Maybe I don’t have to save the world-
Maybe it’s enough to just see it.
Maybe I don’t have to teach the world to sing;
Maybe all I need to do is start singing,
and the world will sing with me.
Maybe wonder is enough.
Maybe I don’t have to save the world-
Maybe it’s enough to just see it.
Maybe I don’t have to teach the world to sing;
Maybe all I need to do is start singing,
and the world will sing with me.
Maybe wonder is enough.
Over the last few days I’ve entered a space that I have rarely if ever experienced before in my life. I think it comes with maturity and owning one’s choices.
God, my life is so amazing, no lies.
I love living in Paris.
I love my job.
I love the people I work with.
I love traveling, and I have the time and money to do it.
I love my body and am so grateful for my health.
I love my family and appreciate the support they give me.
Life is good.
I think that’s how I can some up, wel, maybe the last two years.
I wanted to do business school, and get a scholarship to go.
I did it, and I second guessed myself 90% of the way.
I wanted a job, and sometimes I say I see no meaning or purpose to what I do.
Most of all, I wanted to come to Paris mroe than anything, I came here, and I was still miserable.
Maybe not as miserable as before, but still deep in the merde and fog of depression.
Things didn’t seem to go right, even though I had followed my heart- even doing so through pragmatic means, so there was no real reason to fret- both reason and passion should have been satisfied.
But no, I continued my excessive and self destructive and self sabotaging behavior, although perhaps less than before for some things.
I stayed in the fog, felt guilty for being ungrateful and unhappy, ad beat myself up every time a challenge occurred, blaming myself for it all and scorning myself for not having taken an easier- or suposedly easier- path.
In other words, I had everything and more to be happy- nothng at all reallyto complain about- but I still found reasons to complain.
It wasn’t perfect, but it was what I wanted- and I didn’t really want to change it and did nothing to that effect- but I still was not happy.
With every tangible success, with every proof there’s more to me than I thought, with every time I have courage to go for what I really want and face the unknown, with every truly roaring success story that I can only see as a failure in some twisted way, I have faced ever greater resistance.
At one point it was subconscious, but now it’s come out of hiding for what it is- just another form of the inner critic, ego at its worst.
It’s the voice that says, you are a horrible person for not going to the gym.
It’s also the voice that says, it is gonna suck if you go to the gym, you are so out of shape, you’ll be falling behind, you deserve the shame and humiliation.
It is the voice that says, if things were right and you hadn’t fucked up your life you would have no problem going to the gym.
ANd it’s the voice that will say, look I told you so, it’s already been proven before, you have no willpower and you are a failure at everything that matters.
And it gets worse- look at you wasting your most fertile beautiful years being fat, how do you ever expect to meet someone decent looking the way you do? Your stock is going down.
And when I do meet someone who likes me as I am, they are inevitably not good enough for me some how, not compatible, or really the guy is just lying.
So yeah, there are many ups and downs of living in Paris, but it’s nothing compared to the rollercoaster inside my head.
I’m a bit lost and struggling.
My sense is that I just have to push harder, but the more I push thinking the only way to justify myself is to achieve to prove the voice wrong, I’m not sure if it’s just another form of strengthening the voice.
Can’t I just heal, and do things that are good out of love for myself, and not needing to prove something?
Can’t I just be happy, and be motivated positively instead of always thinking I”m not enough?
Can I learn to achieve without hating myself into it?
Can I be happy even when I haven’t made it to the top?
Will I ever be satisfied?
Can I ever just be happy for myself and proud once in a while?
I am getting there, and I think it’s possible. 🙂
“You are never farther than when you don’t know where you are going.”
THe past few years have been really tough, but I’ve gotten to a point where I have accepted the place of not knowing. so much of my life was spent chasing after illusory certainty; in the form of achievement, co-dependent relationships, and trying to fit an ideal of beauty, goodness, correctness.
