Nor should it.
No moment is ever going to have every I crossed and t dotted, there’s always going to be a corner of the house that’s dusty, and the moment that thigs stop being in flux, you have stopped being alive. All illusions to the contrary- there should always be a little bit of growing pain.
Maybe you’ll never really know if you are opening Pandora’s box or making peace with the past when you reach out to an old friend.
Maybe as we look back, things seem to make sense. But then we realize that story doesn’t really fit, not just as new information comes to light but as we become wiser, better, older, and more curious.
More willing to suspend judgement.
Sometimes I feel so inadequate because I can’t assign meaning to the events that transpire or even my feelings, sometimes. It’s hard to say what was good or bad, what was a mistake or a fork in the road, or to tell a story in a way that establishes an ironclad moral for next time.
I thought there was something wrong with this seemingly unclear picture of my own life, and I know that I am free to ascribe meaning to it within the bounds of absolute truth and morality, but now I finally realize that it is only in my confusion that I see clearly.
Zen mind is beginner’s mind.
I heard that so many times but now I finally realize that it’s all about not immediately assuming you know the story before the present moment takes its course. most of the time you’ll be wrong, and in any case you will be a bit more dead for not knowing.
That’s not to say we can’t learn lessons and that some things aren’t generalizable. But some aren’t, and usually the places where we most wish for a clear interpretation and a rule that applies to any situation without discretion are the ones that are the most, well, impossible to say.
So, as I tend to conclude these days, Hallelujah Thanks to God, everything really is OK.
Even if it doesnt’ look like what I thought ok should look like.
Even if I was totally wrong about everything. It was and is, more than ok, simply good.
It’s easy to make life all about attaining certain targets. It’s easy to say time not spent in transit towards a goal is time wasted. I’s easy to say we are either in a state of failure or success, and for better or worse, growth requires a whole lot of failing before success is achieved only to have the target move yet again.
This is the journey, and this is the destination.
This is life.
And when we have eyes to see it, unclouded by judgement and open to every possibility, it will always be beautiful.