Self Love is not just a means to an end, it’s the whole point of the journey.

Tags

ambition, career, happiness, healing, meditation, mindfulness, peace, philosophy, psychology, self love, turning thirty, twenty something

I didn’t realize that the journey to realizing my desires- both in the sense of realizing what they are and making them reality in common parlance- would be a journey in learning to love myself. This has completely blindsided me.

I had so completely bought into the logic that I was nothing more or less than my achievements, however defined, hook line and sinker that the idea of doing anything other than achieving more to feel happy could never have occurred to me.

I was aware that I had hit a wall in my development because I lived in shame, self-doubt, guilt, and anxiety, that made it difficult for me to funciton. And the more harshly I judged myself, the worse my behavior and outcomes became.

I probably could have gone for decades, or at least years, without realizing that the core problem is not that I haven’t achieved every single goal, or that my happiness is contingent if not on actually getting the things I say I want, at least on giving my absolute all to get them. And then I realized, maybe happiness doesn’t actually come from things after all, and getting the things that I want is just an adventure that comes and goes.

I don’t think that real happiness is conditional on me getting everything I think I want today.

And I definitely don’t think that real happiness requires me to follow all my plans and schemes to a T, to make my bed every morning and live life with the drill sergeant of my ego constantly shouting in my ear- you suck if you do this, you suck if you don’t, whatever you do is never good enough, you suck until you achieve this goal. And then I achieve the goal, and then it’s never enough, and the vicious cycle starts over again. I’ve been wasting too much of my life in it. Not just in terms of years of happiness I didn’t get to live because I was busy playing the shame game, but literally not being conscious of life as it passes by because I am too caught up in these painful thoughts that turn even the sunniest day and the world’s greatest wonders and most simple, profound pleasures into eternal 40 degrees, gray and raining, with all hope or memory of spring or winter or fall or summer completely forgotten, just a bleak wasteland where seeds drown in sorrow and there will never be any fruit.

If I start from a place of loving myself, and that I already am enough, do my goals actually change? What a goal oriented thing to ask.

If you already are enough and have enough, what do you truly desire?

If life is already peachy, what is all the fuss about?

I think that self care is being your own best friend even to the point of forgiving yourself for years of being your own worst enemy. I don’t think it’s necessarily about doing a certain number of sun salutations in the morning or eating your vegetables or saving your pennies for a rainy day.  It’s about having the self love to do those things, to want what’s best for yourself, instead of giving into often consciously self destructive impulses.

It’s about having the courage to climb up the mountain of mindfulness where the air is clear, and leaving the storm clouds of shame and guilt behind.

It’s about realizing that punishing yourself serves no purpose- you did the best you knew how to do at the time. if you had known better, you would surely have done better. And if loving yourself doesn’t come easy, you aren’t to blame.

So do I still want a baller job, an amazing salary, an apartment in or near Paris, a handsome prince, a baby, a trip around the world, to be a respected travel and photo journalist, to learn Russian, crochet, and bellydancing, to go to South America, to do the banana pancake backpack trail, to hike Nepal, and write my memoir that will be an overnight sensation like Eat Pray Love? Yes Yes Yes Yes YEs YES YES YESY EYS

but I am going to transform the world from a place of love and abundance, not lack and hate. I am going to embody the love that everyone in this world needs, starting with myself. The rest is just details.

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Recovery from the cult of perfection

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adulthood, depression, growing up, happiness, healing, life, maturation, philosophy, self acceptance, weight, youth

It has finally occured to me why I am neither thin, nor rich, nor coupled off, nor as happy as I should be. It’s the self same reason I struggle with inner peace, impulse control, and self sabotaging behavior.

I have spent my whole life trying to be the person I wanted to be. This is an ever changing adn impossible to achieve goal. It only makes me feel shitty, and I am mired in basic inadequency and lack of self worth.

It has always been so, since the beginning of my memories practically and my consciousness of myself as a person. But I pray it will not always be so.

Because this is wat unites the times of binge and self starving famine; this is what myperiods of ennui and laziness have in common with my hyperactivity- the belief that no matter what I do it’s not enough, happiness is somewhere beond the horizeon, and I cannot be content with the way I am now.

And I realize that both extremes are self rejection; the stagnancy i have felt for a few years, and all the muck and self sabotage and self loathing comes from the fact I finally recognized I can’t be who I thought I should be, and I am not now, as a so called adult, doing anything like what I expected.

I am not the person I thought I would be, and it’s taken me a while to mourn the dreams that did not come to fruition. But what I have missed, and what’s been a bit pathetic, is the fact that perhaps what did come about, even if not by my design, has been so much richer and multifasceted and profound than what I had envisioned for myself.

