Someday you’ll find the love of your life
Not by your steely will, but kind fate.
In chaos you will find complete all that order left undone.
Will you hazard to love him?
You may meet him by chance,
But to love is your choice.
So I heard from my dude today. I was in class, as before, so I couldn’t answer. I’m kind of annoyed that he didn’t realize that and didn’t call me on the weekend instead. I don’t really know what his current situation is though so I can’t make any guesses. So yeah, I’m still a bit mad and hurt and feel like he doesn’t care. Who knows. Maybe he consciously thought things needed time to cool off and for me to settle in. I know he didn’t want to influence my decision whether to stay in France or not when I was thinking of switching schools.
Well, he called. But he did not call back at a more appropriate time. We’ll see how things go.
In the past few weeks, I’ve gotten closer to an old friend that I thought was my ideal guy. I had never felt like that before, and it was over without ever having begun. The perfect opportunity for romantic, obsessive love. And he’s really not a bad guy at all, and imperfect enough to be a good target for that kind of thing, because you wonder if you’re the one that has the problem (and sometimes, I did). So now we are kindred spirits dishing the dirt on our love lives and exchanging book suggestions and mostly I’ve been helping him get over his quarter life crisis (as though I was over mine). So yeah I would say he’s a friend I can pick up where things left off with but I don’t love him anymore. I do think I did really love him a bit beyond the obsession. And I know he doesn’t think he’s crazy and he admires me and when it comes down to it, he just didn’t feel the same way and I think he’s just not open and courageous enough in some matters for me. And now we’re friends. So, point being, the guy I would have picked out from the man store and have known now for almost two years and really know well is not really the object of my affections. I know about his childhood, we discuss politics, religion, and mostly dating and career stuff.
Then one day this guy and I kind of stumbled across each other’s paths, shared a drink, and I’m still not quite sure what happened after that. It wasn’t quite true love forever and always, but it was definitely something. Besides all kinds of cultural differences that could potentially make life as a couple a bit complicated, I wouldn’t say this is exactly the guy I dreamed about, and I don’t know that much about him. We were togetherish for about three months, I’d say 2 months as kind of a thing. Guess which guy I miss the most, and who I would say I still have feelings for. Not unequivocally dreamy romantic positive- the dude can learn to pick up the phone once in a while, among other things- but certainly there.
In truth, I stumbled across both of them. I’ve often kind of wondered about the symbolism of where and how we met, and what deep message the universe was trying to convey, or at least my subconscious in opening me up to a romantic entangelment at that place and time with that person. There is a lot of potential for speculation.
But what I will tell you is that random guy is better than the guy I would have picked out of a catalogue. If you asked me to list his positive qualities, I could probably give it a go, and if you aske dme what I thought was so special about him, it would be tough to say. I couldn’t write a whole book about why we were perfect together like the case of the first guy- serious. But somehow, he’s the one who was really there, and who I managed to be in a relationship ish with for the first time in many years. And, he calls me, whereas no surprise I often feel like more of the initiator in the other situation, but their personalities and cirucmstances are definitely not the same. So we’that might be irrelevant.
Point being- maybe I don’t need to have a goal in order to succeed whatever the heck that means. Maybe the proof will be in the pudding and I just need to hang on, enjoy the ride, and be a little bit smart about it, but not totally rely on my smartness to get me there.
After all, it takes faith and trust, and a little pixie dust, to fly. Why should a life be any different. After all, don’t we all want to fly?
Mindblowing Ted Talk on how being vulnerability is the key to growth, happiness, and connection.
So much of “success” is about prediction and control, not about the journey or the fears you face along the way. Everything is about minimizing risk and maximizing control- another word for manipulation I guess you could say. Cheating love, cheating God, cheating ourselves.
I can’t tell you how many things I haven’t tried because I was afraid I would fail, how many feelings I didn’t face because I was ashamed to have them, how many cookies I’ve eaten to take my mind off things.
This year, it’s not so much about losing weight, getting organized, finding a real job, and no longer pursuing dudes (and old friends) who don’t care for me back. What I forgot from the “don’t pursue dudes” life lesson was the most important part- listen to your heart and time will tell. It wasn’t about love, it was about wanting to be in control of my destiny and romantic future. Hedging the fears I’d end up alone forever single, in a failed marriage, and never have kids. I know I’m only 24 but it seems like every other day somebody’s getting engaged on facebook and when it comes down to it, it has made me so happy to get my dude’s texts on the way home from school his semester.
One of the reasons why this relationship or whatever it is has worked out so well so far is that there were so little expectations tied up in it, and so little pressure to envision a future. Plus, this dude truly does seem to live in the moment, for the most part.
it’s not like when from the first time I met this other dude, my last love interest, I thought he could be the one and the fact that in a drunken haze I thought he was the best kisser ever sealed the deal. I felt something that I’m still struggling to understand, and it seemed the more I got to know him the better he got, but I sometimes forget the fact that he was a little douchey au fond and while he could have been a bigger you know what to me, he wasn’t all that great either.
The fact that the guy, from the way I met him, to some demographic information, lack of English skills, to the timing in the middle of my around the world grad school program, it just took the pressure off. It was fun. And he was sweet, or at least he seemed sweet. I think he was sweet. While I wouldn’t say there was an instant connection or magic chemistry between us, and I have compared him to the seemingly douchier but more of what I planned “he’s the one” guy, I feel this sense of spaciousness and lack of aggression, simply niceness with him. I hear it in his voice, the kindness, and when he’s holding me I don’t feel trapped, I feel something expansive and vast, unknown. When I was crying on the train platform, I felt alive, and I had no words. A short while later, I felt relieved for having escaped the question of how to resolve it, and free. And then I was unhappy, dissatisfied, hurt, sad, angry.
I don’t really know what to “do” except be vulnerable. I’m waiting for another call (he did text me to say he’d gotten back to Paris ok) and trying to open my heart to the call of God, the goodness of the universe, and faith that I will be protected by something more more powerful than my own cunning, defensiveness, and cynicism.
I really don’t know anything- no real gurantee of where I’ll be in ten months after my program ends, if I’ll wake up tomorrow, and that the people I love will still be around. Dear Lord, give me the strength to be vulnerable, and care anyway, with no regrets, guarantees, empty promises, or false certainty. Please help me to accept and embrace what you’ve got in store for me, and face it with courage.