Crazy that it has been exactly one year since I posted on this site, one year to the day, and the themes keep getting more similar.
so in this time, I bought a flat! in the suburbs of Paris, I’ve stopped travelling for the most part, I cook confit de canard instead of eating fast food all the time, and I’m just generally more like the girl who left for Paris and found herself there all these years ago, and so much less in pain and confused
So here is today’s
I decided to grow roots because I realized I am finally happy where I am.
I thought I would either become a digital nomad so i could travel more, take an expat role elsewhere in a cosmopolitan urban center like Hong Kong or Dubai, or completely reinvent myself professionally to do something more fun, sexy, creative, mission -oriented etc for example go back and become a French teacher.
Then I went on a long trip and realized how much I missed my life. Not because it’s perfect or because I am afraid to get out of my comfort zone, but because it’s a good fit for me. With my strengths and weaknesses and personal preferences and sense of purpose. I want to do good for others while doing well for myself and work in a healthy environment that helps me grow both personally and professionally. I am not in line to be the next CEO, but to be honest that’s a bit of a relief.
I am so happy and blessed and so satisfied with the countries I’ve seen and the diverse cultures I have had a chance to witness, but I don’t need to go everywhere right away anymore. A trip on its own is not going to change my life and make sense of everything and magically fix everything I feel is wrong. I followed my heart around the world as long as I felt pulled to, and now my pull is towards my new hearth and home. I’m not saying I will never travel again and it’s not important to me and hasn’t been the best investment I could have made in myself at the time, I am just saying that my path looks a bit different now.
I want to be healthier, but this weight is my happy weight. I dont need to lose any amount of weight to be beautiful or deserving of love and kindness and I am so grateful for my health, and I do genuinely want to make the s everyday changes that really matter in the long run, continue moving my body in ways I enjoy, and prepare nutritious and tasty meals for myself with love. But the fact I weigh more than I once did does not mean I am less happy or less of a person than I once was. Dieting and trying to force my body to take a certain form is violent and stressful, and I don’t feel the need or desire to do that anymore.
As for my personal life, I do aspire to lifelong romantic partnership. I want to be with the person who makes me feel like Johnny Cash said of his wife and paradise, “this morning, with her, having coffee.” But the most important thing to do to get there is to enjoy every moment with myself and be a great friend to myself and others, and have enough belief in my own worthiness and courage to face my own vulnerability that I stay open. God works in mysterious ways and I don’t have to reverse engineer the perfect match. I am pursuing my own happiness and letting things happen in the perfect time.
So here I am, without any big plans or schemes, not striving for anything but well being. Yes I want to write a book but I don’t want to force that either. The point is not to write something, the point is to write a book that wants to be written and just create the conditions in my life and my soul for the words to flow.
I officially give up, I surrender to the ground of being, I am ok with being exactly where and who and what and how I am, and why I am the way I am and everything that has brought me here. I have faith in the future and what will be will be.
I don’t feel passive at all, there is so much to do just living a full and rich daily life. I don’t need to strive beyond that. The best Megan is the happiest Megan, is this Megan right here, right now today.
And you are enough too, and I hope you are gentle with yourself and life is full of ease for you.