Though I met with uncommon success in many endeavors, I never really felt happier than I have at some of the lowest moments, when I just relaxed and prayed and smiled at the fact it was such a beautiful day. Or just the peace and joy of being alive, although growth often means following rocky roads. I have grown exponentially, I have shed misguided paradigms and let go of neuroses: coming to a point of realization, beyond jadedness and cynicism, to this; this is it, and reality- including the real me- is enough.
There was perhaps no more vicious battleground in the conquest of success to wipe away the constant feeling of shame and unworthiness than my body. I truly believed I had to have a certain body to be worthy of love, and to call myself a successful person. Recently I have rebelled against this idea, and gone to the extreme of sensual abandon and gluttony- but overindulgence is just another form of the same disease as self-starvation. I really can’t remember any moments in my life, except recently, where I felt perfectly at home in my body and happy with it. WOrking out helped me embrace my power, as well as beauty, and my sexuality helped me turn inwards to appreciate all that I am capable of experiencing in this form. The admiring, accepting, non-judgmental eyes of men were incredibly therapeutic to be quite frank. And seeing other women with similar forms as beautiful in the “embrace your curves” campaigns has been really helpful as well. Incredibly, even when I was losing weight and quite healthy without making any real effort to watch my weight, I still didn’t really feel happy with myself and mourned the fact that no matter what I did, I would always e “too big”- never a size 0 or 2 or even a 6 or 8, never tiny and petite and delicate, never willowy or really slender. And eventually I turned to food in times of stress, since I never really felt good anyway, and gained quite a bit of weight. Through the grace of god, this weight has shown me what unconditional love people have for me- that I don’t have to be perfect, or striving to be, that even if I fall of the wagon for a moment or even if I stop off of it entirely, there are still things about me to be proud of, and there’s ultimately nothing wrong with me. And it’s in this body, with more than a little extra, that I could love myself as I am, that I could love the so-called imperfections, that I could be not just slightly rebelliously overweight, but just cheerily thick and plump. I htink in the beginning it was partially to draw attention to my inner suffering, and to ward off men, and in away to express how unlovable I felt on the inside and how much I feared my own deep desires. Now it feels more like a much beloved home that I have neglected a bit, and I feel like I am finally able ot focus on being healthy instead of only being healthy in order to be thin. I htink I can finally do good for myself without being motivated by shame that I”m not good enough as I am or that there is something inherently wrong with me and I need to fix myself. I don’t even need to be striving for the perfect body; I can just take care of myself- out of love, never shame.
So yeah, I’m feeling good.
Pretty much for the first time in my life.
In terms of going to business school, where I put on most of said weight and generally suffered a lot on the inside, even though on the outside things seemed to be going really well, I just realized the depth of the friends that I formed, and that alone was worth something- a lot actually. I found a career that I like, that I never would have imagined doing, that was never my plan, but works for me and lets me live a life I love right now. ANd to be honest, I really like my job most of the time. Leadership, communication, travel, cross-cultural stuff are my passions, and I get all of that in my current career. I have changed a lot, but in general it’s for the better. I do miss teaching at times and I would like to be some kind of freelance writer, but those things will come with time I think. And whatever I do in the future, even if it has nothing to do with business, I’m learning life lessons and how to work with people, which will be valuable my whole life. Plus, it helps me stay in France, and French is a really passion for me.
SOme days I feel closer to being able to put my finger on why. I am very articulate in giving a brekadown of what doenst work here, whereas what does work is much more difficult to put in the words. Suffice it to say I’m happy here for the moment, and that is enough. ANd I am learning and growing a lot.
