I thought love or at least a variant of it might be waiting for me here in Paris.
I thought I moving away from it as well.
I had a mec when I was here as a student a year ago, known on my blog as Y. I met him, one night out with friends when I determined to let go of someone else, the someone I was afraid of moving away from this time around (too).
A stranger in the night became a lot more than that. He was the first person I was really intimate with, on a daily basis, in years, who asked me how my day was. With whom making love was a routine like wrapping oneself in a comforable blanket.
But who didn’t quite inflame my soul or ever capture my closest confidence either. No matter how many times I tried to open to it, no matter how much I tried to stretch my mind around the fact that maybe it didn’t matter that we didn’t share a mother tongue or religion, that it was ok that he just just like a leaf on the wind and a happy camper while I am more of a thoughtful philoospher who more than occassionally goes wild. And he never really let me in, either. No part of me ever thought he was the One.
But I loved him.
And so we kept in touch, for about a year. Then I got the job, and somehow I made less effort, got a little disillusioned, he didn’t call when he said he would and I didn’t care as much as I would have in the past. and I didn’t even let him know really when I was coming, and wasn’t in such a rush o let him know I’d got here until I got other things in order.
Nd I was basically in love with someone else, the someone I tried to forget or at least let go of when I met him.
So basically me and Y played phone tag for a week. Then I tagged him last and he didn’t call back for like a week. Then I just got tired of it and wasn’t even sure if I wanted to see him (I got to see him last June after my departure last December and things were awkward even though I wanted so much to love him and to beleive he loved me). So I sent an eamil basically saying thank you for the good times, I know we aren’t right for each other, but if you still want to meet I’m down. Haven’t heard anything, and I lost my phone like the day after sending it. Maybe that was a sign to stop me from calling him.
And as for C, my love, who just isn’t ready for me yet and has two serious relationships in the past year and sometimes he loves me and tells me his deepest darkest secret but then we go for a while without talking and I feel like he doesn’t care and then we talk again and I know he always cared he just didn’t want to hurt me because he couldn’t give Me what I wsnted . But I still love him he’s m’jy intimate friend and three years without seeing it haven’t changed that. I sent him two emails and he hasn’t responded so I’m worried but I want to give hum a chance and the benefit if the doubt and ill soon have internet and free calling to the us at my apartment so life will be easier
and where is he now but DC where my journey began.
And where I want to see the cherry blossoms myself and probably live there some day. Its my first city love and I’ve only been there as an intern. I always thought I
d end up there and it was where io belonged but the idea if spending my whole life long therr seemed boring too.
I think I might be coming to a point where io want to travel a lot but not always live abroad.
And I hope someday chris and I will have a chance. Because I think wed hit it out of the park and I’ve never felt like this about anybody else.
Would that mean im ready to live for a year in paris without romance? Idk but I’m not ready to be in a relationship with him either.. so yeah
And I’m so afraid we will fall out of touch again but he did get in contact with me first pretty much si idk .
I think this is at least a big part if what love us and u hope thfeeling shared
I feel like I’m taking a leao off a building unkniwn nit just with Chris but with;the the whole paris thing
And the truth is that finally I love myself and paris is my gift.
It doesn’t have to have a reason or make sense to anyone else .
It doesn’t have to be forever to be true love .
But dear God, I hope I find a love that lasts forevef to love and be loved
to be true and beautiful and good
I’ll wait here planting my own garden and decorating my own soul
Until someone does to me what spring does to cherry trees