I am incredibly blessed and happy with my life right now. Of course, I am far from a perfect person, but now I finally realize that one can and must love oneself whilst striving to improve, and the target should never be perfection, rather self-actualization. The best me is not going to have all the same qualities as the best somebody else, and that’s not a weakness, it’s a strength.
To be honest, I can’t remember another time that I felt so happy and secure in myself, and so completely blissful about my life.
It wasn’t easy, but I created by the grace of God and with some help from my friends and family the life that I wanted. Of course, I am sure that as I grow and change over time, my interests and goals will change, and that’s ok too.
But I just want to take a moment and say how happy I am. I know I am growing up when I can say that I am spending more time being happy for what I do have than worrying about what I don’t.
I’ve successfully become an adult, and while that felt at one point like a one way , one dimensional arrow that would mean an end to change, growth, and non linearity, now I know it’s just a solid foundation. Know thyself, that’s what I have done.
There are still many new dreams I dream yet I know now, from all those I have achieved, that happiness comes from within, and even if I drop 20 pounds tomorrow, pay off all my debt, or find a boyfriend, my happiness still depends on me. You can have all your wildest dreams come true but unless you’re in the headspace to appreciate it, you can’t be happy. Being happy is not easy, it takes strength and is not for the faint hearted.
Like kindness, it’s an act of courage and faith, a moral choice.
Can I acknowledge all that’s not right in the world and not perfect in my own life and within myself and still be happy? Yes, I can and I must. I want to be. And that’s not insensitivity, that’s gratitude.
And self-love too, which can mean toughness and self discipline, but can also mean 2 days in your pajamas without beating yourself up over it. It must mean letting past mistakes go, and thanking God for the grace of a second chance. Overall, it must mean living the life that makes your heart sing. And it’s undeniable when you’ve found it, when you’ve found the gifts that you need to share and the things that make you you.
This year, I want to do more of that. Yes, I want to exercise and eat healthy, but playing small is not going to help me or the world. I can’t focus on my figure without giving my gift away. The two things go together, I think. I have a lot of songs that need to be sung, words that need to be written. I have been blessed with so much, and the ability to communicate, and I need to share what I’ve learned.
It’s not about finding meaningful work, or making myself happy. It’s about sharing my unique perspective on life with others, no matter how flawed it may be.
There is no particular box, or array of boxes which once checked will bring perfect happiness. That’s something I have learned many times the hard way.
All those supposed missteps and mistakes, which gave me a meandering path and made it hard to figure out my identity, which made me think there were parts of myself I needed to either cut off or agglomerate with some shallow stereotype of capitalist or bohemian or what have you, those are the things that make me special. Everything that doesn’t fit into the box, every line I have colored outside of, despite my best efforts to conform, most of the time.
Finally, I think I have found my passion, and you’re looking at it. It took everything to get here, just look back at all that’s on this blog for starters.
Now I can bless every mistake, every moment of self sabotage, every tear shed in frustration. Now I know there are no mistakes, and self sabotage is a message from your soul that you’ve missed the point. Sometimes there is no alternative to losing to teach you how much you are truly worth, and what matters, and that the whole notion of winning and losing isn’t that wise anyway. There’s just living. All of this.
No work, no life, no work/life balance. It’s all life. No business, no art, no travel, no stability, it’s all the same. Just moments, cut from the same cloth. Anything else is an illusion.
And it’s all life, all numinous, all sacred and profound. Not all signs and symbols and hidden meaning, but every breath is powerful and precious and holy and unique. Every breath.
Now I need to live that way.