For my love life, I feel much more like a complete person already, which is great. I feel less and less ned of love, though more and more want of it. But I realize it will be an exhilarating and terrifying at times new adventure. I am getting used to the idea that with the right person, I won’t be held back but rather lifted to the sky; and I am also more open to who that right person might be and how he may come to me. I don’t think real love is the clingy, saccharine, linear,well-defined thing I learned about in films and movies and even in the supposed parable of my own parent’s marriage. And I feel more and more confidence that it will come in it own time, when I am busy making other plans- although maybe I will leave a bit of room in them. At this point though there are still miles of things left to do on my bucket list, and I am not always the person I would like to be, I am a pretty awesome work in progress and whole as I am. Maybe in the future I”ll look back and say, wow, I didn’t know shit back then. But at the moment, I feel calmness and relief and spaciousness and peace like I didn’t ever really know before. ANd I think if someone wanted oto come share some of that space now, it would be ok.
ANd I hope he will stay forever and our paths will never part, but I know I will be ok without him if it comes to that. I don’t think true love is about fear of losing someone as much as it is what you gain by loving them, and letting yourself be loved. Love is powerful stuff and if you let someone love you, it certainly will change your life.
My perfect man is probably not a Catholic, white American like the cheese, slightly right wing, adorably in touch with his feminine side, Notebook-loving Marine turned economist anymore. Especially not when that person is not really open to giving and receiving love, and the timing is not right, let alone all the other ways in which the person may be great in theory but in practice probably couldn’t love me the way that I want to be loved. Who would love like a settling down but not necessarily an adventure, who is not necessarily able to put more out there and risk more than he has to give. My true love is not someone I have save, or teach, or make excuses for, but he may not match up to the fantasies of my fragile ego and will belong to the path I am actually on, and not the road not taken, that I always thought I would take by default.
No, maybe my lover is a true man like this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c-tW0CkvdDI
incredibly masculine and proud and strong and beautiful, though maybe not muscle bound and straight-edge.
ON an even deeper level, I’d say my vision of God him/herself has changed too. I continue to practice as a Catholic and even participate in special prayer novenas, but I definitely don’t take the pope as God’s representative on earth and instead of calling myself a progressive Catholic on the edges of the community and posessed of the most genuine spirit of Catholicism and not the anti-body, neo-Platonic bs, I’d say that my walk towards GOd, while enriched by my Catholic community, is more of an individual path through the twists and turns of my life more so than the institutional CHurch. I would still want to baptise my baby and probably celebrate my marriage in a church, but I know that churches are there for men and not for GOd, GOd does not need the big beautiful building but we so often do. ANd it’s beautiful and in service to God, so there’s nothing wrong with it, but there’s also nothing wrong with realizing He really is everywhere and in everything. I haven’t really worked it out yet and I don’t expect to. I want very sincerely to please God and I hope I am corrected if it is obstinacy and not genuine understanding that makes me take space from the church, but at this time I remember the spiritual courage of all those once excluded by the church now revered as saints and I feel that that is also a way to God, and quite possibly a truer one.
So my understanding of God, life, love, and even having a body, has expanded considerably. I no longer have a goal or welldefined ideal; I’m not even trying to define one. But what I do have is a direction, and the whisper of my heart, and the lapping of the oars against the water as I row further and further away from the shore, not really sure of where I am going, but ever more sure of the Way.
I am actually about to move to a new apartment and won’t have internet there for a few weeks. i’m also going to morocco and very excited about that. I”m not really sure about whether I’ll start up the blog again, this seems as beautiful an ending to a tumultuous and incredible time in my life that prompted me to write the blog as any. So maybe I will see you again, and maybe I wont; or perhaps it will be in another form.
In any event, please know that your support has been incredibly transformative for me. You have been a big part of the path and I want to thank every one of you who read even just one time. I hope I’ve been able to give you something as well.
God bless you and namaste.
I feel like I have less to say and think, and more that I am just accepting.
I’ve been tortured over whether to stay or go, but I know I”m going to stay, and I’ll find a way to make it financially viable.
I’ve found my voice, and learned to listen to my heart, so while I will deal with practical matters, I won’t let greed or ambition or social pressure drown out my inner voice.
Most of all, I won’t let my need for achievement crowd out my happiness in the moment. I will let myself feel happy no matter how “imperfect,” I may be or how far I have strayed from the plan.
