I feel pretty ambivalent towards most of the things that take up my time and mental bandwidth. First and foremost of which is business school.
Now the crazy thing about ambivalence is that it’s not just feeling neither yes no no- it’s more like Katy Perry’s Hot and Cold. I feel ambivalent on a moral level, because I think that profitmaking is fine but I don’t think it’s the meaning of life either. I think I’ve gotten some really good things out of business school that I couldn’t have gotten anywhere else, but a lot of the time, I’m a little confused as to my ultimate purpose in being there and less than inspired by my classes and projects. I procrastinate a lot, but I haven’t failed (Thank God) and I take pride in my work and participate in class. I’ve learned a lot about myself from business school, via negativa- what I don’t like or want to do, and in what I choose to do when not working on business school related. I can tell a lot about what I don’t want to do, and often why- I don’t have a positive goal at the moment, besides moving to Paris. Sure, I could go work for a non profit or school, maybe, but when it comes down to it I don’t want to do something boring, although my feeling is that most things will be boring over a long enough span of time. I also don’t think that the capitalist system is all bad, obviously, so some of those organizations just aren’t totally my cup of tea either. I could do Peace Corps, but I’d be stuck in the middle of Africa for two years. It could eb cool, but two years is a long time. I could do Teach for America or go back to school for a teaching degree, but neither of those things will get me to France, and I have ambivalent feelings about our educational system- not ambivalent, actually I think everything needs radical change from pre-K up…I could do the foreign service, but we’re stuck with kind of the same problem as the Peace Corps, plus I couldn’t just be a friendly, frank talking private citizen, and I would probably have to stop having blogs like this. And I might never get married, or get to do the random stuff in Europe I’ve always wanted. Not to mention having to do two years of administrative stuff before doing anything related to my specialty.
I could go back to school, in France, but I don’t really want to do that.
I could quit my MBA, but I’ve kind of put my professional reputation on the line and have already put a ton of money into it. Plus, I’m pretty sure I’m on the right track.
I also feel ambivalent about my dude. Sometimes, I want to just call him (like now) because I know there’s probably nothing serious to him not being in touch with me, just being a little flakey, or maybe he thought I didn’t want to or i have no idea. I can rationalize a lot of reasons to call him first, since he did try to call me a few times, over weird intervals of time. I don’t live in Paris anymore. There are times I miss him or rather being with someone or just him or idk and it still brings tears to my eyes, and then sometimes I’m mad at him, and most of the time I think that if he doesn’t make the effort to call me during a convenient time when I’ve told him my schedule (it”s not that hard- class during the day), it’s not worth having him in my life. And there’s no rush, I guess, really. There will be no end of uncertainty by either talking or not talking to him, and who knows what will happen in the meantime.
This is a difficult post to write. Most of my post tumble out. In this one, I’m afraid of seeing the words I have to say on the page.
I want to move to Paris, and I think I’d do even if there was a lot of uncertainty involved. But there are other things that are important to me too- I don’t think Paris alone will make me happy. And I feel as though I have other obligations, such as to family, making good career choices, and of course those student loan debtors.
I am trying to serve too many masters. Though I ask myself questions to try to determine their order of priority, and occasionally reshuffle as I get a bit more enlightened, I am going nowhere fast.
One of my best friends is an actor. he has made a lot of sacrifices for his passion, but he’s done it gladly.
Right now, I feel like i’m not doing a very good job at anything, except trying to keep it together.
Is this what adult life is like? God, I hope not.
I know that it will take a while, probably, to get everything I want all at the same time, or at least most of the things. I am only 24, and maybe I will end up being one of those poor souls who doesn’t have it figured out for a long time. And maybe I’ll never figure it out, because there is something larger than the me to it.
When I was deciding whether to stay in Paris or not, I had ambivalent feelings even then. The things I liked about it weren’t sure to stay, and I would have had to give up a lot to do it that I could never recoup, like the chance to finish my dual degree problem. It was a sacrifice I just wasn’t willing to make. Not when Paris will still be there, and I still don’t know that I want to spend forever there.
What is forever anyway?
Just a string of right nows.
And right now, today, I’m going to let myself do “nothing,” since tomorrow I will have to do the work I could have done today.
And now I feel ambivalent about whether I should after all call the dude, because he has called me. As usual, I feel kind of paralyzed with indecision, which is how I feel about every choice.
I’m tired of waiting. I don’t know if this kind of inaction is what patience is suppsoed to be about.
I don’t know if I wait long enough, with this or anything that’s on my mind, a solution will emerge. To act or not to act?
I’d rather act with full conviction, with akowing heart.
If I call him now, I will never know if he would have called me.
If I take a job I have mixed feelings about, it might just lead me to even more mixed feelings and wanting to leave but not knowing where to go.
In other words, it could lead me right back to here.
Is this what learning patience feels like?