There are a few things I need to let go of, starting today.
One is my belief that I have to have everything in place in order to be happy. That is simply not true. I WILL NEVER HAVE EVERYTHING IN PLACE- hopefully I will always be growing, living organism responsive to my changing environment. I won’t ever have it all figured out. There is no destination.
Secondly, I need to stop trying to be the person I thought I should be. I need to stop seeking other people’s definitions of happiness and security. I need to follow my own wisdom, and make my own mistakes. And mostly, listen to my heart.
My heart has been hurting recently. It’s been about the time I knew Y, my dude in paris, as the the time since I’ve seen him. ANd the last time I saw him, while good, wasn’t particularly close or intimate feeling partially cause we were with my family and in America. I’ve been in contact with him since then but he said he’d call me very soon last Monday and I still haven’t heard from him. Supposedly he called me the Friday before that, when my phone was actually having trouble so I don’t doubt him. I don’t really understand why he wouldn’t want to talk to me before now though, and my anglo-saxon feeling about that kidn of stuff is where there’s a will there’s a way despite the time difference.
I realize now that no one can heal the hurt inside you and no one can fulfill your life. When you seek for someone desperately, sometimes you just want something to anesthetize the pain from other areas of your life. When you seek fulfillment in another person, you are withdrawing from your own life and not taking responsibility for your own happiness.
And putting a burden on someone that they just can’t bear. And probably won’t, and will shy away from.
If I’ve loved more, it’s not because I’m more sensitive, or more attached, or more trusting- it’s because I’m more daring. Love takes courage, especially in difficult circumstances. In love, as in many other things, I have gained the willingness to fail- because I have accepted past failures. Sometimes I obsess too much thinking nothing could ever top the magnitude of my first love, and in doing so I am blocking out all future loves.
Does this hurt worse though? More keenly, maybe, because I’m in touch with my feelings and hwo I am in a way I wasn’t then. More honestly, more cleanly, more simply. More truly, maybe.
And also its just more confusing, because what does “talk to you soon” mean when you’re an ocean away and the earliest you might see the person is september? And you might just be reluctatnt to hurt yourself or the other person? And you are someone who hides your “negative” feelings? And you’re life has gone on as before you met me? And you think I loved you too much for such a short period of time, that I am naiive, and spoiled, and silly?
Maybe you never said anything like that, and maybe it was me who thought that, not you.
I don’t know.
But good bye, until we speak again.
I gave it my all.
I have no regrets.
I’m pretty sure this is my final limit.
And look I’m not chasing you.
And sometimes, I just want to hang up on you. I’m not sure if that’s the right thing to do. Sometimes I just want to make an excuse and be passive aggressive and see if you call back. Sometimes I want to try to play games with you to see if you’ll play.
Sometimes I’d rather do anything than be honest with you agian, because you weren’t honest with me.
Maybe we will meet again, maybe we won’t.
No thanks to you for being stoic about it. I’m going to not be bitter though.
Good bye. Be well. Take care.
I love you, I loved you, I don’t know how much. But I was brave enough to do so. And now I’m brave enough to say good bye, unless you say hello again.