I will let myself find my center, and my bottom, and feel my bottomless ego driven desires fulfilled by something deeper and more spiritual.
I will let myself love France, and Paris.
I will even let myself love my corporate job. I’m not working for the man; I’m working for me.
ANd most of all, I will open my heart to love in all its forms. Even if it doesn’t come the way I expected, even if it doesn’t fit the checklist, I will receive the person who fills my HEART with JOY and my soul wih Rapture, and I will let this person into my life and give him a place to stay, permanently.
I will let myself commit.
I will let myself folow God’s path for me an dnot the one that I planned on.
I will let myself love life.
I will stop striving for any outside ideal of perfection.
I won’t put off being happy.
I won’t be fooled into thinking that things or achievements are what life is about.
I will find my meaning in discovery, in giving, in learning and leading, and teaching, and most of all in loving.
I will finally let me love myself.
I will throw away the checklist I had for myself, asking only that I b happy, healthy, truly wealthy, loved, in love, loving, kind, and wise- to be radiant, inside and out.
I am so grateful, and so ready for more good things no matter how far they take me off course! Life is for living. I’m glad I finally get that.
Truly I am better off than a mere billionaire= while I am open ot change in my life, at this moment I am really, truly, happy an dI have the grace to know it.
I pray the same for you.
Since my mood is 1000% better now and I finally feel like I”ve gotten out of my funk and am even more happy and resilient from before, I’d like to share some things I’ve learned.
Finding joy in life is all about the little pleasures and realizing the gift it is to be alive, and to be alive as yourself living your life.
Imagine you were just born a second ago. What would seem incredible to you?
Imagine you were going to die in a few minutes. What would you pay attention to? What would you notice? What would you revel in one last time?
Both of these premises are completely true. Each moment is completely new, and each moment will never come again, when it it is gone it’s gone.
As a wise hostel manager in the south of France once explained to me, “The same thing may happen again, but it will never happen in exactly the same way, in the same circumstances, with the same people.” So checking people into their rooms was an adventure for him every time, no matter how many travellers or tourists he’d seen of that sort, no matter hwo many times he showed them how the door code worked.
Don’t just live like you are dying; live like you are newborn.
Faith for me has meant that I choose to see the future as a field of possibility, not threats. It means I have faith that there is something higher than me, that there is some sense even if I can’t see it. Obviously, I have no proof of this idea, but it does change how you perceive life.
And faith in yourself is also life changing. THe feeling that I, with the grace of God, will deal with anything that comes my way, is a powerful one.
I have tended to worry far too much about external circumstances permitting X, Y, or Z to happen as I plan. Getting rid of the plan is also important- admitting there is an intelligence higher than yours and having faith in order to improvise is key. Life is more like jazz than classical music at some moments. We need to have faith to look within and above, and see the stars shining down on us instead of just wondering, O, why me? when we get papercuts.
The key to happiness is about 99.999% getting rid of your expectations. Very often, we set goals and conditions under which we will be happy. WHen I attain X, I will be happy is a common formula. But what we fail to realize is that even if the outcome has been Y, and not X, we can still be happy! I don’t know about you, but very few things have turned out according to my expectations. THe college I went to and ended up loving and that opened many doors for me, both literally and figuratively, was actually the list on the list. I sent in an application at the last minute because it wasn’t too much trouble. I ended up getting a shcolarship, and the rest is history.
The first time I cam eto Paris, I wasn’t really impressed. I wasn’t really impressed the second time either. But the third time was a chram, even as I reassured my mother that there was nothing too special about it, it was just a big French city, no longer the center o the world. But now ti is the center of mine.
One of the main reasons I haven’t yet found love is due to my long standing unwillingness to let go of expectations. He must be tall, barrel chested, weigh more than me….already very hard criteria to fill in France! Now there’s nothing wrong with liking what you like, but maybe the reason you want that is because you are not comfortable with yourself- or maybe it’s just what you like. But yeah, I htink that being inflexible in my demands has probably played a role.