My period of disillusionment and sloth makes complete sense in light of the fact that I never felt like my chage efforts took genuine root in me, nd the more I became and achieved the more I felt there was to go. I suppose I took some pride in myself along the way.

And self acceptance is not self indulgence. Going in the opposite direction fo who I wanted to be and staying stuck in a rut to avoid the pain of failing hasn’t helped much either.

I know the only way to get out of this is to accept myself, to beocme more of myself, and to know that the most genuine part of me isn’t my flaws.

It’s my courage, my heart, my perseverance, my goodness, my honesty, my sensuality, my sweetness, my curiosity.

I am not an obese inner child and I am not a compulsively dieting perfectionist 14 year old either.

I am a woman recovering from hating herself. And realizing that it wasn’t just me that decided to hate me, it was the whole world who was afraid of a strong woman and an independent thinker, who wanted to turn me into a sheep instead of a hero.

But here I am.

 

 

Some Nights I Stay Up…: Anxiety and Promise

Tags

healing, job search, life, self confidence

Every day, I feel stronger and more restored. More capable of saying yes to life, filling out job applications, and believing where I am now is where I’m meant to be and it’s alright.

That being said, there’s still a tremendous amount of anxiety. But there’s also hope.

There are so many things I’m afraid of, so many things I feel I “should” do, so many choices I hate making. But now, despite all this understandable fear, I need to just soldier on. It’s a marathon and not a sprint.

That’s not to say there won’t be procrastination, generous breaks, or anything like that. Quite to the contrary, I’ll be doing my best to enjoy the journey. I know I have the courage to see it through.

I’m so grateful for how much better I feel relative to a month ago or even a week ago. Many of my fears have been healed, and every day I get more self affirming and confident. I know I can do this.

More and more, I believe I actually am qualified to do something, and that I’ll do great at a variety of tasks. I’m becoming more willing to say yes to life even if it takes me off what I thought would be my path. Little by little, I have the courage to forge my own path and stop comparing myself to others. My will to succeed is greater than my fear of failure.

What I can say is, I can do it. I will do it. And I know I’m going somewhere better than I started, and I have faith in myself to see it through. The little voice says: Desire, Ask, Believe, Receive. Yes I can. Now I just have to keep saying it.

It’s true that your thoughts create your world, and making the decision to have faith in myself is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. There are so many fears and doubts and anxieties and indecision. All I can say is, I’m doing my best, and that is enough.

Trying to Quiet/Quit Anxiety

Tags

anxiety, confusion, dating, frustration, healing, hope, life, long distance, procrastinating, relationship, romance, school, stress, worrying

I like to think I’m a calm, sweet-tempered, even-keeled, go with the flow person.  I like to think I handle uncertainty a little better than other people, that if someone else were in my shoes, they would go crazy.  Or at least, I don’t let on if I’m crazy and try pretty hard not to let it impact other people…

Well, I really am crazy.

It’s amazing how anxiety can take even the sweetest, most anticipated happenstance events and turn them into a tsunami you desperately try to control. It’s the little things that create an earthquake at your core, and make you wonder if tomorrow will ever come. And amidst all the inner catastrophe, you still need to ask “Why?” Why is it hitting me this hard? Why is this happening now? And secretly, Why can’t I just stop caring about this?  I knew there’s some secret message from my soul encoded in all the catastrophe.

But, blessing of blessings, at least I recognize the avalanche now, instead of being buried under it. At least cataclysms aren’t an everyday event I’ve grown numb to, just expecting to expect them anymore.  The joys of growing older and wiser, I hope. Maybe more focused on myself, more confident.

And then the guy I have been sort of chasing for about a year and a half just hits me up and asks me how I’m doing and when I leave again.  And I can kind of read between the lines, because he seems a little sensitive among other things, that maybe he was thinking of seeing me again. Posibly for the last time before I hopefully move to Europe. This is the guy I dreamed of, everything I asked for, but still human, whose fragility I’m all too well acquainted with as a close but physically distant friend I haven’t seen since he kissed me goodbye, knowing we couldn’t possibly be together under the circumstances.

And then stupid Y, who I’m still kind of mad at for not being more open with me about his feelings and every slightly annoying thing he ever did.  He really hurt my feelings by not telling me in words how much he would miss me and acting indifferent because he thought I couldn’t handle myself and go on with my life otherwise. [Not to mention I had dreams of a friend being veiled so she couldn’t even see by her mother “for her own good”- Y happens to be Muslim btws] And I just randomly started crying about it and then felt a little sorry for myself yesterday.  Before the other guy decided to get in touch.

