It’s been a good day. I’m feeling pretty self actualized and more confident and have begun to accept that nothing is ever perfect.
On the other hand, some things should be easy. Or at least easier.
A delay with my visa has delayed my arrival in Paris. Not totally sure when I’ll get there but hoping to start work in early February. Had a conference call today and it went super well, the team is really excited to have me so it’s good to no there is no lack of enthusiasm on their part.
I was pretty excited to get back and see Y, who my feelings towards hav fluctuated even from the beginning.i Could be wrong but I think I know in my deepest heart he’s not it. It’s not a matter of me being prejudiced against someone from a different culture it’s just that there’s a level of connection that we don’t really have tha I do really want. Maybe we could make it work but we shouldn’t have to. I’m a loyal person an reluctant to let go of friens and lovers I have made a connection with and trusted. The truth is, I always knew I would have to let him go and I think tha’s wh I’ve tried so har to hold on. Just another protest against the impermanence of being, just another yes because I thought it was the right thing when I really wanted to say no. When I refused to let go of what was good but not quite right. Something that could be made to fit like the perfect pair of shoes that you only wear to parties where you know you can take them off soon.
And I’m not afraid of going back in the wild and looking for some new fish in the great Parisian ocean. Catch and release doesn’t always come naturally to me, and I’m not so good at giving something a try unless it seems perfect from the start. The only way Y got past my defenses was that it was pretty much destined to end unless it were to become a grea love sory of overcoming distance but it wasn’t. There is a lot of good there, and maybe I’ll surprised when I got back to fin there is a lot more to him than what he seemed but I think I’ve always known he’s not mine to keep.
It’s pretty easy for me to be single and not looking and totally off the market as I’ve eben hese past few months or to be out and just looking for a good time. I am scared, scared, to enter into something else tha might end. I am so scared really because I know I want to be in a relaionship and I am not detached, I am not ironwoman, I am vulnerable and soft inside. I am looking for someone to make dinner for and take on backpacking trips. Even if there’s some lighthearted fun along the way, to know not onl that I am vulnerable to catching not just some school girl dewy eyed feelings, but open to a real, deep, intimate relationship that might even last my whole life, is a different level of sensitivity. It’s not a painful fear that grips the stomach, it’s an all over tenderness that reminds you that yes, touch does matter.
And touch is needed. Or at least, yes, i can admit I totally love having someone ask how my day was. That i like holding hands, receiving presents, and calling someone my boyfriend.
No shockers there but I’m actually in a position to have those things since I’m a little more stable myself, both emotionally and location/career wise.
The real clincher is that I know I am lovable. Like honest to goodness, deep down, can stan me for more than a few hours at a time lovable. That my curiousity and deep conversations can be appreciated. That even my arm fat is worth an affectionate pinch (Thanks, Y), and even with a few extra pounds guys still like me an I on’t have anything to apologize for. Thank Goodness for male friends. There is somebody out there who will talk all night to me, I’m not too weird, and there’s nothing I need to change about myself to get that from someone. There’s no rules I need to folow, roles I need to maintain, an with the right person there’s going to be no worries about that shit. That’s really the biggest difference, that I KNOW with all my being and there is somebody out there dying to meet me, waiting to really love me, not just for a romantic fling but to really be in the right place and right time to stay in my life, to put a one dimensional, for the indefinite future, arrow.
And that is scary as shit, because the last time I picke somebody for a long term relationship, I picked wrong. Lives were ruined. A dynasty went down. Many hijinks and lonesome days ensued. I stopped missing wha I had but I never forgot what I was missing. Y was a vivid interlude where I got a taste of what being in a couple oculd be like. More importantly, having great friends, especially my best friend, has showed me what it feels like to just enjoy being with someone. If I can get the take my clothes off and talk all night feeling, I’m going to open the floodgates and my world will never be the same. I might waste years of the theoretically peak time of my life on someone. I might get into a relationship and never get out of one for the rest of my golly jeez life. I might never be single again. I might be hurt and afrai and waste more time.
Not everyone comes into your life to stay. Not everyone who loves you and cares for you will be an active part of your life. Sometimes it’s nobody faul, no even me who always tries to hold on. Sometimes you just have to stay open and you can’t even burn your bridges since you aren’t sure where life is taking you.
In order to get the job I have, that I think I’m really going to like, I had to give up literally every preconceived notion that I ha about what I would do, from job title to industry to function o secteur of the economy, and even location. I don’t know if it will be my forever job or if such a thing exists, but I do know it will be a formative time in my career. If I had held out for perfection, I’d still be unemployed. What’s more, I realized my old ideas of perfect were totally incorrect. Ironically, this job seems to bear a strange resemblance to things I’ve done before, albeit in quite different settings.
I have the feeling that for love, I’m going to have to do the same thing.
I’m not going to the City of Love to find love, i’m going because I love it. Maybe I’ll find someone else who loves it too. To love it with me, because he loves Love too. And knows how to do it.