On the other hand, I am happy with my life now though I would like to be iwth a a special someone, enough so that I would let go of some of my preconceptions (though not core values) of what I want.
There’s nothing wrong with having specific ideas about what you want, but when it doesn’t exist, or something that’s not technically what you wanted works just as well if not better and you are still not adapting, that’s a moment where you are choosing nto to be happy.
Case in point- I thought I wanted a studio in one neighborhood, and it would cost a lot and I dind’t think I could do it. SO I was willing to stay with the status quo. And then, just recently I started looking into flat shares in different neighborhoods, and it turns out there may be more than one way to get a bigger apartment closer to the city center at a reasonable price! And maybe I will make a lifelong friend in the process, or just have osmeone to motivate me not to leave dirty dishes in the sink! Could be killing a few birds with one stone, but just have to wait and see.
In the meantime, my current apartment is pretty nicely decorated, so there’s that 😉
So chillax and enjoy your Saturday!
About to go to the hairdresser- hope I can keep an open mind and take my own advice!
In the past few days, but especially today, I have woken up full of energy and happy to great the day after a long stretch of feeling slow and heavy, like I was just getting through life.
The biggest irony is that my heart’s wish of living and working in France had come true, yet I still wasn’t happy.
I was weighed down by guilt and expectations, and afraid to be happy, I think. Afraid of not pleasing people, afraid of giving up all the important things in life in order to be here, afraid to get too attached or to commit myself. Afraid of success, afraid of failure, afraid of trying.
And living with my fearful mind in the driver’s seat filled me with constant tension. I lived in limbo between should I stay or should I go in almost every thing I did in life. Not only did I second guess my location, but I also was filled with what ifs about my career choice, love life, and couldn’t stop beating myself up for mistakes made along the way, thinking that was a clear sign I was going in the right direction.
And then the radical notion that real transformation requires letting go of everything in order to follow your inner voice, even if it’s completely irrational. And the fact that so many things were coming apart was actually a sign that I was doing the right thing. ANd mistakes are made because there are lessons we haven’t learned yet. In making my rebirthday cake, a bit of milk was spilled and that’s ok.
By forgiving myself, I let a lot of negative energy go.
I feel 1000% better even if not everything is fixed yet, I still believe everything will be all right, and in fact, it’s actually pretty great now. Perfect in its own way, even if I can’t see it fully now.
And I accepted myself and the person I”ve become, the desire to live this life which is so far from anything I ever consciously dreamed of.
It’s so true, and it was a very difficult thing to do.
But now, I’m happy.
It’s worth it!
I realized talking to someone at a party last night, who suggested I look at jobs in the place she works, which is an international organization and would have been my dream job a year or two ago, that I actually like what I”m doing. It is a career that enables me to live life as I please for the most part, and I like what I am doing in itself. What started as a means to an end has ended up being a pleasure in itself. ALthough I of course will go with the flow and see what life brings. But it’s good to feel like I did the right thing! Perhaps I would have felt exactly the same way in the opposite case, but I don’t think so because I’m glad I tried something new, if I had really been committed to the other thing I wouldn’t have switched. So vive le business!
And the other thing that’s come to my attention on Valentine’s Day is that not only has being single been awesome and there is nothing wrong with it- who better to spoil and pamper me for a day but me-but that the right person will probably meet all the criteria on the miles long checklist. A long time ago, I seemed to meet the perfect person, or rather a person who fit the checklist, but life took us down different paths. I resisted and tried to hold on, but it was painful. And the truthis that I wasn’t in love with him so much as with my fantasy of him and what I thought we could have been together. IT was very hard to let go. But the real him just doesn’t fit in my life, and I don’t even really like him anymore.
