It’s everything that doesn’t quite fit in the box, whether it seems good or bad. I have thought that business school and the depression that took root at that point broke me, when actually it is what opened me up to life and made me real. The masks I’ve worn consciously have exposed those that I didn’t even know were there, so that a lie told on purpose revealed a greater truth.
I don’t want to go back to my pre-Fall self, when I was a holy angel who didn’t make big mistakes. I learned things in moments of darkness I could never have walking in the light, suffused with my own smugness and self satisfaction.
This self feels much more vulnerable and more deeply lovable and loving. The cracks, the scars, are rivers of compassion and mercy. I feel real, like the Velveteen Rabbit that went from an idealized plush to a truly breathing living thing. I am loved, even if my eye has fallen off and some stuffing is sticking out,and the stitching shows signs of wear. I feel aged and yet more childlike than I did as a child. I feel that by fucking up royally, I finally gave myself some permission to color outside the lines, and that’s a grand thing.
But the biggest thing I have learned is the smallest- that there is no revolution, no epiphany, no fabulous journey, no eat pray love moment, no paradigm shift, that saves you. Redemption, or rather, reinvention, is a choice made in small moments rather than tremendous choices. It is daily boring nurture rather than a grand adventure, and it leaves you vulnerable to the power of what’s already surrounding you, rather than waiting for tomorrow or to find some mystic land beyond the western sun.
And that’s a very scary thing, to think that’s it’s all here and now and has always been waiting for you, whether you were ready or not. It’s a little sad to think you’ve been passing by all kinds of wonders, and also that it was not one tragic choice, but a series of everyday decisions, that have brought you and kept you where you are. And yet, there is something so wonderful about being able to spend the day without getting dressed watching Netflix till five pm.
Sometimes, it’s when you are meant to be getting ready for a party, and you’ve thrown in a load of wash finally, and you feel ready to attack the kitchen and the bathroom and all that jazz, that of a sudden, your soul starts calling, saying, listen I’ve been here all along…