Pretty much neither guy is physically or possibly even emotionally available for a real relationship. I am so busy with schoolwork, and so consumed with anxiety over my future, and anguish over just everything that hurts, I don’t know if I really am either. I don’t know if I really want to meet somebody here in Philly and have to almost certainly leave them behind. My heart is so full, but I’m so lonely sometimes. I miss having someone to hold my hand and ask me how my day was and stroking my hair unbidden when he could tell I was upset.

That is Y, the guy from Paris who doesn’t speak English who was born in Algeria, the one I was actually kind of sort of in a relationship with who met my parents during his brief sojourn (planned before meeting me) to see a friend in the US over winter break.  The one I actually know well enough to be annoyed by, and to know that he is 1000% neater of a person than me.  He called this week, I was in class, he said he would call back.  I sent him my class schedule.

And then there’s C, we’ll call him, the guy I met and loved and lost all to quickly, not the right moment, but I really really thought he was the right person. We have a lot in common, I’ve known him for about 2 years and know ridiculous things about him, and he speaks English but no French. We have ridiculous things in common, from religion to politics to travel to just being the person that never feels far away no matter how long it’s been.

Mon dieu! It feels like archetypes colliding, different parts of myself from different times. I wonder if some third guy will come into the picture that’s the best of both worlds.  The truth is, depending on where I move after graduation, my life could take a totally different turn. I hope to see both of them again, and there’s really no way of comparing between the two, except that C was really just a dream, and a friend, while Y was a guy I dated for two months and now miss because there’s things to miss about being with him.  I’ve never idolized him to the same extent as C, and I don’t plan to start now, but he did call like he said he would.

So yeah, it’s not just about boy trouble or the potential for it. What if they both are into me? What if neither of them are (which feels more likely)? What if one or both come to visit, I guess that doesn’t mean I have to cut things off with the other if I’m not committed, but it’s so damn confusing! Woe is me!

I can see so clearly how my life can turn out SOOO differently depending on what happens in the next few months of looking for a job. And it’s not even entirely in my control, and there’s no linear path for the field I’m in either. So damn confusing.

I feel confident in my abilities and instincts, but I don’t know where they will lead me. I try, try, try to trust God, but i want to know I’m doing my share. And I don’t want to live with this anxiety, that makes me eat too much, can’t concentrate, be a bummer around people, try to distract myself, and always have that pit at the bottom of my stomache, and look, I’m getting a headache maybe.

This all probably wouldn’t hit me this hard if I had time to dream and reflect and relax, but I’ve got midterms and papers and reading and homework to do. And even with having enough time, it’s a matter of energy and concentration.

Youth- it’s exciting but nervewracking. I hope I can enjoy the ride, having a lot of skin in the game and really being alive. I just hope my worries for the future don’t cause me to neglect the present.

Breathe in, breathe out.

 

Namaste,

MJ

 

 

 

 

Clarity, Self-Respect, and Ass-Kicking Mode

Tags

badass, baller, blog, boss, clarity, confidence, friends, healing, love, support, writing

I just want to say a big thank you to everyone who has followed my blog or liked any of my posts. Seeing my thoughts in print and knowing someone likes them has been amazingly therapeutic. I feel like a different person in the course of a few days, so much more sure of myself and where I am going. Blogging has given me great clarity on subjects I have been pondering for a long time which have caused personal anguish and self doubt. Of course, I am talking about my career and relationships, what else is there? As well as the desire to have a fixed location for a time, as much as that sounds like settling. Somehow writing it all out and thinking about it more theoretically has taken a lot of the sting out of these decisions and past failures. It is amazing to think that all this time I just needed an outlet for my musings to stop thinking I was crazy to think the way I do. The fact that I have a blog doesn’t quite make me an expert, but there’s something about seeing words on the page that makes me feel like a more realized human being. I feel a lot less bereft knowing there is at least someone out there that likes what I have to say and isn’t just saying it, and somehow that makes all the difference, self-validation notwithstanding.

This has launched me into ass-kicking mode. I’ve been listening to Saliva and cruising the streets of Philadelphia, hunting and gathering my requisite Wendy’s and Chipotle with renewed vigor. I just don’t feel so bad and don’t blame myself for not having everything I want just yet. I don’t feel like I was at fault for just being myself, and I am not going to tone it down so that people like me. This has had the unfortunate side effect of making a hilarious/witty/snide comment to my oldest best friend which I later apologized for, but overall I think I am in better shape than I was before and not likely to fall prey to the same mistake of making excuses for people. I’m studying for my finance exam and getting it, which is not so bad for my self esteem either, at least until the exam rolls around tomorrow morning. So thank you for listening, it really means a lot. And wish me luck!

bisous until we meet again,

MJ