On the other hand, I have just the stirrings of a crush for a friend who I had mroe or less put in a box and forgotten about as any kind of real romantic prospect. And I find it extremel hopeful, because e is very different than what I had in mind, but someone like him would probably be a better fit. He is someone I have shared my fantasies with, and I’m realizing that it’s not really the fantasies I want as to know and love a person. If you want to be with someone because he fulfills your fantasy, he’s just an object you are using- even if it is mutual. But if you find someone you really like, no matter what the checklist says, you better throw it away and flow with life and let the perso become your fantasy instead. Get excited about seeing your boyfriend with all his quirks, not the romantic moment you’ve planned out a thousand times in your mind. I think these things have to meet in the middle somewhat, and I”m not saying not to have standards or to be clear onwhat you want. I’m just saying to let some of the non essentials go and leave room for life to surprise you. In a good way!
This same non-violence and openess is also important to keep in mind in dealing with your body. Just love what you’ve got, because it’s yours and this is your one life to live and it’s your own! That’s it! And take care of yourself. Don’t worry about outside standards or someone else’s rules. Give up your dreams of “I’ll be happy when I”m thin,” and just be happy! Maybe you’ll be thin, maybe you won’t be. But as long as you’re healthy, who cares! Be gratefulf or the beauty of the body you get to experience life in- it’s a privilege, the greatest gift you’ll ever receive!
Bottom line of this whole story: Stop trying to be someone else, even if an idealized version of yourself. Let go and let God. And just be happy! There’s no reason why not, and finding the joy within is the best Valentine’s Day gift we can ever give ourselves!
Namaste and bisous,
Once I wanted to find someone who would understand my rainbow connection, who would listen to me, who would get it. And finding some kind of purpose, figuring out what my rainbow connection was
Now, I realize it’s about finding my rainbow connection. That that person is going to be that journey, that colorful band leading into the sky. And that it goes on and on, it doesn’t fit in a box. It makes everything make sense but only because you love the colors and that’s more important anyway. It’s not about a song partner or the song to be sung, it’s about the music and our urge to play it, and listen, and being something to sing about.
One of my fondest hopes might soon come true. I am saying my prayers, crossing my fingers, and just plain HOPING every second of the day.
Life is so uncertain, and who knows what will come of it? I am certain of a few things and that is that I am following my dream and that there is a place for me in this world.
The past half year ish I have been wracked with doubts and fears and self criticism and negativity. I haven’t acted or felt like myself, haven’t fully enjoyed my life, and was basically just going through stuff. Some times life is like that- and as much as you claim responsibility for your thoughts, your life, and your actions, it’s nobody’s fault because asking those kinds of questions is part of growing up, part of being a conscious being, part of being a mortal on the planet earth. During this time, I often feel like I made a lot of mistakes, not least of which was using food as a comfort, developing bad habits, and in the process gaining weight and not fully appreciating the gifts of my life. But I have to forgive myself.
I’ve been going through old pictures- I’m so happy and really so beautiful too. I always felt fat, but now i realize just how healthy I was, how vibrant and beautiful. I always compare myself to other people, and because I was a size 12 and everyone else was a size 4 or 6 (albeit half a foot shorter than me), I always felt like I was too big, too much, too extraverted, too much personality, too different, etc. And now, finally, I realize just how perfect I was. I saw some pictures of when I was a size 10, and boy, I really was thin, and I still felt too big. I think that happens for a lot of people, that we compare ourselves to other people, especially airbrushed models, and always feel like we are coming up short. But geez, my body really is beautiful, even, no, especially as it is today. With the extra weight, the proportions of my body are even more striking and I really feel like a woman. I’ve been exercising and gradually changing what I eat, o so slowly, it’s hard to get out of a rut, but boy, I am climbing out bit by bit. I haven’t lost weight but I have changed the shape of my body.
