Because God is at home with me.
Because I am doing my real work of writing.
Because God is there at mass too but I feel far away from Him/Her there.
Because I finally realized the Catholic Church is a corrupt hierarchy like every other, whose head does not believe in small l liberalism, no matter how much he is the person of the year, and the system of beliefs, is, in itself, a corrupt system, I do believe.
I’m not saying I no longer identify as Catholic, but that I really didn’t want to go to Church.
Because I need to get to the church in my own heart.
I have a tiny Nativity scene in my apartment, and I’m having trouble figuring where it fits into God these days.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the beauty and opulence of the Church, but I do think there is something wrong with its self assuredness.
The sure way to know you haven’t found God is that you’ve stopped seeking him.
So I am seeking him, and I have already found Him, and Her, in many forms and faces, but like Joseph Campbell says, the symbols must remain transparent to the eternal.
The symbols are just another veil. Even Jesus, even God made flesh, even the baby in the manger is just a cloak for that much bigger I who am.
ANd I love God’s creation. I don’t think my traveling, just because, is anything less than a pilgrimage. There are many ways of loving God and worshipping Him.
Today I feel like worshipping God is looking deeply into my own heart, and answering His Call to a fuller life. A genuine, purposeful life without illusion, that is not all about me but about being me, playing my own small role in the Nativity Play and not being upset that I was not someone else when they did the casting.
When the time comes, God will not ask “why were you not Muhamed?” “why wer you not Paul?” but rather, “why were you not you?” paraphrasing from Paulo Coelho
ANd I feel a bit penitent that I tried to take the easy answers out of life. I tried to believe my religion was the only true religion, and that meaning could b made from doing something that wasn’t my calling. I tried to deny there was more than the material world and the hierarchy of the Church.
I denied the mystery.
And now I feel, Emmanuel, God-is-with-us, is everywhere. He is in the fight I had with my boss that made me realize that I need to come to the Table of Plenty and eat living bread and drink living water. He is in the stars which I have only fully witnessed in the Moroccan desert, that make me feel so blessed to be a part of creation. He is the people that are sometimes difficult to like but impossible not to love, who are just shuffling along and trying to be good too.
He is the basic goodness of all things, despite all the war and plunder and rapine and injustice and privilege, he is my realization that I am flawed but perfect and infinite that led me to get a pink lotus tatooed on my body in remembrance of a moment realizing the beauty of life in a buddhist garden.
He is far more than the dove that I tattooed on the other ankle in remembrace of Christianity, which echoes back to the Arc and Aphrodite and Istarte.
He is in sexually transmitted infections, one night stands, hangovers, and having the cops called because there’s too much noise- not a demon that incites us, but the force of life, and the journey towards wholeness, towards goodness, that is all pervasive despite the apparence of something vile and corrupt.
He is my sexuality and my chastity, the great current of energy that leads us towards birth and deathand the thrill of our heartbeat and breath.
He is there when I question whether it all makes any sense, he is there when I think it doesn’t , he is there whne I know life is not fair, and humans are so flawed but so beautiful.
I think he is most present though when I stop my complaining and jabbering and witness, listen to the sounds around me, be present, and feel my tears flow or the pleasant pain of a bely laugh.
Today I can’t go to Church, because it’s not big enough to contain him, or even come close to representing him, and for the moment, I don’t want to go see what even the highest nature of men have wrought of him.
Today, I just want to be here, and know that God can’t escape me.
Be still and know that I am God.