I met someone a few years ago, just before I went to France to live here for the first time. Even before I knew his name, I saw him from afar and was like, HELL YEAH. And then one day I met him one on one for the first time, and when he walked towards me, my soul had something very special to say about it, and the closer he got to me physically, and the more we talked, the better I felt.
Timing was not right then, as it is not now. It’s been about three years. I have confessed my love to him multiple times, and he has responded with variations of it being the wrong moment. I’ve been sad, but never destroyed by this, he’s never made me feel bad about myself. Our friendship has had ups and downs and there have been times I’ve cut him out of my life, only to try to rekindle what I have with him, the strange feeling that not a day has passed and no one will ever get me like he does, nor I him. Because we are ridiculously the same, though also on the surface pretty different. I’ve never found anyone whose values resonated more with mine, nor have I felt such a deep, wordless, magical connection that at first I took for granted since I didn’t have a lot of experience until I started thinking I was crazy for how I seemed to just know his thoughts.
I don’t know if it’s the same for me, but somehow being with him is always a release. He knows which buttons to press.
The songs he suggests stay stuck in my head for days, and his jokes make me laugh hours later. I see him everywhere I go, I see his dog, and sometimes for no apparent reason I see his face in my mind’s eye clear as day.
There are times many times that he hasn’t been all I wanted in a friend. He has deeply disappointed me. I don’t really know if he feels the same way that I do, although he has said that we share a deep connection and he appreciates my loyalty and depth of feeling. But he’s a little older, and he has never done anything to hold me back, and I think he just accepts the situation of no being able to be together better than I do. The circumstances that have prevented us meeting despite our best efforts are almost comical.
Some things just aren’t meant to be, at least not yet.
The belief that he’s the one has made it hard for me to establish other connections. On his side, he says he wants to love people, even if it will end up hurting him. I know he’s not waiting for me.
I SEnt him a postcard, and he emailed me right away to say thank you.
I wonder if he will send one back.
There’s a package waiting for me I haven’t been able o pick up yet. Not sure if it’s from Amazon or my mom. Every day I check the mail hoping he sent me something, since I gave him my address.
Sometimes I almost don’t trust him, to be good to me and be my friend and especially not to shut me out if there’s another girl in his life. We have both tried to move on.
It was important for me to write this before finding out what that package is, and before having received something from him.
Because the truth is, I have to let him go, and I do, bit by bit. he becomes a dear and intimate friend. I Can’t love him anymore if he won’t let me. And I have so much love to give.
I know that we weren’t ready the last time we met. And maybe someday we will meet in the future.
I thought, o maybe, I just need another big strong American man like him. Maybe I should go back to the scene of the crime, where he now lives. Which is my first favorite city in America, and is almost equally tied with my current city, Paris. It might be a better city to live whereas Paris might be better for an extended visit. In any event, like me, he’d like to live abroad…
I haven’t met anyone I liked half as much as I liked him yet. Or rather, I haven’t met anyone I feel as intimate with on that deeper level. I honestly don’t think he’s the cutest guy I’ve ever been with, though I prefer his beefcake body type best. We might well be compatible on every level, and see the world in pretty much the same way.
But he’s not here right now, and I deserve love in this moment. I do want love to be a grand adventure in my life, and I have crafted a beautiful story with him.
It hurts, it makes me sad and tired, but I just have to let him go. God always has something better in mind than what we had. And maybe when we meet again, things will be different.
In the meantime, I’m lucky to have a friend I feel such a strong karmic link to who understands me well. Today I did something nearly unprecedented for me- I published the previous blog post as a Facebook note, allowing pretty much everyone I know to see it.
I sent it to him first, don’t know when he will read it or how he will respond. Sometimes I think I leave him at a loss.
Sometimes I just want him to tell me what to do and come rescue me, or compel me to come to him. Mostly I want him to worry about me, and save me when I’m feeling down. I don’t know if he just doesn’t always, can’t always care, or perhaps-
“I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naïve or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.”
~ Anais Nin
I don’t know.
A part of me does know, and I love him not only for himself but for the fact that some part of me believes his hand is mine to hold.
But for now, I have to let go of it- mind, body, and spirit, leaving the memories, but, remembering-
Some of the best days of our lives haven’t happened yet.
My heart will go on and on…