I phrase my goal now in the form of getting big into old jeans, which at the time I wished were a smaller size. Now, it wouldn’t be “settling” to go back to my normal, maintainable, happy weight. Maybe someday I will get thinner than that without stressing about my weight all the time. But I can look great and feel great and be healthy and in good form at whatever the number on the scale is, whatever the size jeans I may wear. Size 12 is probably the best for me, and who knows what number on the scale that may coincide with- one summer when I was in the best shape of my life, I seemed to fluctuate and even gain weight as muscle replaced fat. The truth is it’s not about a number.
Seeing these photos and coming to this realization that it really isn’t about what is “normal,” or what is “ideal body weight,” or what number will finally make me feel less big compared to other woman, who are often simply shorter and smaller in frame than I am, and they don’t always have the curves either. It feels like reaching a certain target doesn’t have to be the Holy Grail of my life that always leaves me feeling fat no matter what I do or the futile exercise that causes me to go reach for the Cheetos because somewhere along the way I realized I would never attain “perfection,” anyway and so just gave up on the whole thing. But this time, I am not giving up. Not because I want to reach a certain number or even to fit into my old clothes, but because I want to live my life happy and healthy. Health is a gift, and we must take care of it.
Looking through the pictures and remembering my anxiety every time at how fat I might look, I realize how much fun I was having, what great people I was around, and how wonderful I was, how great my life has truly been. It wasn’t about the weight at all- and I can finally absorb the paradox that I feel just as, if not more comfortable in my body and confident as I did when I was 30 or even 50 pounds smaller. When your goal is unattainable, you will never be happy no matter how “close,” you get. I finally understand why as I lose weight and get in better shape, I seem to feel even more lacking, even more not good enough and out of shape and still too fat.
The main reason why I was going through a stressful time is that even the illusion of stability had gone out of my life and I was just trying to make sense of the time I”d spent so far on earth and wanted to figure out how to steer my ship. What I realize now is that I’m on a sailboat, on a river. Life and God are powering it for me. I dn’t need to be a galley slave and hit myself with a whip to move forward. No, I don’t need and shouldn’t try to row against the current.
All I need to do is say Yes to life.
About a year ago, I met someone special in the most random way. I had a good feeling and I followed it, and he was awesome and made me very happy. I had to let him go, or rather, say a temporary good bye though. Losing him was really hard for me, probably harder than I’m willing to admit. But even before I had to say good bye for reasons beyond our control, our relationship became strained at times because I wanted so much to define it, I had trouble trusting him after the initial spark, I thought this was just another doomed temporary fleeting romance, and that since he didn’t fit my checklist we would never be compatible anyway so I was happy and yet bitter at being detached and knowing I should have to let him go.
I loved him though.
And we are still in contact, albeit irregular. I don’t know the next time I’ll see him again. ANd no, he still doesn’t fit all my boxes, and sometimes I have trouble believing he will call me soon, he will get back to me in a timely fashion, he still wants to hear from me. There are times he’s been a little flighty but under the circumstances, I think the cause of all my fears has a lot more to do with me than him. Going through life always feeling lacking, never feeling good enough, sometimes giving up because no matter how hard I tried it never felt enough, it’s hard to believe that someone loves you. It’s hard to let someone love you and get out of your own way. It’s hard to stop clinging to your fantasies of that guy who fits all those checklist qualities but is u you. It’s ahrd to believe that the warm funny feeling he gives you is really there, is trustworthy, is more than just a flicker becavailable and honestly doesn’t really exist and instead hold on to, without clinging, to the beautiful, flawed, perfect, warm, breathing, living, human you have beside you.
The truth, I wish he was holding me now. The truth is, I still have feelings for him. The truth is, I haven’t fully let go even though there have been times my expectations have been disappointed and even now I wonder why it’s taking him so long to pick up the phone and call me, and I wonder if he’s just moved on. I don’t know if we’d be compatible long term, I don’t know if his family would like me, I don’t know how he sees the situation, and it feels like too much to hope he’s secretly waiting for me.
But now I just give my assent to this situation, to what is, to not being able to define it.
