So, I’ve been stressing and worrying and paralyzed for a while now. I’ve been kicking myself in the ass for not planning better and because I didn’t like the results of my actions and maybe my intensions were impure and I don’t know what to do with my life and blah blah blah.
Point being, this is all superfluous.
I’ve been doing pretty damn ok for the past few years not really knowing what I wanted from life.
I’ve suffered more from things not going as I expected and simply feeling inadequate for not HAVING expectations. Many times, I’ve turned activities I loved into purgatory because of relentless, punishing goal setting.
I guess it all depends on the person tho.
At this point, I will admit a few things:
1 I hate structure
2. I hate things that don’t make sense
3. I hate doing the same thing every day
4. I hate not having control of my time
5. I hate not being able to pursue things I like
I guess some of these apply to everyone, but definitely not in equal intensity. I think a lot of my colleagues actually enjoy tedious, repetitive, predictable work.
I may not love business school, but it’s a data point that has shown me a lot about myself. And like it or not, it is a credential that once earned will open doors. And occasionally, I learn stuff too, even if it’s not all riveting. I know a lot of people like to call tedium, boring mediocrity adult life, but for me this is just a stage I’m passing through, or so I like to call it.
I don’t know what the future brings and I like that.
I have high hopes of going to France after I graduate and every intention of doing so and trying to hustle myself into a good place once I get there, but I could do anything I wanted right now. The skies are wide open.
Yes, I have debt, yes I’m overcredentialed for my experience one might say, Yes, i don’t think my elevator pitch is that convincing and a lot of people think I need a goal. Or at least I think they do because in this world most people think we do.
But I don’t. I just need to adapt intelligently.
Whne the rubber hits the road, it’s not about having the best plan. Plans are for wusses. They are security blankets. They hamper creativity andencourage mediocrity.
Plans are for people who try to rationalize fate- which is the ultimate in pointlessness.
Yes, I am will of the wisp. I am not very consistent. I change my mind every two seconds (who the hell said I had to make it up in the first place), and I’m not that conscientious. I don’t suffer from, I PROFIT from a serious case of wanderlust. I can handle being footloose and fancy free. I use to submit to the collective myth that humans need to try to control everything. Call me an atheistic for shattering that golden calf, but I think there’s a real God out there and I’m willing to wait and see a little bit.
yes, I’m human. Yes, I want a guaranteed way to get everything I want all the time. Actually, I don’t, because like most humans I am a horrible judge of what will make me happy.
I’m not quite a Zen master yet, but I will say that I hate trying to force everything. I’ve been trying to push, hasten, and just plain drag everything along to the point where I’ve become burnt out and sometimes need o just chill. Sometimes the more I push, the more I have to fight the pull.
Sometimes I do want to scape where I am now, because I don’t know if it will take me where I want to go. It will, actually, at least in part, though there’s a lot of stuff taht just rubs me against the grain a bit. But in the end, I ‘ll be stronger for it. And it’s okay to remain in a situation that doesn’t make me perfectly or even that close to happy- it won’t be for a long time and I still believe enough in the value of the work Iv’e done that I want to get this degree. I still think that it’s worthwhile to finish it, and that finishing it well is worthwhile in itself. Not because I have to, not because I have to impress people, not because I “need” the degree, not because it cost a lot, not because I’ve put whatever into it already, nto because you should finish what you start.
I may not have made the decision to start it had I known then what I know now- which I learned in business school, so it hasn’t been useless- but now started, it is worth finishing.
I still manage to slip in some things I like 😉
Direction does not make up for hustle. Direction doesn’t count if it’s externally imposed. Direction isn’t worth a crap if it doesn’t take you to a place you actively want to go and you arent’ just afraid fo the unknown.
Apparently, “Man is the arrow, and God is the abyss… jump!” according to Kantzakis in St Francis.
I don’t need a direction, and I don’t need a guarantee. Basically I just need some good luck, elbow grease, and the grace of God. And to listen to that still small voice. Not to mention, I’ve got some mad cool stuff going for me!
I don’t need to know the future holds to enjoy my present.
And I think I’m finally at the point where I’m realizing my addiction to expectations is poisoning my reality.
And my reality, including business school, is not so bad 🙂
It’s pretty exciting actually!