there and yeah, even though he was nice and we went to a museum and had the most enthusiastically generous sex I”ve ever had, he is not here. And he doesn’t live heere when he is here. ANd I couldn’t get over the fact that after all of my adventures I might end up with someone who didn’t, at first glance, make me want to hop into bed with him, or make me immediatley bare my soul with him, just someone who made me feel comfortable and beautiful and maybe even a little loved and appreciated, but maybe that’s because he was not as “good” as some of the other guys. Although he is some kind of nobility, har har. I didn’t love him, not at the time, but when he was about to go away I wished I had the chance. And I had sex with him, well, just because I felt like it, not because I was partiuclarly hungry for him, bu tnow I look at his admittedly less godlike bod than some of the other guys I have slept with, and I wnat him, but he’s not here and will likely not be in the future, and I haven’t heard from him two weeks and don’t know when I will, and we weren’t in it for the love anyway.

Mabe he was just a gateway dude to realizing I truly want intimacy.

And recently there was some other dude that would have seemed quite satisfactory had I not had that previous experience. Nothing to write home about in any case, but just a chance to realize that it’s not that the person has abs or even is willing ot please that makes sex nice.

So here’s hoping I give myself a chance at meeting a guy who is present, wants the same things, and can give me that funny feeling in my tummy and earn a place in my heart.

I hope I give myself a chance to find out what real love is.