I accept what is, even if I don’t know what it is.
In that I don’t know, there’s freedom. There’s the possibility for love. In that I don’t know, there’s uncertainty. There’s room for growth, there’s destiny, there’s getting out of my own way, there’s saying yes to God and yes to Life. You can’t fall in love without falling a bit. You can’t move forward if you demand to see the whole staircase before taking the first step. You can’t refuse to try if you want proof before hand you can and will succeed. Sometimes you need to go on belief, which goes right hand in hand with accepting the mystery of life, with the power of not knowing.
I don’t know what comes next. I have an idea of what I want, but I can’t know for sure that I’ll like it until I have it, but I go on wishing and dreamig and praying and TRYING anyway.
I don’t know what comes next and THAT’S OKAY.
That’s finally okay. I finally don’t have to have my whole life planned out. I finally don’t have to pick the right guy on the first try. I finally accept my career meanderings and the fact that my path hasn’t been clearly laid out and “optimized,” and I took the long and winding road. And it’s okay.
So, just like accepting my body, my corporeal form, the house for the time I’m on earth, in all its grandeur and imperfection, my mortal coil, my gateway to ecstasy, the me I am right now but won’ t always be, I say yes to my life, to the known and unknown, and to the God within who surpasses all expectations, who defies all explanation, to that which simply was and is and ever shall be.
I hope along the way a certain person and I make love again. But if not, I trust that love will find me some other way, that love is strewn like rose petals on my path, that love like God is ever present and it’s just a matter of paying heed to its many ways of manifesting. Because as much as I want him, more than I dare to admit at times since I don’t even know WHY and maybe it doesn’t make that much sense and maybe it can’t or won’t last forever and maybe it’s just a passing, shallow fancy but I don’t think so, I AM ALSO HAPPY NOW. Strangely, mysteriously, abundantly so. Just as I find myself feeling beautiful at the highest weight I have ever been.
Life is beautiful, in every stage.
Always believe that something wonderful is about to happen.
fullfillment is here, now.
It is in unemployment and lazy Saturdays, watching some tv even though its a beautiful day outside. It is in spending time with family, and simple, unearned pleasure.
It’s not always winning the race, or travel to an exotic land.
It’s not some perfect world, just a few doors down, some destiny you missed because of your mistakes and all that you didn’t know then that you know now.
No, it is right here, and that false nirvana you speak of, that delusional oasis of star crossed love and thrwarted distiny, does not exist.
But this does, whatever this is. And usually, this gives you a lot to be grateful for.
No, I’m not in Paris. No, I don’t have a job. No, I don’t have a boyfriend, and if I did have someone in my life I really cared for, my life would change, and maybe I wouldn’t even want to go to Paris anymore. Maybe I am losing my desire to go there now. I am changing, constantly in flux, and I really don’t know what tomorrow brings, when I’ll get a job, when I’ll move out, when I’ll pay my student loans back, when I’ll establish a social life, where I’ll live, when I’ll meet someone, or how my career will go.
I don’t know any of those things. And there are many things I want that I don’t have although, thankfully, I have all I need and more.
So happiness is here right now. Not in the distant goal line, not in the faraway fantasy island, or in the life I ‘should’ have been living.
Strange how you get nostalgic for things, like grocery shopping in the place where you used to live.
Stranger still how small, tiny things, like a Saturday evening with my family, one day won’t be there at least not in the same way. For good reasons, like me moving on and establishing an independent life and hopefully someday having my own family, and for inevitable reasons I really can’t even bare to think about.
And if today was my last day, which I hope it isn’t because life is beautiful if imperfect, and there are still so many adventures to have, even in Bridgewater, NJ, and so many people I love, even if I haven’t coupled with “the One” yet, it would still be awesome.
What a beautiful October day. This is never what I thought was the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, the end of the road that is right back where I started, though stronger, braver, truer, lovelier, kindler, gentler, and, finally, happy where I am.