It is really, really hard to stay in the present.
It is really hard to accept oneself.
It is really hard to let go of FOMO (fear of missing out).
It is really hard to listen to your own heart, and not get caughtup in all the what ifs.
It is hard to stop trying to optimizing, to scheme and plot and dream, and feel content and satisfied.
It is hard to let go of the belief that satisfaction and contentment are a sign of weakness and mediocrity.
It is really, really hard to say, ‘this is it, I’m happy,’ and not think of some point in the future, after having achieved x or switched tracks or having this person in my life, I will finally be happy.
It is hard to say that it wasn’t an accidental twist of fate that took me away from him, that there is no “what if,” there, because his hand was never mine to hold. Destiny was not thwarted in the life.
It is hard to realize that the life I planned was not really the life I wanted, and this life, despite all its occassional humdrum and loneliness, actually does make me mostly happy, and accept what I have and work with it.
It is hard to admit that while I am still young, and anything can happen, I have found myself, have found a place in the sun for me, feel like I belong, and I have already gone the distance.
It is very, very hard to accept that though life has already had many twists and turns, and probably will have more, for the moment, it appears as if I have found a real sense of calling and avocation, a career I love, a place I love, and people that make me feel like home.
It is hard to appreciate that all the flaws I still have that I thought would magically melt away when I followed my destiny, and actually are melting away as I have the grace to let go of them, are not actually proof that I am going in the wrong direction, just signs that I am trying to escape, despite my deep and real happiness.
Is everything perfect? Could everything be more perfect?
Is there anywhere else I would rather be at this moment? Anything else I would rather be doing? Any career path I feel I would be more suited towards? Any dream I haven’t given myself over to?
Well yes, there’s the idea of professional blogging. But I am going to get on that. And it doesn’t have to be my day job. In fact, I would rather have it remain my little escape.
Maybe it’s not so bad to escape from time to time. Maybe all that’s needed is a little break.
But perhaps what’s most important is realizing that you actually are happy to come home; you have truly succeeded in your quest and savoring that success, and all the responsibility that comes with it, is your next adventure.
Change can be a drug. The belief that change will solve all your problems is one of the worst illusions. Sometimes, change is needed. But other times, we (I) claim there is a need for some deep change, as a way to procrastinate from living our real lives.
Most often what is needed is a change of mindset.
Is it so hard to admit, I am really happy? Is it so hard to say, I let go of my delusions of grandeur, admit that the life I am living is more in line with my childhood dreams than any of my plans of “real life” that seemed to be disrupted when I embarked on my current path? Is it really that hard to finally say, I am worthy, I am complete, and nothing that I’ve done has been a mistake?
This is it, really.
Dreams are great, they really are. But if I become a plus sized model, or professional travel blogger, or award winning essayist, or suddenly have so much money I can stop working, all my main struggles will be the same. Really.
And the truth is that I don’t want to stop working, because in my current work I have found really deep lessons, a desire for leadership that was not fully awakened before, and awareness of my gifts and what I am able to contribute. I have found both humility and self esteem. My job nourishes my creativity, not just because it gives me the means to travel and awareness of my abilities, but also because it challenges me to work with people, to follow, to take the first step towards leadership. It give sme the raw material to write from.
My job is not obviously noble, or altruistic, or world-shaking. It is creative, but not directly artistic. I don’t suffer much as a result of my job; I don’t suffer in order to do my job; I earn enough money to live well.
I live in the most beautiful city in the world, the city of my dreams, the city of life.
I am so blessed; it’s hard to see how some big change would make things any better than this.
Within my career track, I am ambitious but not blindly so; I don’t need to be the head of everything, just want to grow and prosper in my own path without sacrificing my well-being. It is not an ambition that makes me suffer.
For the first time in forever, I’m not trying to get anywhere.
I am rich, truly.
I am satisfied, healthy, content, happy, joyful.
Yes, I do look forward to going to work in the morning, and to my evenings and weekends and holidays.
Yes, I have plenty of time and space for my passions outside of work, and people who love me. I feel for the second time in my life that I really belong.
I don’t want change. I don’t want to see what’s behind the next door, don’t think that there’s something better elsewhere.
I don’t even crave to be rich or famous.
Yes, I want a boyfriend, but my happiness is not in any way waiting on that.
I want a boyfriend, and maybe he will turn my world upside down, but what I really want is someone to share the world I have created, the life I have now.
Yeah, I am good, really good.
I am the luckiest girl in the world, and I finally know it.